Well a few things have become painfully clear... going to elementary school with the reincarnation of hitler turning everyone against me, followed by falling into a cult in my early adult life... the two things have destroyed my coping skills. I can't deal with rejection... This has crippled me. I can't look for a job because I know they are going to ask for expierence when I have none... Not a fucking thing I have done in my adult life is transferable to any entry level job... and health issues keep me out of the typical entry level jobs. I am trying to find reasons to keep trying... but it is fucking pointless... The only two things I life I have to look forward two are a trip to visit my family and the start of football season... but the latter tends to end in dissapointment because my team finds a way to suck every fucking year no matter how blessed the men on the team are with tallent... IDK if that is enough. I probably will make it until the trip starts... but after that I see no reason to fight a loseing battle anymore. I was genetically damned to fail... I am not good at anything and I can only think of 2 things in life that were not failures... I am trying to fight on... but my love for family is overshadowed by anger at their blindness to the truth... The visit to see the other side of the fmaily... one last time is keeping me going but... IDK everytime i think of that trip I am thinking of a finality.... a one more thing before I die trip.... as afterword there will be nothing to live for.