i just don't know how to keep pushing myself to do the "right thing" anymore. i'm trying so hard to fix myself but it feels like a consistently losing battle. my bf of almost a year broke up with me because he needs to be alone and work on himself because he "isn't himself anymore". he says he can't handle my depression or help me anymore. he says he'll still be there as much as he can and he sees a future with me if i can fix myself, but i've heard it before and i can't have any faith in that. he won't. he's gonna run before i have the time to fix myself. everyone does. if he doesn't love me enough to be my bf and stay through it now, he won't when he's my "friend". i'm trying to pack my stuff to move out and it's killing me. i'm fine with moving home to give him space and to work on my issues but i don't understand why he can't be my "bf" until i help myself enough to care enough about me to help myself, if that makes any sense. i want to have the mentality to live for myself but i don't right now. i could care less about living. for what, to keep having no friends, and no one truly love me? to watch the only people who stand by me, my family, all die? i'm an only child, no cousins, no siblings. i just want to know that i'm worthy of love but obviously i'm not cause i always end up being too much for people that aren't obligated to be there. i just want to be gone. i don't want to keep trying to make things better for it to just fail. i don't want to keep hurting people and myself because i don't know how to force myself to get better. just one more time of me being selfish and uncaring and immature. one more mistake in everyone else's eyes and i'll never make anymore mistakes again. i've tried and failed too many times. i don't have the ability to look on the bright side, or believe that things will get better. i need people to remind me and unfortunately my issues don't allow my family to be that support and there's really no one else to turn to. i need my bf right now and he's abandoning me and it's all my fault, again. always, always, always my fault because i can't control myself. i'm so numb and broken right now, i really don't trust myself to make the right decisions when i'm finally back home .