It is very unlikely you would die from cutting as you would prob pass out <Mod edit: graphic detail> I was driving home today and there was so many opportunities to do something. I thought I would crash in to a lorry head on as that way with them being in a lorry they would not be hurt as it is the bigger of the two. I think human instinct is very stong to survive. Don't get me wrong I have tried to end it by cutting, I have taken overdoses. But when it comes to something the instinct kicks in. I am certain I will figure a way to do it soon. I need the energy and braveness. I think I will drink a lot before I do and then "fall" in to the road of a car or something so that it looks like an accident. I am looking at the moment in to herbal things that do stuff to the body that react badly with other things. Dont think that will work though. I speak to the doc and he asks me what plans are for the future and cos I have an idea of what I would like to do if everything was ok. As of this I think that he thinks that it is not bad. Surly everyone has ideas of what they would like to be or do outside of their sorrow. It is a dream in a way,dreAM that everything is ok and what would be happening to me. Maybe I need to look at it more from a psychological POV, considering that is what I study. I know on Monday I wanted to die. I tried to jump from a moving ambulance. The paramedic managed to grab on to me and then one driving stopped. I was then wrestled to the trolly and strapped on to it. As I had been drinking I wasn't able to fight back. I think they were in my flat about 30mins the police and paramedics before being taken in ambulance. They were very nice to me but I didn't wanna go. I said I wasn't going to go, but the police said I had to go with them or paramedics. I didn;t see what I had done wrong. From being arrested nearly a year ago for being drunk and disordely I knew that I would be there at least overnight. My thinking was I didnt wanna be in a cell again as they smell, everything is filmed and there is no way you can go to loo or anything as is no privacy. BEfore I went I said I needed the toilet and while I was in there I put a razor in my trousers, how the hell they knew I had but they did. I made sure they closed the door while I was in there. It is all very hazy really. But being forced to go to hospital was not nice. I had only got superficial cuts but they said I couldn't be left. I thought you could refuse medicaL treatment. So I pretended I was asleep in the ambulance so that I could get him to lose his attention from me but it didn;t work. I was then strapped to the trolley and I tried to wriggle out of it. But the guy was stronger than me. I dont want to carry on living the way in which I do at the moment. I want things to be better. I have asked for help but dont know what more I can do. I have been told to give it time, I cant give it anymore. I wish there was some pill i could take that would make everything go away and just feel happy. I don't know if it is just me that feels this way, do other people want things to be better, can they imagine things being better? I can;t see a way out but I wish I could see things and get better. I dont know if you read one of my posts after I had cut but I was worried how my bf would react. Well it was not good. He could tell something was up last night. I didn;t want him near me at all. And then he jumped on top of me (not the in the way it sounds) while I was lying on the bed watching tvon my laptop and I squirmed in pain. He had a massive go at me saying that he thought that i thought he must be disgusting as I didnt want him anywhere and he kept going on and on in the end I just said well me legs are sore. It really upset him. He said he just wants me to sort my self out... yeh well so do I! We are a very on and off couple, although we have been together 7 yrs through out this time we have been apart and together all the time, but then nothing has changed between us at all throughout this time he has just said we wernt together when we really were causng me loads of confusion. So then last night he said wasn;t I happy now that we were back together... it made me so angry as not everything revolves aroung him! I am having a bit of a rant tonight. I am trying to distract my self from that last razor in the bathroom! The wedding isnt until Sat so I can buy new ones tomorrow as being as though he hasnt seen the cuts he wont know it has happened a 2nd time. So tonight I think i will, not to die but to release frustration! I am going to set a date! 15th March 2008. If things are no better that is the night!!!!