Try it yesterday

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by toopainfultolive, Aug 12, 2011.

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  1. toopainfultolive

    toopainfultolive Well-Known Member

    Had a bag over my head. It wasn't hot or painful. Maybe I didn't go that far. I was just taking deep and deeper breaths. Panic sets in. I clenced my fists and try to wait it out. Finally, I decided that's enough. Took it off. Look at the clock. It was 6mins. I feel I can stay in there longer if I really try to.

    I have a plan, a date and time. But I'm scared. I dunno whether I'm scared I will succeed or fail. I'm just scared. It used to be that impossible. I could never muster the courage. Now it didn't seem that far away. I did tried a few times before but my family never find out. I figure if I fail this time, it's major shit!
     
  2. bipolarjoe

    bipolarjoe Active Member

    I can realate to your screen name. Living is very painful at times. Mine is mostly filled with it. You sound very serious. Trust me, as someone that has tried it before, it is not worth it. You have a purpose and meaning in life. One person you have helped by sharing your attempt is me. I thank you for it and I am pulling for you. Don't do it, be strong, get help. Do whatever it takes, it is hard to find help. If you are in the US it is a real pain if you are uninsured, that was me. I did all that I could to change. It is happening slowly. I take it day by day.

    I am not a religious person, but I am pulling for you and wishing you better days ahead. It is not easy, but most things that are worthwhile in life are not easy.

    Joe
     
  3. toopainfultolive

    toopainfultolive Well-Known Member

    How could I have help u, when i cant even help myself!? Now, that's funny.

    Help? I'm not a cutter. No wounds to show. They won't believe how serious I am. I'll prob get more help if I do end up in the hospital.
     
  4. jlc20m

    jlc20m Well-Known Member

    Maybe Joe is saying you helped him by choosing to live? That you are an inspiration to him by being so courageous? Just a thought. I'm not the brightest bulb in the box, and I can't blame my hair as I'm a brunette.

    jlc20m
     
  5. magillygutty

    magillygutty Member

    If you dont mind me asking whats your situation in life?
     
  6. toopainfultolive

    toopainfultolive Well-Known Member

    It was a test run.
     
  7. toopainfultolive

    toopainfultolive Well-Known Member

    depression is an invisible illness. i cant even begin to explain. if i have cancer, i will stand proud and tell everyone i wanna die. a lifetime of pain is wat im facing. i see no future. im just tired. tired of trying to smile. tired of everything. And when i realize i cant even smile at the funny things that used to make me, i know im a goner. i have lingering thoughts, i have regrets but then they aren't strong enough to make me stay.
     
  8. magillygutty

    magillygutty Member

    Know how you feel. I also feel like I have no future and just cant stand existing anymore. Just like everyone is against you and life is so meaningless. In a way it is meaningless...:sad:

    Plus I also know the feeling of being tired all the time, tired of this bullshit.
     
  9. toopainfultolive

    toopainfultolive Well-Known Member

    I reread what I wrote and I mind no offense. I know someone who is suffering from brain tumor and nothing seems to be helping him so he smokes all the time.

    It's just nothing. I wake up everyday and I see nothing in my life. I can't find a job. Even uni graduates are having difficulty finding jobs. What abt me!? I can go back to school. I'm not stupid, not in that way. But I can't. I hated school. I'm a loner there. I dunno what's wrong with me that I have no friends. I'm just sticking ard for what? My family couldn't understand me, even though I did try to tell the least of what I'm going thru. Didn't want to scare them. They just see it as weakness. Bloody weakness. A escape from reality. They sighed, turn away and I hurt. I wish they can hug me once. No one hug me and I can't even rmb when is the last time someone did.

    I have got no one to turn to. And professional help aren't cheap. Hotlines always say the same thing that they are sorry for me, no im nt alone and i need to come in. That's when its all abt the money. And I don't have money. If I have, selfish as it sounds, I will spend it on a good holiday before I go. I will go somewhere nice, somewhere I always wanna go and then I will smile happily and genuinely for the last time.

    For now, I can only jump. Even that sucks!!
     
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