Trying to control this demon

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by spidy, Feb 2, 2010.

  1. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    Been trying to keep myself busy for the last few weeks but this dark demon tht haunts me day after day just wont go.My depression has become real bad.Ive been hiding it bottling it up as im scared of loosing access to my kids if i show tht im loosing it.Ive been struggling with mood swings trying to keep them under control to the point at times where im about to explode.Ive still got suicidle thghts but im trying to control them havnt attempted this year yet again very hard to control.I havnt cut in a while yet i still carry a blade everywhere i go as the urges are still there.I know bottling this monster up is not good for me but i dont want to risk not seeing my kids but i am really scared of screwing up again as its not getting any easier.I am seeing my counciller again but i feel im to far gone.I still have lots on my mind but its even the small thngs thats triggering me.My head spins at 100 mph lately which dosnt allow for good sleep.I dont know how long before i ll screw up again but im giving it my best.Everyone says im looking better only if they could see behind the mask im putting on.People seem a bit more relaxed around me so im just going to try and keep bottling this demon for as long as i can.Hopefully i can beat it somehow before i crack.I find most of my friends family etc dont understand depression /anxiety tht well is why i cant show it.
     
  2. JonathanK

    JonathanK Well-Known Member

    My sister has had a lot of problems like that. Her life's been an emotional hail storm, mainly because her doctors were giving her the wrong medication. She says she finally got the right diagnosis of being bipolar and that having a bipolar doctor that has a bipolar husband has really helped. It isn't just theoretical to the doctor. The doctor knows what works and doesn't from experience. Medication might not be what you need, but try to find a better therapist if you can. I'm really cynical of big pharma, because my sister was being given Xanax and developed an addiction to it, ultimately leading to a Grand Mal Seizure from overly high dosages. She has memory problems now, which were only compounded when she was still on Xanax. She swears by her new meds and new doctor though, and i believer her. She has very little side effects with what she's taking. I know there's a chemical basis to depression, and meds can help very well if the psychiatrist is talented enough. It can go really wrong if they're hacks though. I hate Xanax. It might help some people, but it hurt my sister.
     
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Try to give yourself some sort of outlet. Even if it's posting here, talking to people, or posting a diary ... don't bottle everything up completely.
     
  4. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    im trying not to but if i fall this time i loose everythng tht stands important to me so it hard not to just try and keep it all inside im doing good at moment but i can feel it all knocking waiting just waiting too escape but im fghting as hard as i can just cross ya fingers for me
     
  5. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    :hug: Got my fingers crossed for ya. :D Here if you need anything.