Trying so hard to keep myself distracted

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Whitefangz, Jul 22, 2008.

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  1. Whitefangz

    Whitefangz New Member

    I'm mostly writing this for myself because it will keep me busy for a few minutes. Please don't read if you're judgmental.
    I'm gay and it will be the 7th anniversary of me and my boyfriend in 2 months. He spent 6 of those years in prison, but I waited and we talked and wrote every week. He wanted to parole to my county to be with me, but also he didn't want to parole to his old county because he knew all of his old friends would be there with drugs and he has trouble when they are right in his face. The parole office messed up and paroled him to his old county anyway. Me, him, and his mom planned he would stay there just until his PO showed up last Friday and then they would drive him here. His PO showed up but made him call back after 2 p.m. to check in. By that time his old friends showed up with motorcycles and he went riding with them. That led to drinking and that led to drugs. He didn't get here on Friday. He called me Saturday wanting to get on the next bus because his friends kept coming by with drugs and he knew he had to get out of there. The next bus wasn't until Sunday morning though. We booked the ticket, but he spent the night doing drugs. He almost made it to the bus, but his friend talked him into the idea of selling some dope real quick to get gas money so they could just drive out here. He said he'd call in two hours. After four hours I tried to call his friend to see if he was headed here. At 10 p.m. he called me and said I had no business calling to check up on him and said, "I'll call you in a few days, if I decide to call you at all."
    I know he has a history of running away when he gets mad and coming back a few days later when he cools down, but I can't stop the bad thoughts saying he isn't coming back. I can't stop thinking after 7 years he would stop loving me because I called his friend to see where he was. His family all say it was the meth talking and he gets mean when he is first coming down. They say he'll want to come here and get clean when he comes back down. They say for me not to give up because he'll be back, but it doesn't stop me from thinking he won't come back.
    I can't stop that thought and I can't stop thinking about doing something bad. I don't want to die, but I can't take hurting and being so scared. I want to hang on for him to come back, but it hurts too much and if he doesn't come back then what is the point of suffering for several days first?
    I got 3 hours of sleep last night finally, but didn't sleep for 5 days before that. I haven't been able to eat anything since Thursday night and I'm still not hungry. I drink water, but food makes me sick. I can't leave the house because I don't want to miss it if he calls. I can't watch TV or read a book because everything makes me think of him. I'm having panic attacks and it hurts more every minute. I don't want to hear that I deserve better because he's a good man when he's not on drugs. I don't want to hear there could be another guy for me because I don't believe that. I know that this is the one I've been waiting for my whole life. I'm just going hour by hour and it's getting harder and harder. I have a bottle of XXXXX and I keep picking it up and thinking that it will stop the pain. I put it down thinking that my Mikey will come back like his family says, but then I think if he doesn't I will hurt this way forever so I pick it up again. Nobody can give me advise because there is nothing I can do. I'm just running out of ways to distract myself really fast and I'm in hell and I only see one way out that is in my control. Now I'm in trouble again because I've run out of things to write so this distraction is finished.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 22, 2008
  2. sandalwood

    sandalwood Well-Known Member

    hey there, i hope you're alright.
    i'm not going to patronize you and tell you worrying is irrational. sadly it's part of the human condition, but try and keep calm for a minute. you're both in love right? you always have that, and that's amazing. you said the drugs tend to dictate the things he says. i am sure that he still loves you and has every intention of calling you once he's got himself together. try and keep that thought in mind. it's what truly matters. and aside of that, try distracting yourself with things that perhaps don't remind you of him. maybe see some friends?

    take care of yourself
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...addiction is such a monster...until your SO is ready to be drug-free, I fear he will be caught up in this cycle...please do not hurt yourself over his do not deserve this...I wish he would recognize how much you care for him, but, as you know, an addict may not have these feelings available to him...hope he gets the help he needs...big hugs and welcome again, J
  4. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Hopefully writing all this may of helped your mind in some way.
    The trance that your other half is under is hard to break out of, unless he is genuinely willing to stop it. On the plus side though, you have his family on your side. Something is got to give, hopefully he will ring back very soon.
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    When he calls you need to remind him that part of being on parole is having to take pee tests to see if you are using. If he is going to be this inconsiderate then maybe it wasn't ment to be. You sound pretty level headed so I hope you throw that bottle of pills in the toilet and flush them. Sure you are hurting and that is understandable. Any time there is a breakup it is painfull and you greive your lost. After a bit you go from greif to anger. there are other stages but I can't remember them. These are the two that mean something to me. I wish you well and remember we are here to help!!!:chopper:!!!
  6. Whitefangz

    Whitefangz New Member

    I'm still here. His brother went and got him and brought him to his mom's house and is helping him get clean and watching him non-stop to keep him out of trouble. He's mad at me and won't talk to me though. Last Sunday I called his sister-in-law and asked if he was on his way here or not. He doesn't want anyone there but his mom or sister to know he's with a guy, so he freaked out that I had called even though I acted real cool when I called and pretended I was just his friend calling to see if he left to come here yet. It's a situation made absurd by the fact that he really wants to keep it a secret, but everybody there already knows that he is with me and they are happy for him and want him here, but they pretend they don't know so they won't make him freak out. On Sunday night when he was still on drugs he called and said "I will call in 5 days if I decided to call you ever." I thought maybe he would stop being mad when he came down, but last night I called his mom's house and he wouldn't come to the phone. He yelled, "I told him I would call him in a week." I asked his mom to ask him to please talk to me for just a minute, but he just repeated, "I told you one week and if he keeps asking it's just going to make me madder."
    He's not a bad man. He has been clean for so long and he only got in trouble because the parole office made him report to his old town first. He didn't want to go there for this exact reason. Every other house there is a meth lab and it's so hard when it's in your face. He's only mean and on drugs when he is in that town. It's such an awful place. I'm not making excuses for him. He can stay clean when he is not around that place. When it's not offered to him he won't go looking for it. He has been clean every time he has been out of that town. He worked so hard to learn welding and then taught himself sign language because he wants to someday teach deaf people to weld. When he's not in that town he's the sweetest man in the world. This is a man who ran into a burning trailer once to save a stranger right before the propane tanks exploded, but he won't talk about it because he doesn't think that was anything special. This is a man who spent 6 years in prison for a car-jacking that he had nothing to do with, just because he didn't want to rat on a friend who had several children to support. He just turns into a monster when he's in that town around everything there.
    If I knew for sure that he would call after he cools off and would still love me, I would understand and be okay. I'm just so scared that he won't call or will stop loving me. I'm in limbo right now, desperately hoping he will cool off, remember he loves me, and call, but having bad thoughts about what if he doesn't. Right now I'm just clinging to the hope that he'll listen to his heart when he cools down and come be with me and out of that town forever. It's just so hard when you have bad thoughts and have to wait and won't know for sure until he calls. I'm just having trouble keeping myself distracted and wish so badly I could tell him I'm sorry for making him mad and I love him. He always stops talking to me when he gets mad and then he cools off and comes back in the past, but he's in that evil town now and I'm just scared. I think maybe I can hang on for the rest of the week and hope, but if it goes longer than that I don't think I can. He's everything I ever want or need when he's not in that town.
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