Trying to decipher a girl's mind!

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by Fdt, Apr 17, 2010.

  1. Fdt

    Fdt Well-Known Member

    I'm afraid this might get a little long, but please bare with me.

    17 months ago, I met a girl online (through WoWarcraft, yeh how sad etc etc). Anyway, we were quite close friends, spoke for several hours a day, often with a lot of intimacy about our lives, our past (generic past, that is).
    After a while I started to get feelings for her, we'd exchanged pictures, she said she found me attractive, as did I for her. 1 year ago exactly I told her I had feelings for her, that I didn't expect anything to come of it, but I thought she should know anyway. She told me she had similar feelings, but obviously the distance was too big of a barrier for now, I live in the UK, she lives in South France.

    This girl was 16/17 at the time, as was I. She didn't have the easiest childhood, her mother has been in and out of comas, her father left her mother impulsively when she was 11, leaving her at her aunts while her mother was ill in hospital. From then on she has been living largely on her own with the aid of her aunt.

    Anyway, during most of last year, I'd always be complimenting her, telling her how beautiful she was and how sweet she is. 99% of the time I'd get a positive reaction, 50% of the time she'd return whatever compliment I gave her. But it always felt like I had to tease compliments out of her, she'd VERY RARELY give one to me without me saying anything first. This is from a girl who would always confide in me about her concerns in life, tell me when she was crying, and who told me "I care about you as much as I care about my mom, I've never felt this way before".

    She told me often how she wished I lived near her, yet when last summer I offered to come visit her, she became very evasive of the subject, but would never flat-out tell me she didn't want me to visit her.

    What's could be going on in her head? When talking about "us", she always seems set on the idea that there is some massive "distance" between us, when in reality, I could be from my bedroom to holding her in my arms in a few hours of travel, but then again, I've flown no less than 100 times, she's flown twice, is it possible we have different perception of distance? To me I can see no good reason why she's repellent at truely opening up to me without me prodding it out of her, yet to her it seems as if I'm completely unreachable due to being in a different country.

    Pretty much I'm just curious as to whether someone cannot often impulsively compliment someone they have feelings for (ie. me), and still truthfully have feelings for me, like she tells me she does.

    I know there's some people on here that have actually been in a similar situation to me, so if them or any of you kind people could give even their vaguest opinion on the matter, I'd appreciate it a lot.

    (Sorry of the messy wall of text, there's actually a lot more detail to it, but I won't bore you with it yet)
  2. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    As far as the compliments thing goes I think I'd have to say I can understand anybody who has trouble giving or receiving them because I struggle massively with this, and I hate myself for it. It especially sucks when someone constantly pays you lovely compliments and you cannot return the favour. So try to ignore this if you can, it's a very very difficult thing for a person to overcome and it is in no way indicative of their feelings for you.

    Secondly, England and France - well that's a hop, skip and a jump isn't it and not very far at all. Do you think it could be because of the situation that she is in (whatever that may be?), personally if I were to meet somebody who lived in Leeds whilst I am living in London I'd see THAT as being difficult even though it's only a 4 - 6 hour journey, and that is because I am currently struggling mentally and financially and as much as I'd want to, I couldn't see things working. Maybe she is feeling the same way. It could also just be fear... the biggest problem with internet relationships is some can very easily chicken out and say this isn't for them, you said this girl has had a lot of loss in her life, her father leaving, her mother getting ill and now having to basically fend for herself, she could be scared of letting anybody get too close.

    Of course all of these are just guesses and I am a FIRM believer in trying not to guess what is going on in the minds of others, because you know what they say about assuming. :)
    Take a chance and just ask her - you've nothing to lose by this and everything to gain and wouldn't you rather hear the truth from the horses mouth?
  3. Fdt

    Fdt Well-Known Member

    I have asked her to some extent. Back in September I asked her if she ever thought it'd be possible for us to be in a relationship of some sort, she said something like "there's one half of me that likes you a lot, yet the other half makes me think I wouldn't be able to cope with a boyfriend living so far away, espsecially with me trying to deal with my mom and school".

    That kind of answered the question about her being so anxious to meet me I guess, but just because we meet doesn't mean she's bound into anything, unless she's afraid of becoming very emotionally attached, perhaps? Because Ishortly after that I offered to come to see her at Christmas, she took to the idea, but anytime I bring the subject up, she'd once again be very avoidant of it. I ended up sending her an email saying I'm fed up with her decietful crap (she'd told some very irritating lies, all because she didn't have the balls to tell me flat out that she didn't want to give me her address so I could send a card for her birthday), and that I'm fed up after trying so hard to make her happy and feel special that she still can't say to me if she doesn't want to do something.

    She then emailed back telling me that she was crying in an internet café as she was writing this reply and that she was so sorry for everything. Then after a couple of emails back and forth, including a very agry (yet justified) one from me, we didn't speak for 6 months until 2 weeks ago.

    Just seems in my head as if she's one big oxymoron, we were always talking, she'd return my compliments and tells me how sweet I am. But cannot truthfully open up to me about how she feels towards me (to this day I still don't have a clue to the extent to which she feels for me), and goes to length to avoid meeting me and even telling me her address so I can do something as small as send her a birthday card.

    Honestly confuses the hell out of me, and its been same old same old since we made up and have been talking in the last couple of weeks.
  4. KittyGirl

    KittyGirl Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry-- she is young and confused. I don't think she really knows how she feels or what she wants~ and it would be understandable with a background like hers.

