Try-hard optimistic person.. Im wondering if anyone can relate to my feelings

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by zzzsheeoyzzz, Jul 2, 2012.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. zzzsheeoyzzz

    zzzsheeoyzzz New Member

    Hello, I decided I'd like to express my feelings here if that's okay. I've been reading some other posts, and alot of them seem alot more desperate, perhaps, than my current thoughts. I hope it's okay if I can post my situation anyways.

    Im 21, and am on unemployment for right now (for 'depression'), I have a part time job I have recently acquired through a roommate, and work 1-2 days a week, so far. I tend to be rather philosophical in my thinking, and always try and look at all other angles of situations, even if the negatives seem more prominent. I am something of an artist/painter, as well as a musician - these things are what I am best at. I try to be a poet, and ideally a writer.
    I have recently started taking meds, pristiq, about 1-2 weeks ago.

    I started to write a backstory of the events leading me up to here, but it was dragging on to long, so I have decided instead to just summarize what Im going through.

    I started a job last year, I fell in love with a girl. I think she loved me too, but we were both so stubborn, we couldn't accept it, it turned into this obscure game where the winner does not give in to their feelings for the other. It sounds utterly ridiculous, and was. I hated her so much, but I was so in love with her. The only other time I had felt this love was when i was 13, in my very first relationship. I had some very short meaningless flings after that. Since meeting this new girl, it has been 4 years since I had any kind of relationship with a girl. I was a loner in my new job, and she had a looooot of friends. She was addicted to attention, and wrapped people around her finger. She even confessed this to me, in a sense, and I could see through it. She made guys fall in love with her and loved it. Even though I was in love with her, I knew that the only way to convey my love to her, was to hide it. This frustrated her I think, but at the same time, it was probably what made her have feelings for me. There were alot of reactions and feelings being thrown around throughout my time at the job. I ended up abusing pot, and it caused me to have a mental meltdown. I had to call an ambulance, and was having crying and laughing fits - went maniacal. Funnily enough, it was around the same time she 'tried to kill herself', but I believe it was more of a cry for help, which is okay I guess. I freaked out, and couldn't take it anymore, I quit my job, and sent her all kinds of insane angry messages on facebook. I regret sending these messages, but I was stubborn and delusional at the time. I exiled myself for the next few months. I made paintings, smoked pot, and avoided the world. Played Warcraft 3, basked in what I felt like, was a victory against this girl.

    The exile was alright while it lasted, I watched cartoons, and just tried to have fun, whilst working out, doing yoga, and stuff. Of course I thought about this girl every single day - sometimes in hatred, other times with lust and love. But the sorrow, and loneliness caught up to me. My parents, concerned, told me I had to look towards making a living - basically a reality check. It was hard, but they were right. So I moved into an apartment with a roomate (whilst still on unemployment), and have been living here, downtown for a little bit, with my new pathetic job. I still think about the girl everyday - I even sent her a message, trying my best to apologize, but she didnt reply. She has all her friends, and a life, and boys in love with her, and i barely have anything, but my artwork.

    Since starting this new job, I have been feeling even more depressed. I feel so empty, having 'lost this love of my life' that I feel like I cant connect properly with people. I don't know if its the medication thats frizzling stuff up. I really try to connect with people, and am always very nice. But I almost feel more empty when im around people. I always smile at everyone and am very pleasant, I can make people laugh. I'm fit, athletic, and fairly good looking, although not too tall. I have always had a really hard time with life, and connecting with people, and making eye contact. I feel very sad lots, and cry often, when I can get it out.
    I just feel like I have done everything, starting this job, I feel like:
    "I've met people before"
    "ive said this stuff before"
    "Ive done meaningless tasks before"

    It's almost like I feel content with myself, and that Ive done all I needed to do. I like life, and always try really hard to enjoy it. But I feel like I just can't enjoy it anymore. This girl, I still think about her. She unlocked feelings in me I didn't know I had. I want her so bad, but when I'm not talking to her in real life, she's under the illusion that I'm just some pathetic sad guy, and doesn't want to get involved. When we're in real life, she looks at me with longing eyes. I feel like im validated by her - if she loves me I can live, or something.

    I just cant enjoy life, I want to, and try to. I do yoga, and healthy things, and somewhat satisfied with my appearance, and personality, but being out in the world has become overbearing. The idea of post secondary is heavy and confusing. Maybe it's the medication numbing me out or something.

    Last night I wanted to kill myself. I sliced at my wrist alot, with dull scissors, but I couldn't cut very deep. I'm afraid of dying, but I want to want to kill myself.

    What can I do, my mind is broken, by this girl. when Im around other girls, I pray they will fall in love with me, so it can like 'break this spell', and sometimes they do, or they give me those 'looks'. But I feel like I can't bring myself to allow anything to happen. WHat if I'm still in love with this girl from before, and I'm just using this new girl? I don't want to hurt anyone, and I know I have in the past.

    I love burning myself too. I couldn't find a cigarette (my roommate smokes, so i was looking for one of his), but only could find a cigar. Had a grand ol time, adding another scar to my arm. How ridiculous and macabre I must sound. It's because I enjoy it.

    It's almost like admitting to myself that im messed up, and want to die, brings a kind of relief, and pressure of the world off of my shoulders. I can recognize this being a bad thing though, because im perhaps fuelling myself to utter destruction.

    I just feel like this girl has killed me inside, and i don't know what to do. I'm so scared. I just want her to love me, and deep down, I know she does. Should I try and send her another message? But im worried that will add pressure to her. She did mess with me, as I did her, but I love her, and don't want her to feel guilty or responsible for the mess I am. Maybe she would laugh at me with spite, or just ignore me. I want to kill myself because I can't get her out of my head, and it's just ruining life for me.

    I've drawled on enough... any feedback would be nice I guess, sorry if I, sounding too melodramatic.
  2. stanley

    stanley New Member

    well you said this girl is addicted to attention, and that she likes having guys falling for her, to be honest i dont think thats someone you want to be invilved with, maybe you fell for this mask of charisma she wears to attract people but do you really think that the person behind all that is worth it?, i know its hard to forget about a girl but eventually you just have to let go.

    you sound like a really nice guy but having trouble opening up to people, the way you say you like girls liking you may be similar to what this girl you like does, and to be honest ive done it too, in my case i guess its because im afraid they will not like the real me when they get to know it. you should not be afraid of people disliking you. you dont have to be perfect to be likeable, theres always someone out there that will empathize with you if you just let your true selfs be shown. (easier said than done)

    i dont know if my post was of any help but anyway, good luck guy. :smile:

    ps: i love burning too. just be careful not to overdo it
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.