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trying to do last minute goodbyes

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ive already told my family i love them more than anything. but it still feels incomplete. all i want is for when its done is for my family to know its not there fault, and that theres nothing they could have done. But how do i get this message across? No matter what i tell them or how much i say i love them there gonna feel upset when im gone.

i guess since i joined this site i should give a little background, im 25, a male. Umm my father killed himself when i was 10. i have serious depression, runs in my family. I always knew id kill myself, or figured i would. But only now is it a constant pressure to talk myself out of doing it. A few years ago i got addicted to heroin, to help ease the pain of depression. Now im at the worst point in my life, after 3 years of opiate addiction im going threw the most horrible withdrawal ive ever imagined... and because of a drug charge from 2 years ago in ten days i have to go to do 6 months of jail. all of these things tells me now is the right time. I always figured id do it with a gun, but the problem is im officially a felon now and have no way to get a gun. So whatever i do wont be as quick and easy as i want. I thought about pills for a while but that would be really painful waiting for my liver to die then the rest of me. So i guess hanging is the next best method.

I dont wanna ruin my families lives when they find my body, but how do you worry about them and yourself at the same time? if they knew what it was like inside my head they would want me to stop the pain. Even if it means saying goodbye to them forever. I dunno i just dont know anything anymore.
I understand how you feel about your parents emotions when they find your body. I worry the same way. No matter how hard the person tries, the parents are always going to blame themselves.
When I go I plan on leaving a note about what goes on in my mind and what I am actually like. That way maybe theyll either hate me or sympathise with me enough to let me go.
i give them as many hugs as i can, and i always tell them that its not there fault that im the way i am. They just tell me to be strong, it will pass, but after 25 years i realize thats just what they have to say, for some people being strong isnt enough, it doesnt pass. It just festers and temporarily subsides. It doesnt go away. So what do i do? i put on the face they want, pretend everythings okay. But is that fair to me? Is it fair to keep living for other people when your miserable? i dont see how its fair, but i also cant stop feeling guilty about what it would do to my parents. I guess thats the major regret ill have when it happens, is that i could never fully convince my parents that its in the best interest of everyone. and that everything will be better for them when im gone.
Yeah I'm hoping I can say the right things to everybody in a letter to absolve anybody from guilt. That people need to forget me and go on living and enjoy their lives. To impress upon them that i didnt choose to be born,I didn't enjoy life and I chose to die. I want them to know I'm at peace and happy with my decision.

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
Hun you will destroy so many lives if you leave being on the other side of suicide i can tell you one never heals from it. I too have thought as you have but then i can see how many more lives would go after me because of the grief i caused Better to reach out okay get some support to help you be stronger to help you cope and heal inside Please know i understand i do but leaving is just not the answer not when there is help out there for you


Staff Alumni
Hi Bloodwind,

I hope you'll reach out for help because with support you can get through this. A lot of people here understand what you are going through and that tell you with time, things will get much better. With the right combo of therapy and the support of your family and friends, you can get over this. What we never get over is the loss of a love one. I also wish to welcome you at SF.
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