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Trying to conceive with suicidal issues?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by feathers, Oct 15, 2013.

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  1. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    I want to state that I am not suicidal at the moment. Me and my boyfriend are trying for a baby. But I'm scared. I'm not scared of having a child or of being a mum, more like I am scared that once I have a child I cant kill myself.

    I always thought that one day I would die by suicide, but if I have a child i know I won't be able to, and that is terrifying tk me. My boyfriend doesn't understand, he thinks that my reason in life is to be a mum, but he thinks that once I hold my baby in my arms I will never want to leave this world again.

    How I wish it was as easy as that.

    To me, having a baby isn't the big decision. thats the easy decision. The difficult bit is making the choice that i can't ever resort to suicide. So I'm having difficulty. :/
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    How to post without sounding like I am trying to dismiss your feeling? Understand that though my words may sound harsh, they aren't meant to. I am only offering advice through the eyes of someone that has been exactly where you are.

    First, make absolutely sure that having a baby is what you both want and are going to make a lifetime commitment to. I know too well that someone can say they will be there, but when push comes to shove, they can and will quite easily walk away. And had this Dad passed away rather than walked away, would of been much easier for my son to have some sense of closure on it all.

    How do you know there might not be some truth to your boyfriend's words? So far you have spent your life being responsible for only you. And I agree 100% that having the option to suicide somehow feels safe and in an odd twist, gives us a reason to keep hanging on even through some tough spots. Just knowing you can attempt when you feel at the end of a very thin rope. But you have only had you to care about. A baby gives you reason to open up a part of you that you never knew existed. Someone to raise by teaching them good morals and ethics. Sort of a new clean slate of yourself. You have the chance to help another being to become all you wanted to. To teach them from your experiences the "not to's" and the how to's to give them the opportunity at being strong and wanting to move forward with each new day.

    Truth be told, if you really want to suicide, you will. There is nobody and nothing that can stop you if you get that desperate. You can be guilted into staying around for others sake. But eventually that will only make your feelings, thoughts and urges stronger and make you feel like even more of a failure than you have convinced yourself that you are. I'm speaking from personal experience. That scenario is definitely not fair to either you or your child. Then there are the baby blues to consider. You are going to need a very strong, real life, support network. Here is good, but isn't going to cut it when you need a real shoulder to lean on.

    If you need it, you will always be able to hold on to the possibility of suicide as a comfort. But having a child and saying that you are scared of losing that possibility shouts you're not ready for a child. You need to work on yourself a little more before you should consider having a baby. Be fair to both you and that baby. I don't know anything about what you are presently doing towards managing your depression and suicidal thoughts beyond your meds. If you aren't already, consider finding a therapist or counseling
    or group to help you find some answers and help with your mental health issues. See about volunteering at a local school and see just how prepared you are to have and a raise a child.

    To me, having a baby isn't the big decision. thats the easy decision. The difficult bit is making the choice that i can't ever resort to suicide. So I'm having difficulty

    I think it's not that easy. You will always have the choice to attempt suicide. But having a baby and being strong enough to raise it and not use it as an excuse not to suicide...that's the really hard part. With children you need to want to be here, not have to be here...they figure that out very quickly.

    Hope my words came across as offering advice. That's all they are intended to do. In no way are they meant to make you feel worse about you or your future. They come from a vast well of experience and hopefully help you a bit.
  3. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    If you do decide to get pregnant, it may be a very important thing to speak first with your doctor to make certain you can be carefully monitored for post partum depression. It is very important considering you are starting off feeling suicidal. I strongly suggest you check this out first >:D<
  4. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    Without trying to sound the wrong way, shouldn't marriage come before children? Having kids is a huge commitment and getting married is a commitment also. Next, as already mentioned, talk to a doctor first - especially if you are currently on any sort of meds. Personally, I think that if you have suicidal thoughts you should work on resolutions for that before considering creating a family. I've raised three kids to adulthood and it is a HUGE commitment that requires dedication of both parents, financial stability, and good health both physical and emotional. Kids can be very trying and they are a gigantic responsibility.
  5. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    Firstly i want to make a response to suggestions that I seek further help for my issues. I have spent 4 years running in circles trying to get to therapy in my health system. I finally got to a point where I decided that it was more harm than good. Every appointment I went to I got shrugged off at and it always hurt me so much. Every appointment I looked forward to with utter dread so I finally, last week, discharged myself and I have no intention of putting myself through that hell again until I can afford to go private. I am on meds which help me to be almost 100% stable and I intend to talk to my psych to put my on more baby-friendly meds.

    I am by no means here to defend whether I'm ready to TTC or not so I'm not gonna go there.

    Although I think this may have been an eye opener for me: " Truth be told, if you really want to suicide, you will. There is nobody and nothing that can stop you if you get that desperate. "

    None of us are ever truly ready for parenthood. I guess maybe this suicide issue is something I may never fully get over. I suppose its an inevitable issue for anyone who has suffered suicidal feelings and wants to have a baby.