    You could try forever and not completely understand her mind.
    Over time- I'm sure she will understand more and let you in on her feelings... but just take it slow for now.
  5. Fdt

    Fdt Well-Known Member

    Hmm, well I think 17 months is a long enough time to give some sort of clarity, she is approaching 19 now. It's not like she hasn't had boyfriends in the past in the past, she even had one briefly in the time we spent not talking. And its not that I even want a relationship with her, I just want some transparency between our feelings, and maybe to meet her, and just spend a couple of days getting to know her.

    We were talking the other day, and I was talking about University and such, and she asked which one I was going to, I told her, she then told me that she's coming to study in England for 1 year (in a city where I have a lot of family). I'm not really sure why'd she tell me that if she was making an effort to deter me from meeting her, but then again, I haven't brought up the subject of meeting her since back in November, I might try again, and not go along with her obvious deterrances, and just say for her to tell me the truth if she wants to meet up, if not, its fine and she doesn't have to make excuses.

    Spoke to my brother about her, since he's had a lot of experience with girls, and kinda understands their mentality quite well. His evaluation of her was "She's just fucking weird".
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 19, 2010
  6. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    It's not as if any two are the same. Just because you get one, you might not get another...
  7. Fdt

    Fdt Well-Known Member

    Yeh I understand that, its just that experience is often the only semi-reliable thing in these situations, not like I have anything else to go by.
  8. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    Yeah well I guess I can understand that. :( I mean men still confuse me, just when I thought I was beginning to understand them. I suppose we all have a basic on and off switch, it's all of the little dials in between that are different.
    I don't really have much dating experience, I've never been in a relationship that lasted longer than a few months. But I try to always listen carefully to what other people (friends/family/people on tv etc.) complain about when it comes to their relationships.
  9. christian_1990

    christian_1990 Well-Known Member

    how about you man up and date girls from your same town? instead of dreaming like if real life was a dysney movie?
  10. Fdt

    Fdt Well-Known Member

    And even if I did want to date her, its not as if long-distance relationships are exactly rare or unheard of, jumping on a plane every other week isn't exactly a big deal.
  11. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    I think Christians response was pretty pointless, 'date some girls from your own town'. If I would've taken that advice when I was 17 I would've stayed single until I was 21! There were NO guys in my town worth dating! And nobody is thinking this is a Disney movie, you don't have to be such a bloomin cynic.

    I do think hopping a plane every now and again can be a big deal to some people though. I mean... I certainly wouldn't do it, but that's just me.
    -It's expensive.
    -It's a hassle.
    -You can't spend as much time together as you'd like.
    -No real chance of spontaneous meets.
    -Could be frustrating (especially for those with issues) as you may need constant support or just a hug from your partner, and you have to book a flight and wait a day just to do that.

    Maybe the best thing you can do is forget about this girl, I'm inclined to see most (not all) things as being quite straight forward when it comes to men and women usually and if she is not making the same effort as you are, then she's probably just not as keen as you are.
    It could be worth saying to yourself "alright well she's obviously shown me how she is feeling with her actions".
    Forget about her and meet someone else. :)
  12. Reki

    Reki Well-Known Member

    You have a nice thing going with a good friend, but that's probably all it's going to be. Like Aurora said, the best thing to do might just be to move on. You don't have to drop contact with her altogether but a fairly reliable thing to go by is if you can't tell she's into you, she probably isn't.

    If you want my personal opinion, she likes you as a friend and doesn't want to see you get hurt by telling you she doesn't feel the same way romantically. It's a way overused line but it's probably the truth here. Just let it go.
  13. kyle88

    kyle88 Well-Known Member

    Talking over the internet/phone is much different than real life...

    It sounds to me like she's just scared to meet you in real life... and rightfully so, it's easy to get attached to someone over the internet, but at the end of the day, you never truly know the other person 100%... Even if you had "intimate" convos with them... I have these kind of convos with people all the time, infact i find it easier to talk to people who barely know me than my own family/friends... I don't know why...

    I think you shouldn't force her into the idea of the relationship or get mad at her for not commiting... she is still a stranger to you at the end of the day and you are the same to her... She is also very young... and I don't mean to offend you, I think its a good sign that she is hesitant to just meet someone over the internet, even if she knew them for 17 months... imagine you had a daughter or even son at the same age, do you think you would be comfortable with them meeting someone over the internet... there is always that uncertainty... and its good that shes at least causious IMO, it says that she just doesn't meet any guy or person, and especially for someone who never grew up with proper parents around, i think its a good sign that she is not easily influenced by others. I wouldn't take it so personal man, it takes time to build up trust. Even though 17 months might be a lot to you, it's really nothing when your talking about a real relationship, because things are a lot different in real life than the internet.

    Give it time... rather than going to her house, see if you can meet up with her at a location of her choice, it doesn't have to be a big romantic night or something, but something small, even coffee... and see if you guys are still comfortable with each other face to face the way you are over the internet... You can make all the compliments over the internet to her, but at the end of the day, it's about how comfortable she is around you...

    There is obviously that distance, but just tell her that you can take things slow, just hang out once in a while, and if there are strong feelings, we can discuss those things when the time is right...
  14. Fdt

    Fdt Well-Known Member

    Good post Kyle88, but I've actually taken great strides to take this girl out of my mind, mainly by pre-occupying my mind with other girls.

    Now that I've detatched myself emotionally from her to a large extent, looking at the whole thing from a neutral point of view its clear to see that she isn't really worth chasing after, and while I'll still probably remember her for a long time, she isn't that great of a person. It's just that the time when I got back in contact with her was when I didn't really have much going for me girl-wise, I had no proper attraction to anyone, so jumped at the chance to be able to connect with a girl again. Though since then I've got closer to my (only) female friend, and can talk to her about stuff I can't talk to boys about, and although there isn't the proper intimacy you got from talking to someone you have feelings for, it does help a lot.