Trying to fight these feelings

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Syn, Oct 11, 2015.

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  1. Syn

    Syn Well-Known Member

    It's been a long time since I posted here, and I've tried to fight my suicidal thoughts on my own for so long now. I've been doing so well.

    I went from a homeless a socially inept freak with nothing but a backpack full of clothes and no hope for the future, to a good job, a nice car, an apartment, and the ability to speak to people as if I was born the most fluent socially competent speaker alive.

    I even have a concert I'll be playing at coming up on Friday. I've gone to work with no sleep, barely eating, and when I get home I work on my music for hours and hours. I've foguth so hard, and never given up. I haven't taken much time to breathe though.

    Maybe that's why I'm so stressed, but there's so much going through my mind. What if I bomb this show? Like every show I've had before? What if all my efforts were for nothing? I have a CD dropping that day, but it just sounds terrible to me. My whole life I've been fighting for this, everything I've endured, the whole reason I fought so hard was for this. I have a plan, but it's so hard to keep myself on track, I have so much work to do and so little time left.

    By the time I wake up in the morning, and drag myself out of bed (Which is a struggle all it's own) Everyone I know is still asleep, and I work until hours after they pass out. I've put so much into my ambitions, my dreams. But for what?

    I know what I want to do with my life, perform. But what if that doesn't work out? I can't take the stress of working every day in this hell of a life. My art is all that brings me solace. I know I've come a long way, and I should be proud of what I achieved. Still, it's not enough.

    I've woken up more than once, spitting and/or vomiting up blood (Fresh, and dried) And I still didn't break my stride, I kept fighting for my dreams with no regards to my own health. And I know it's my choices that perpetuate my self-destruction, but it's like I can't find an alternative (You'd think I'd just quit drinking, but that's not how the mind of an addict works I guess...)

    I know I need to stop drinking, because I can feel it killing me, but it's so damn hard when that's the only thing that brings me even a sense of happiness, even if I know it's fake. Hell, I barely feel like I'm getting intoxicated anymore, so much as just stupid and uncoordinated. I feel possessed when I run out of liquor, like my body drags itself to the nearest liquor store regardless of how much I don't want to be there.

    I feel so lonely in my struggles, I have nobody to talk to. That's not unusual or anything, I always fight through my problems alone, it's how I grew up. I have great friends, but they don't understand and have no idea what to say. They always tell me, "You'll find a way, you always do." But what happens when I can't find a way? All I do is stumble through life with vague idea of where I want to end up.

    All I want to do is sleep forever, but I'm so afraid to sleep. I don't mind the nightmares so much, they let me see my demons face to face and let me know what it is I'm fighting. The happy dreams are what kill me. I can't face waking up and coming into this reality knowing I have to fight so hard to try to make what I thought was real, something tangible.

    I really hate how lonely I've felt lately. It's been 4 years since anyone even glanced at me (And the only reason anyone glanced at me was just to make their Ex jealous before dumping me like a garbage truck into a landfill, go figure) , I feel like I'll die alone. I know love isn't a big deal, it's possible to live a full rich life without love. But I hate this feeling of being so undesirable, so unlovable, so hopeless. People tell me I'll meet the right one eventually, but that's difficult to believe when everyone I know has found someone, or has someone new days after they break up with their previous paramour.

    I don't even know how to love or be in a relationship anymore, and honestly I don't want to be with anyone. It's easier to not let myself be hurt like that. I care SO much when I do care that my emotions drive all logic from my mind and sends me off the deep end. I hate how my heart can seemingly destroy everything so quickly. So I don't want love, yet I feel so lonely. Why? I don't get it.

    I keep thinking back to my childhood lover who I haven't seen in over 15 years. A part of me wants to believe that maybe we'll meet again and it will be some fairytale, but another part of me knows it's only some lonely derangement, a simple daydream to help me escape these feelings of loneliness. I just want to stop feeling those emotions. Whether or not I find someone in the future, I want it to stop for now...

    As much as I want to stop drinking, I find myself seeking out harder drugs all the time. I think I'm gonna fall back into my coke habit, even though I already messed up my life pretty bad with that.Two of my dear friends died because of stupid choices I made from my addiction to coke and yet I still do it at every available opportunity. Why? What is wrong with me?

