I'm mostly writing this for myself because it will keep me busy for a few minutes. Please don't read if you're judgmental. I'm gay and it will be the 7th anniversary of me and my boyfriend in 2 months. He spent 6 of those years in prison, but I waited and we talked and wrote every week. He wanted to parole to my county to be with me, but also he didn't want to parole to his old county because he knew all of his old friends would be there with drugs and he has trouble when they are right in his face. The parole office messed up and paroled him to his old county anyway. Me, him, and his mom planned he would stay there just until his PO showed up last Friday and then they would drive him here. His PO showed up but made him call back after 2 p.m. to check in. By that time his old friends showed up with motorcycles and he went riding with them. That led to drinking and that led to drugs. He didn't get here on Friday. He called me Saturday wanting to get on the next bus because his friends kept coming by with drugs and he knew he had to get out of there. The next bus wasn't until Sunday morning though. We booked the ticket, but he spent the night doing drugs. He almost made it to the bus, but his friend talked him into the idea of selling some dope real quick to get gas money so they could just drive out here. He said he'd call in two hours. After four hours I tried to call his friend to see if he was headed here. At 10 p.m. he called me and said I had no business calling to check up on him and said, "I'll call you in a few days, if I decide to call you at all." I know he has a history of running away when he gets mad and coming back a few days later when he cools down, but I can't stop the bad thoughts saying he isn't coming back. I can't stop thinking after 7 years he would stop loving me because I called his friend to see where he was. His family all say it was the meth talking and he gets mean when he is first coming down. They say he'll want to come here and get clean when he comes back down. They say for me not to give up because he'll be back, but it doesn't stop me from thinking he won't come back. I can't stop that thought and I can't stop thinking about doing something bad. I don't want to die, but I can't take hurting and being so scared. I want to hang on for him to come back, but it hurts too much and if he doesn't come back then what is the point of suffering for several days first? I got 3 hours of sleep last night finally, but didn't sleep for 5 days before that. I haven't been able to eat anything since Thursday night and I'm still not hungry. I drink water, but food makes me sick. I can't leave the house because I don't want to miss it if he calls. I can't watch TV or read a book because everything makes me think of him. I'm having panic attacks and it hurts more every minute. I don't want to hear that I deserve better because he's a good man when he's not on drugs. I don't want to hear there could be another guy for me because I don't believe that. I know that this is the one I've been waiting for my whole life. I'm just going hour by hour and it's getting harder and harder. I have a bottle of XXXXX and I keep picking it up and thinking that it will stop the pain. I put it down thinking that my Mikey will come back like his family says, but then I think if he doesn't I will hurt this way forever so I pick it up again. Nobody can give me advise because there is nothing I can do. I'm just running out of ways to distract myself really fast and I'm in hell and I only see one way out that is in my control. Now I'm in trouble again because I've run out of things to write so this distraction is finished.