Try. Fail. Repeat.

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by ForceOfWill, Nov 25, 2014.

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  1. ForceOfWill

    ForceOfWill New Member

    // Warning, long post ahead

    No, the title is not referring to suicide. It's referring to something else.

    If you've visited the arcade on here often enough or visited my profile recently, you might wonder if I came here just to play Tetris. But I didn't. I came here to see if I could get some help or support (if I don't destroy my chances).

    I've struggled with depression and anxiety for years (ever since I turned 13). I've been on almost every SRRI there is, a couple of SNRIs, a few other medications, and went to therapy for a few years. I've tried a lot of different techniques (whether suggested by a therapist, found on the internet, or thought up myself).

    And all these years I think I have figured myself out a little.

    I believe the biggest problem I have (what might be the source of a lot of other things) is: for reasons unknown to me, I there seems to be a part of myself that hates me. A part of me that believes I am a terrible person. That I deserve nothing but misery and suffering. That I deserve to be punished. That don't deserve anything good. This part of me does everything it can to sabotage everything. It's goal is to make sure that I live a life of pain and loneliness.

    I have attempted suicide a couple of times in the past. But any urges or desires for that faded away as this hatred part of me grew. Because if I die very young by my hand, then I will lose a lot of time that could be spent in misery.

    When I try to think of why I might be like this, I have a hard time finding reasons. I do know that when I was a kid, my sister (who has mental problems of her own) was kind of a parent to me, and anything I did (IIRC) around her (or that she found out about) and didn't like/approve of, she let me know. I remember all of it as harsh scoldings, but memory is only so good. They had negative effects on me. Around 12 years of age or so I started hiding things from her. And I was uncomfortable with her knowing anything that I was doing, unless I knew for sure she would be okay with it. And for some reason I assumed that my parents would feel the same way about everything that she did, or react worse. So when I was given 24/7 unrestricted internet access in my bedroom, I tried to hide anything I did that I thought my sister or parents wouldn't like (music, video games, movies, etc). Same thing when I got a job and started buying things.

    To this day (22 years old), I am still just as uncomfortable. Unless I have the house to myself, I hide away in my room and just do things on my computer. I've never used speakers, always headphones so no one can hear what I am listening to. And have a large computer that obstructs view of my monitor so no one can see what I am doing.

    I guess I haven't had a close relationship with any of my family during my teenage and adult years.

    Now, getting back to the tittle. What am I trying to do? Change myself.

    I keep trying to get rid of that part of me that hates and sabotages myself. I keep trying to get rid of negative beliefs I have about myself. I keep trying to get rid of my negative thinking. Most of the time, I am tearing myself down. I think about trying to do something, and tell myself I won't be successful and there's no point. When I imagine having a good future where I am a successful person, I tell myself that, that is just fantasy and then imagine a future where I am homeless and haven't accomplished anything. It's a strong habit. The negative beliefs I have are deeply ingrained in me.

    I guess I'll cut things short here. There's a lot more I could say, a lot more I could explain. But anyway, here I am. Trying again.
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi, so sorry to hear that you are suffering. In life we all suffer but you must remember that family is important. I know that it's hard for you but please do not do anything. Just appreciate the life you have. Keep posting for the support you deserve. Take care.
  3. Bart

    Bart Banned Member

    Hi Rawglor,

    You seem to have a very in-depth understanding of yourself, and I wonder if the therapy you went through helped unearth that. Did you have some Cognitive Behaviour Therapy? It seems that the dysfunctional beliefs you grew up with are now affecting your whole being and your negative mind is in control. I, too, have had similar feelings about myself; when the negative mind kicks in the only things I believe are negative thoughts.

    I hope you can find some answers here.
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