trying so hard not to die but i feel like i'm losing

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by selly, Oct 10, 2013.

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  1. selly

    selly Active Member

    i just don't know how to keep pushing myself to do the "right thing" anymore. i'm trying so hard to fix myself but it feels like a consistently losing battle.

    my bf of almost a year broke up with me because he needs to be alone and work on himself because he "isn't himself anymore". he says he can't handle my depression or help me anymore. he says he'll still be there as much as he can and he sees a future with me if i can fix myself, but i've heard it before and i can't have any faith in that. he won't. he's gonna run before i have the time to fix myself. everyone does. if he doesn't love me enough to be my bf and stay through it now, he won't when he's my "friend".

    i'm trying to pack my stuff to move out and it's killing me. i'm fine with moving home to give him space and to work on my issues but i don't understand why he can't be my "bf" until i help myself enough to care enough about me to help myself, if that makes any sense.

    i want to have the mentality to live for myself but i don't right now. i could care less about living. for what, to keep having no friends, and no one truly love me? to watch the only people who stand by me, my family, all die? i'm an only child, no cousins, no siblings. i just want to know that i'm worthy of love but obviously i'm not cause i always end up being too much for people that aren't obligated to be there.

    i just want to be gone. i don't want to keep trying to make things better for it to just fail. i don't want to keep hurting people and myself because i don't know how to force myself to get better. just one more time of me being selfish and uncaring and immature. one more mistake in everyone else's eyes and i'll never make anymore mistakes again.

    i've tried and failed too many times. i don't have the ability to look on the bright side, or believe that things will get better. i need people to remind me and unfortunately my issues don't allow my family to be that support and there's really no one else to turn to. i need my bf right now and he's abandoning me and it's all my fault, again. always, always, always my fault because i can't control myself. i'm so numb and broken right now, i really don't trust myself to make the right decisions when i'm finally back home :(.
     
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    keep pushing - trying so hard to fix myself - if i can fix myself- help myself enough to care enough about me to help myself - i could care less about living - worthy of love but obviously i'm not - i don't know how to force myself to get better - hurting people and myself because - one more mistake in everyone else's eyes - i don't have the ability to look on the bright side- it's all my fault, again. always, - i'm so numb and broken right now- don't trust myself to make the right decisions

    Wow girl...that's a lot of self hate and setting deadlines to please others with no concern to realistic timelines to set for yourself. Right now, re-read your post. Sit down. Let the tears fall. I mean really cry hun. You deserve to hurt! You deserve to feel really shitty for all that is and isn't happening in your life right now! You deserve to give yourself some "you time" to acknowledge your pain! You deserve better...so much better!

    Tears done? Okay, so settle in for a long read and let's go. Alright, now it's time to take serious stalk of who you are, what you are, where you are and why you feel so trapped. Time to find some ways to escape some of the pain so that you can start taking little steps to feeling better about you and your future. On and at your time. Not set up to be forced to get better for your bf or family or friends. You can't force better. It happens when all the right pieces fall into place. Not when someone else thinks, feels or needs you to be better. Only when you are ready for it. And only when you are ready to accept that you deserve better. Sorry, not any sooner than that and not for anyone else but yourself. Right now I am in a position where an agency says I have to be better to be able to get my little boy back. It is an incredibly short amount of time. I have been struggling with my mental and physical health issues for over 20 years now. I will not set myself up for failure. I will not give myself hope only to fail by my own stupidity. It means I may never get my son back. But he is in a better place. A family that can give him all I can't. What am I suppose to do? Lie. Pretend that I'm all better, peachy keen? Then what happens when I slip backwards one day? Am I being selfish at the cost of my son ever being to live with me at home again? That is what so many others would love for me to believe. So that I keep kicking my own ass. They want me to feel guilty about a situation that is out of my hands. I'll say it...it's about me not my son. He his healthy happy and safe. 3 things I am not. Which will hurt him most? Staying where he is or coming home with a real chance of being disappointed by having to go back to where he is now? I love him too much to pretend that things are worth him coming home. To force my self to pretend to be someone I am not. It has to be at my timeline, no one elses. And so it has to be for you too!

