It's been four months since my first suicidal thoughts and a month since I have been left all alone and by myself. And this month is the worst for me so far. I try so hard to find joy and happiness in everything I do. I exercise more, started learning French, trying to do more at work and sent an application to join the Red Cross society in order to keep myself occupied during my free time and help others, if I get accepted. But these intrusive thoughts are killing me. I try not to think of the person which meant and still means so much to me but I just can't. The thoughts just appear in my head randomly and I can't do anything about it. The worst part of the day is waking up. When I wake up, I feel so sad and as if something is missing and lost in my life. The sadness lasts throughout the day and I manage to feel a bit better in the evening when the day is about to end but just temporary. And then morning comes. Same bad emotions kick in and I have to start all over. The job that I have used to be my dream job, it used to make me happy. But I don't feel happiness anymore. I try so hard to enjoy it but now it seems to be pointless. Whatever I do now seems to be pointless. It is because all that I ever achieved was for her. I want to forget her. I want to erase that part of my life and have no memories of it, even though those years were the happiest years of my life. Whenever I randomly think of her, I get so angry and upset about the fact that she left. I want to scream and break things, I want to feel nothing. It feels as if the person ruined my life. I gave the person more than to anyone else in this life, more than to my family, more than to myself. Everything that I ever believed in was just a lie. Now I am so lonely and betrayed, trying my best to survive and live through this period, which seems to be endless.