    Sometimes I think it all stems from my desire to just be loved, for someone to actually care that I exist. Then I realize I have great friends, my co-workers love me for being hard working and always willing to help. I'm always willing to help people. Whenever I come across anybody that needs help I never hesitate to drop what I'm doing and give assistance. People do care, and my life does make an impact. So why do I feel so hopeless? Why does it all feel meaningless?

    My dreams are all that keep me going. The thought that one day I'll be successful from my art. I'm a writer, rapper, rock vocalist, music writer/producer, magician, and I'm creating my own videogame. I never give up, no matter how difficult things get. I've done so well despite all that life has thrown at me, and yet I still can't stop thinking about suicide, I can't quit my addictions, and I can't escape this life of constant work with no satisfaction.

    I've conquered my depression, and bi-polar disorder, even learned to tame most of my absolutely insane levels of anxiety. For a while I didn't even think of suicide at all, this being from thinking of it daily. Now those thoughts return, and I don't know why. I think I'm one bad day away from doing something stupid I won't live to regret, and with all I've invested in this show, I'm scared. I couldn't face the death of my dreams. They're all I have to give me hope.

    I don't know if anyone will read this all, but if anyone does, thank you. I wish only the best for you in whatever you may be facing.
     
  2. Syn

    Syn Well-Known Member

    Sorry for the double post, but I had some after thoughts I needed to add. Getting my thoughts out cleared my head for a moment, but my thoughts have returned to the dark spiral they've been in. I think my own fear is going to ruin me. My fear of failure, of not being good enough.

    If anyone can say anything to help me, please answer this question: How do I overcome this fear? If I knew how to do that, I wouldn't have all the answers, but I could overcome the trials before me.

    I have nobody in which I need to prove myself too (Perhaps myself? How would I know?) Is my loneliness and general feelings of disconnect from the world driving me into a madness that acts as ambition, or is it my actual ambitions that drive me to a sort of madness?

    The mind is a tricky thing, I know this too well. And I know suicide will disguise itself as the only rational course of action in the mind of the afflicted when in reality there are several possible courses of action. But WHY is it happening to me now, after everything I've overcome and how strong I feel inside? Why am I having such strong suicidal impulses out of nowhere after so long?

    Am I just digging too deep into it? Am I just stressed because I've been putting so much into this show and maintain the life I've built? But WHY suicide? Why? It doesn't even make sense, I can progress and do better every single day that I'm still breathing. I can make at least one second of one day better for someone just by SMILING. That's the easiest thing I can do.

    So, why do I want to throw this all away? Why can't I consider my loved ones when I think of suicide? Why can't I even believe for a second that somebody out there will be inspired by the message my art has to give? Why don't I think a single word I say will matter to anyone? Why am I so helpless?
     
  3. solipism79

    solipism79 Member

    What you said about the good dreams killing you I can relate to that, I have been having night terrors since I was 7 years old and the nights I am lucky enough to sleep just don't feel right if I don't wake up sweating and shaking 3 or 4 times. No one gets what I am saying when I have told them this in the past, people just seem to have a few go-to lines that they come out with like "your get over it" or the one I really hate "try thinking about something else". I'm sorry if this doesn't help you but for me it is good to know that there is someone else on the planet who knows this. Good luck with the music.
     
  4. robroy

    robroy Well-Known Member

    Syn I don't know If this advice will help at all but I find that resisting any feeling, especially fear and anxiety makes it stronger. For example if I told not to think of a pink elephant you would automatically think of a pink elephant. Trying to push back against fear to me is counter productive because you can't force it away. You may get somewhere by trying to get to the roots of what's causing your fear though. In the mean time though I try to look at any negative feelings like stormy weather, I have no control over them but I know it's just passing through. I also have been trying not to see any feeling or thought, no matter how dark, as being "wrong" because the. I only end up pushing against them and giving them more power over me. My mind spirals out of control to sometimes, as do lots of people's. Please don't think there's anything wrong with you and try to accept you can't always control bad thoughts going on in your own head, you just need to let them pass. I hope some of this advice is useful to you.
     
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