    Pickwithaustin: No I don't believe marriage needs to come before children.
  6. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I am REALLY sorry you did not get the kind of support you were looking for. you honestly did deserve that. I reread your first post. Of course it would be difficult to lose that one option for checking out. Sometimes that option is all I have to hold on to. But you did let it be known that suicide will not be an option for you as a mom. And that feels to me like it might be losing an old friend. The option to leave. the wierd smiley I posted was actually supposed to be a hug. Thats what it is in yahoo messenger. I forgot where i was. and that this font command doesnt make a hug. I think you will be a good mum. Because you know beyond question that you absolutly cannot leave once you are a mum. And yes, you may need support for that exit door that is closed. I will be here to listen when you need that.
  7. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    Thank you so much. I know I'm ready. I have been ready since before i had my miscarriage nearly 3 years ago. My partner is very committed, and we're both in it for life. We're not married, but I want kids first. It doesn't make it any easier for me wanting to wait to TTC anyway because I obviously question my fertility due to miscarrying.

    I honestly felt so much better after discharging myself from that service. For four years I've been stressing about my next appointment coming, terrified that the help I needed was just not gonna come, I would just keep getting denied it. Now i know that I'm not getting the help, I have nothing to look forward to in dread. No more hope shattering appointments. I may be on meds for life, but its preferable to going through another minute of that hell.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 15, 2013
  8. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I was married to the sperm donor of my 1st three children for almost 15 years. He abused me in more ways than I could imagine. But I accepted it because of the old ways that I was taught. You get married and stayed married, through thick and thin, better or worse yadda yadda yadda. Those outdated ways of thinking damn near killed me and my children. My littlest guy was born with a person that promised to be there, no matter what. Even if we were no longer together as a couple he would be there for the child. He up and walked away the morning after my son's 1st birthday. That was over 7 years ago. So in the end, married or not, I have been raising 4 children alone.

    that requires dedication of both parents, financial stability, and good health both physical and emotional

    Those types of statements really add to my feelings of being a failure to both myself and my children. I WAS both the mom and dad to all my children before during and after each "dad" was in my children's lives. I was the person that both my grown daughter and 2 grown sons came to, knowing they could talk to me about anything in their lives that they needed to discuss. My children got the best of both a mom and a dad from me and me alone. If their dads had remained in their lives they would of never grown to be the secure adults they are today. My youngest is now going through Hell because after 7 years, his "dad" returns and figures he can just walk back into my dearest little guy's life. I never said anything against his dad all those years. I just kept telling him that dad doesn't want to be a dad right now. Now dad is back (when he wants to) in my son's life and is lying to the boy about why he wasn't there all those years. Telling my son all different lies about me and offering him reasons that put the blame on my little guy as to why he wasn't there. I can't imagine what my baby is feeling and thinking now. And you suggest that I should of been married to this man first? Shame.

    I have not been able to work for close to 15 years because of both my mental and physical health issues. I have raised those children on an income from S.A. that brings me in at about $7000. below the national poverty line. But my kids have always been well cared for and never wanted for all the important things they need to grow both physically and mentally. And above any thing that money could ever buy for them...they know that they are truly loved by me. How many couples today that are financially stable can say the same thing? I commit to my children more than any one of the "dads" could or ever of offered. Having the money to be financially stable DOES NOT insure a happy and well adjusted child.

    I have always kept my children fully aware of both my mental and physical health issues for 2 reasons. So that they did indeed hear it from me and not someone else. That gave me the opportunity to explain them to my kids on levels they could fully understand for their age. And so that they fully understood both of them. I have been completely honest with them and let them know that neither is in anyway their fault. I am doing the best I can to deal with all MY issues. It has made a very unique bond between my children and myself. They truly understand that they should never feel responsible for anything that happens to me and never have when I have made any of my attempts. I'm chronically suicidal and also bipolar with many other mental health issues. All issues that arose AFTER I married my now ex husband. Being married is not a prerequisite for having children. Suicide was never an issue in my life when we decided to start having a family. For the last almost 20 years I have been both struggling and finding the odd success regarding my mental health issues. But that is my battle. Not my children. And living with the guilt that others carelessly throw my way that I must be here for my children quite honestly is said with very little consideration that being here struggling everyday is not always the best for my children to have to witness and deal with as well. That only leads to the guilt my children will feel when something happens to me. Cut out the guilt trips please people!

    Yes, raising my children has been a huge commitment and responsibility. But one that I have done very well...alone. One that I think both my children and myself can be proud of. It is massively insulting to hear people make statements like the one you posted. Married or not, matters not, just that at the end of the day your children know that they are deeply loved and that someone is so very proud of them. If I died next week from my own hand or my physical issues, none of my 4 children would doubt the pride and love I have for them.
  9. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Although I think this may have been an eye opener for me: " Truth be told, if you really want to suicide, you will. There is nobody and nothing that can stop you if you get that desperate. "

    I hope that didn't scare you, that wasn't my intention. It is just a truth. A truth that I have been told by my therapists, counselors, mental health workers, pdoc and leaders of many support groups I have attended. And I understand that statement. I have made attempts where I reached out for help before I actually acted on the suicidal feelings. Why? Because on some level, I really didn't want to die, just shut out the world. I've said so may times...I don't want to be dead, but need to be dead to find the real peace I keep looking for. Other attempts , I never reached out before, just acted on my thoughts and came so close to achieving what I want so badly. So close that I was in comas or had to be resuscitated. Just trying to somehow explain that you don't have to let go of your feelings of suicide until you are ready to. You either have to accept them or try to get past them. But I strongly suggest that you do try to find some way to deal with those feelings before you start a family. It's a big enough struggle when it's just you. Even harder to deal with if you feel you need to shove them deep down inside because you have the responsibility of a family. But no matter what, be proud of finding the courage to post about your feelings. So many can't even get that far in trying to reach out for help.
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