I am a very methodical person. I have decided that there is no more reason to live but would like to find out if there is any reason not to end my life. I have decided to go just after the new year to see if anything changes but not counting on it. I have lost everything, most of which I never really had anyway. I wake up in tears and takes me a min of an hr to get out of bed in the morning from what goes through my head and the tears. I worked out this morning that the only morning I didn't wake up crying this year was the day a friend of mine woke me up by calling me in tears to tell me she was at an abortion clinic alone cos her boyfriend couldn't be bothered to come so I had to go support her while she had it done which is something I am against. Then I realized that it was my least painful day this year. I had a look online to see if I could find any help but the only thing that I found was people blabbing on about the ones left behind and how it will affect them. The problem is, there is nobody nothing that goes towards keeping me going. I don't want an epiphany the moment I switch the lights out. I know how it will happen and I won't post it here and I'm sure it will work without a glitch so horror stories of when people messed up don't affect me. If anything I'm numb to them and even tho I have chosen a painless way out, physical pain does not scare me. I have been weighing out the pros and cons as I do with any big decision and can't find any cons to this. I know I may sound like I'm looking for an excuse to live but I think I need a reason to live and I just can't find one.