trying not to feel

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lemonyjuice, Nov 25, 2007.

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  1. lemonyjuice

    lemonyjuice Member

    Every once in a while, I feel like I can't possibly live another second. Right now, that's exactly how I feel. I feel like the people who are supposed to be there for me are just leaving me out in the cold. I feel like no one cares, like everyone has expectations but no one offers any support.

    Right now, I feel like my husband is totally ignoring the fact that I'm a human being with feelings. If he ever read this, he'd just be angry, because I know he just thinks I "act this way" for attention or because I have some neurotic need to be the victim. Honestly, I do everything I can to hide my true feelings from him, but every once in a while I can hear an after-school special voice in my head saying that I should confide in him and be honest. It always blows up in my face. He's mad at me for being depressed. I'm not always, or even usually depressed, but sometimes I feel down and I just need a shoulder to cry on and he just responds with contempt, which makes things ten times worse.

    Anyway, this isn't all about him, it's just that we had a fight about it again. I'm a stay-at-home mom and I know it's common for SAHMs to be depressed. I'm alone all the time except for a cranky toddler and the only person I see other than my son is my husband and he usually just wants to sleep or watch TV when he's not at work. I'm basically just lonely lonely lonely all the time.

    Anyway... this post is getting long so I guess I should wrap it up. I know I have to stay alive for my son, but I don't feel like I can stand this lonliness forever. There is NO ONE there for me. There is no one who I even trust enough to confide in. Sometimes I think I should just die so that my husband can find a new, better mom for our son and a happier more stable wife for himself. One that doesn't have a problem with depression so that they can all be happy together.

    I just need a reason to live...
  2. pisces-music-girl

    pisces-music-girl Well-Known Member

    :hug: We are here for you now, lemoyjuice. You have came to the right place.

    I can assure you that you are not doing this for attention or anything of the like. You are hurting, but your husband does not know that. He needs to understand, but please do not do anything drastic in trying to make him understand. Don't hurt yourself. You DO matter. Your son needs you, and he will need you in the near and distant future.

    If you can't find anything to live for, you will soon. SF is a wonderful place. We are a support forum, just like it says. We will help you, support you and be there for you.

    I am here for a PM should you need to talk to someone. If I don't respond, I'm probably asleep. :hug: Hold on, sweetie.
  3. urban_lily

    urban_lily Well-Known Member

    I'm so so sorry you are feeling like this....sounds like it totally sucks.....and your husband doesnt sound very supportive at all. Well, tere are plenty of people on this forum willing to listen and offer advice to you're not alone :) Also, you could try calling the Samaritans (I think they are called 'Befrienders' in the USA)...they are always there to listen to you confidetially and anonomously.

    You are right when you say you need to stay alive for your son....think about him and how much he would miss you if you were gone.

    Have you spoken to your doctor about this depression and these feelings you are getting? Because, I really think you should. It's nothing to be ashamed of, it's not your fault and if someone can help you grab all the help you can get!

    Your husband doesnt sound like he's being very sensitive to your needs or understanding what you're going through at all. Is there anyway that you could maybe get him to look after your son for a few days or even a few hours so you can go off and have some time to yourself?

    If you ever need a chat then feel free to pm me :) Or post on the forum, I'm sure many people would be willing to listen and offer advice.

    As for a reason to live....I would imagine your son would be top of that list :) Why not make it your goal to take small steps towards making yourself feel better....maybe take up a new hobby....possibly something you can do with your son.....what about doing a home study course? Just try something might give you more of a sense of purpose IYSWIM

    I wish all the luck and hugs in the world and please do not do anything to harm yourself as I'm sure once you are calmer and thinking more rationally you will realise what you have in your life that's worth living for and fighting for and you can turn things around for the better.

  4. lemonyjuice

    lemonyjuice Member

    Thanks for the kind replies and for taking the time to read. It really reassures me that there are people out there who are willing to listen.

    I am trying to improve my life and get back into things that used to make me happy. When I had my son, I had to drop out of university and I couldn't participate in a lot my hobbies anymore. I hardly ever see friends. It's a common story, really. At the same time, I absolutely love my son and I can't possibly think of abandoning him. He's so sweet and just thinking about him gives me hope.

    I'm going to be taking a class start in January and am working on a novel. I try to keep the place clean (I feel like how clean my place is is a reflection of how important it is to me personally to take care of myself).

    As for my husband... I don't know. We get along really great except when it comes to my depression. I've been prone to depression my whole life (I had a mother that belittled and abused me to make herself feel better and I haven't had much self-worth since). I feel like I'm making progress and he doesn't notice and when I take a step back, like everyone does, he's there to criticize. *sigh*

    I'm thinking of telling my doctor. I had post-partum depression really badly and made two suicide attempts. For one I was hospitalized and I was on anti-depressants until about six months ago. I was doing okay until I became pregnant again. It's not that I didn't want to be pregnant (I was two kids), it's just that the hormonal inbalances and feeling tired and crappy all the time aren't sitting well with me and I just KNOW I'll get PPD again, so I want to go back on my medication, but my husband disapproves... I think I may just have to do it anyway.

    Anyway, thanks again for the support. It really means a lot to me that there are people out there willing to care about a stranger.
  5. urban_lily

    urban_lily Well-Known Member

    if the medication will help you should do it. I dont see why your husband would disapprove but has harsh as it may's you that is suffering with this and if there is something that will help you should take it.

    Good for you for taking the class, writing a novel and keeping your house clean and tidy as well as looking after a young child! You should be proud of yourself as you have acheived so much! Go you! Sound very tiring though....:)

    I'm really not sure how you can try and get your husband to understand what you are going through....some people get it, some dont....maybe someone else will have some ideas on that (sorry!)

    And of course people care! Even if we dont know each doesnt matter. Sometimes it's just easier to talk about things like this with people you dont know and arent involved in your life in any way...I think so :)

    Good luck and be strong *hugs*
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