    Sorry have to go get my stitches out in about 20 minutes. Oh, unfortunately for you, I have so much more I want to offer you. So when I get back, I will try and remember it all and pick up from where I left off. So please, read what I have already posted. Try to see yourself and not all the others that you worry about impressing or trying to hold on to, to make yourself appearbetter to.
     
  3. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    You ask why your bf can't still be your bf while you both take some time to regroup. I'm gonna give it to you straight. You know how difficult it is to be you right now. Well, he is trying to understand you and has been trying to help you (that's how I understand the situation from what you've written). But no matter how much he says he understands, he can't. He isn't you. He can't truly understand unless he is or has suffered from depression and all the demons it brings. So he is a little uncertain of himself and his abilities to help you. He may be feeling that no matter what he tries, he can't get you past those feelings. Depression makes everyone feel so defeated. The person that suffers from it and their friends and families. So he needs some time. If he really cares about you, that is what he is doing. Regrouping, getting some energy back so that he can come back and keep caring for and about you. Just like you should be doing too. Take the time to find yourself. YOU are in there somewhere. Just lost in the thoughts and feelings. Take some time to be gentle to yourself. Take some time to realize you are worth and deserve soooo much more. It is really hard for others to help you when in their eyes you simply aren't trying. And from your post, hun, I'd have to say you aren't trying too hard right now. Not pointing a finger or blaming you. I know you're tired. Of always seeming to end up falling back after every teeny step forward. But you are here and posting and looking for a shoulder to lean on while you take a breather. Good for you! See a part of you does know that you aren't the horrible, unlovable person that you think you are. I can't stress enough how much you need to start loving you. If you can't, then you can't put that same responsibility on anyone else. And if you can't then you will never be able to accept the truth that someone else can or does love you.

    And there isn't a set "time" that you can or will get better. No one can tell you there is. You can't force yourself to get better. If you do, you'll never be better. When you force yourself or try to meet others ideas of when you are better, you end up telling yourself lies. Lies that you are better, ready to move forward and a false sense of accomplishment. But then something comes along, kicks you in the ass and you're down, hard. Now you feel like a complete failure, again. Now it is too easy to tell yourself...you screwed up again, why do you keep doing this to yourself, you aren't worth the effort needed to get better, you're done and want to die rather than keep hurting yourself. Sound familiar? Remember about loving yourself? Okay, now you see how important it is if you do want to get better. Those days when you fall, if you love yourself, those familiar tapes of self hate don't seem to get to play so easily. YOU alone will know when it will happen. And if you keep trying to meet everyone elses deadline, then you are only setting yourself up for failure. Failure that makes you turn on yourself. Don't do that anymore.

    You've been around SF long enough to know that you can come here when you really feel defeated. When you need someone to say hey, I care. A place to come and let others know that you are standing too close to the edge and need someone to help you get your feet back on some solid ground. A place where you know you are welcome and understood. You are here, so take advantage of those things. Please keep posting. Allow yourself that little bit of self love.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 10, 2013
  4. cots

    cots Well-Known Member

    You just posted my story, Selly. My boyfriend of 1 year left me in February and I'm not a day over that boy. He said something along the lines of your boyfriend's speech on the day he left, plus some other nasty stuff too which I'm not gonna elaborate on.

    I'm an only child too. I know exactly how lonely it can get.

    I don't have a solution to offer, but I'd like you to know that you're not alone in this. Stay strong, Selly.
     
  5. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Perhaps we should start an only child club.
    Lonely it is, but it also made me very self reliant.
    Dig deep and I bet you have that same self reliance, you just haven't tapped it yet.
    If you can amuse yourself for hours, stand being on your own, that reliance is there, us only kids learn very early to be alone, in fact I need a lot of personal space, something my friends who have sibling don't quite understand.
    As to b/fs, spouses etc. We need to love ourselves, know ourselves and fix ourselves, no bf/gf however loving can do it for us.
    So, although it doesn't feel like it, perhaps this time apart will be good for you, find that self reliance, get whatever professional help you can, and work on getting you better.

    Here you will find people you can vent at and who will walk with you as much as we can.
     
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