It's been a long time since I posted here, and I've tried to fight my suicidal thoughts on my own for so long now. I've been doing so well. I went from a homeless a socially inept freak with nothing but a backpack full of clothes and no hope for the future, to a good job, a nice car, an apartment, and the ability to speak to people as if I was born the most fluent socially competent speaker alive. I even have a concert I'll be playing at coming up on Friday. I've gone to work with no sleep, barely eating, and when I get home I work on my music for hours and hours. I've foguth so hard, and never given up. I haven't taken much time to breathe though. Maybe that's why I'm so stressed, but there's so much going through my mind. What if I bomb this show? Like every show I've had before? What if all my efforts were for nothing? I have a CD dropping that day, but it just sounds terrible to me. My whole life I've been fighting for this, everything I've endured, the whole reason I fought so hard was for this. I have a plan, but it's so hard to keep myself on track, I have so much work to do and so little time left. By the time I wake up in the morning, and drag myself out of bed (Which is a struggle all it's own) Everyone I know is still asleep, and I work until hours after they pass out. I've put so much into my ambitions, my dreams. But for what? I know what I want to do with my life, perform. But what if that doesn't work out? I can't take the stress of working every day in this hell of a life. My art is all that brings me solace. I know I've come a long way, and I should be proud of what I achieved. Still, it's not enough. I've woken up more than once, spitting and/or vomiting up blood (Fresh, and dried) And I still didn't break my stride, I kept fighting for my dreams with no regards to my own health. And I know it's my choices that perpetuate my self-destruction, but it's like I can't find an alternative (You'd think I'd just quit drinking, but that's not how the mind of an addict works I guess...) I know I need to stop drinking, because I can feel it killing me, but it's so damn hard when that's the only thing that brings me even a sense of happiness, even if I know it's fake. Hell, I barely feel like I'm getting intoxicated anymore, so much as just stupid and uncoordinated. I feel possessed when I run out of liquor, like my body drags itself to the nearest liquor store regardless of how much I don't want to be there. I feel so lonely in my struggles, I have nobody to talk to. That's not unusual or anything, I always fight through my problems alone, it's how I grew up. I have great friends, but they don't understand and have no idea what to say. They always tell me, "You'll find a way, you always do." But what happens when I can't find a way? All I do is stumble through life with vague idea of where I want to end up. All I want to do is sleep forever, but I'm so afraid to sleep. I don't mind the nightmares so much, they let me see my demons face to face and let me know what it is I'm fighting. The happy dreams are what kill me. I can't face waking up and coming into this reality knowing I have to fight so hard to try to make what I thought was real, something tangible. I really hate how lonely I've felt lately. It's been 4 years since anyone even glanced at me (And the only reason anyone glanced at me was just to make their Ex jealous before dumping me like a garbage truck into a landfill, go figure) , I feel like I'll die alone. I know love isn't a big deal, it's possible to live a full rich life without love. But I hate this feeling of being so undesirable, so unlovable, so hopeless. People tell me I'll meet the right one eventually, but that's difficult to believe when everyone I know has found someone, or has someone new days after they break up with their previous paramour. I don't even know how to love or be in a relationship anymore, and honestly I don't want to be with anyone. It's easier to not let myself be hurt like that. I care SO much when I do care that my emotions drive all logic from my mind and sends me off the deep end. I hate how my heart can seemingly destroy everything so quickly. So I don't want love, yet I feel so lonely. Why? I don't get it. I keep thinking back to my childhood lover who I haven't seen in over 15 years. A part of me wants to believe that maybe we'll meet again and it will be some fairytale, but another part of me knows it's only some lonely derangement, a simple daydream to help me escape these feelings of loneliness. I just want to stop feeling those emotions. Whether or not I find someone in the future, I want it to stop for now... As much as I want to stop drinking, I find myself seeking out harder drugs all the time. I think I'm gonna fall back into my coke habit, even though I already messed up my life pretty bad with that.Two of my dear friends died because of stupid choices I made from my addiction to coke and yet I still do it at every available opportunity. Why? What is wrong with me? Sometimes I think it all stems from my desire to just be loved, for someone to actually care that I exist. Then I realize I have great friends, my co-workers love me for being hard working and always willing to help. I'm always willing to help people. Whenever I come across anybody that needs help I never hesitate to drop what I'm doing and give assistance. People do care, and my life does make an impact. So why do I feel so hopeless? Why does it all feel meaningless? My dreams are all that keep me going. The thought that one day I'll be successful from my art. I'm a writer, rapper, rock vocalist, music writer/producer, magician, and I'm creating my own videogame. I never give up, no matter how difficult things get. I've done so well despite all that life has thrown at me, and yet I still can't stop thinking about suicide, I can't quit my addictions, and I can't escape this life of constant work with no satisfaction. I've conquered my depression, and bi-polar disorder, even learned to tame most of my absolutely insane levels of anxiety. For a while I didn't even think of suicide at all, this being from thinking of it daily. Now those thoughts return, and I don't know why. I think I'm one bad day away from doing something stupid I won't live to regret, and with all I've invested in this show, I'm scared. I couldn't face the death of my dreams. They're all I have to give me hope. I don't know if anyone will read this all, but if anyone does, thank you. I wish only the best for you in whatever you may be facing.