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Trying to Get Rid of It?

Nick

☆☆Ducking Fantastic ☆☆
Staff member
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#1
I thought of this while replying to someone else's thread, and instead of going into it to much there I thought I'd just start my own. I realized awhile back that I was spending a lot of energy trying to get rid of suicidal ideation. I had this idea that somehow if I couldn't get rid of it I wasn't enough, I wasn't human enough, I wasn't well enough. It took me awhile, but I came to the realization those thoughts might never go away completely. How is degrading myself and pouring so much into getting rid of them going to help me in the long run? I started trying to learn how to live with them. How do I cope with passive suicidal thoughts? How do I cope in those moments when they are becoming less passive? How can I live? How can I reclaim moments of happiness in the midst of this? I wonder sometimes if we focus too much on the ultimate forever cure.
 
#2
Having lived with these thoughts for what feels like forever I don’t know if they will ever be truly gone. I know I can’t imagine not thinking this, feeling this way. I’d like to know if there is anyone out there who has been like this, lived with these thoughts but is now actually able to go a whole day without thinking about it, without wishing it would happen. I can’t even imagine a day like that.
 

cymbele

SF Supporter
#3
I got through like Nick, passively listening. They are mostly gone but my circumstances have changed. One time I got frustrated and tried banishing them "in the name of Jesus Christ!." Believe it or not, the thoughts receded but were not gone. But mostly, instead of focusing one them I let them be and didn't pay them any attention. As I said they are mostly gone now but I am in a better frame of mind. I have a method; I got rid of the means. That was a huge step since I don't have access to them readily and I am better to fight them.
 

Nick

☆☆Ducking Fantastic ☆☆
Staff member
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#4
I do now manage to go whole days without them. A whole week? No. For more than 25 years it was a constant thing, and finally there are at least small gaps without them. I do think a lot of that is due to the fact that I stopped trying to cure it, which stopped making the suicidal thoughts the focus of my attention. Now most of the time they are background noise. There are days they become far more than that, and then I need to be more aware of what I am doing.
 

Nick

☆☆Ducking Fantastic ☆☆
Staff member
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#5
I got through like Nick, passively listening. They are mostly gone but my circumstances have changed. One time I got frustrated and tried banishing them "in the name of Jesus Christ!." Believe it or not, the thoughts receded but were not gone. But mostly, instead of focusing one them I let them be and didn't pay them any attention. As I said they are mostly gone now but I am in a better frame of mind. I have a method; I got rid of the means. That was a huge step since I don't have access to them readily and I am better to fight them.
I'm glad you were able to that. I get the mostly gone. Congrats on getting rid of the means, that's a big step.
 

Sunspots

★☆ Comfortably Sunny☆★
Staff member
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#6
I think I have a similar dilemma. These thoughts have been such a constant for so long. When I was actively suicidal I would spend all my time focusing on them, developing them into a possible plan. I loved thinking about them, they gave me hope.
But as I've got better and am no longer suicidal those thoughts haven't gone away. I always thought they would. I don't know why they haven't gone, maybe I'm not as well as I think I am or maybe they've become a habit. I'm not sure they'll ever go.
A therapist once told me it's not about a cure but learning to walk alongside it. I hated that at the time. I didn't want to learn to cope with it, I wanted it gone. But if we learn to cope with it, we take away its power over us. They're just thoughts, we don't have to act on them.

My CPN and I used to practice a visualisation technique. Normally I poo poo such fluffy stuff but for some reason it stuck. I imagine those thoughts being encompassed by a translucent bubble - I can still see them but they're blurred and eventually just float away. Sounds stupid written down but it works for me.
 

Dani24

Well-Known Member
#7
I think of suicide thoughts daily. I wish my brain had switch off, so I would not have to think so much. Do you think everybody has these bad thoughts? I don’t how to stop Or change. You cannot heal me I am not a healer. You can’t save me or hide me. It’s not about escaping the tornado, it’s about survicing in middle of it. My life is like a circle. Every time I think I come close to recovery. I’m back where I started. It’s like a whirl of storms, lightning, heavy rain and thunder with tornados set out to destroy me. We are stars, born of fire and wins, born into chaos...
You see what I do, but don’t understand why.
 

Nick

☆☆Ducking Fantastic ☆☆
Staff member
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#8
Do you think everybody has these bad thoughts?
I don't then everybody has these thoughts. I know people who have never had a suicidal thought ever. I know people who once had them, but don't anymore. Then there are people like myself that live with them on a regular basis. It's different for people.

I don’t how to stop Or change. You cannot heal me I am not a healer. You can’t save me or hide me. It’s not about escaping the tornado, it’s about survicing in middle of it. My life is like a circle. Every time I think I come close to recovery. I’m back where I started. It’s like a whirl of storms, lightning, heavy rain and thunder with tornados set out to destroy me. We are stars, born of fire and wins, born into chaos...
That's sort of what I'm saying. For some people the focus is so much on trying to get rid of the thoughts and change the thoughts, that it actually makes it worse. It's more about reaching a point of more stability than recovery. That striving for perfection is frustrating and ultimately you feel lower when the feelings are still there because it feels like a failure. It's not a failure though. The thoughts and feelings aren't a failure. It's about learning to walk through the storm. Even when it scares the living shit out of you, and shakes your core. Even those who never had a suicidal thought in their mind have storms to walk through. Our storms are just different.
 

neutralbuoyancy

stuck in place yet again
#9
honestly nick, i have askrd a few of those questions myself, to be honest i do not know about the solution to others' depression but i always knew of mine. the foundation of my depression was built up on regrets, things i didn't do or did wrong and issues that happened cuz of me that i regretted, but really it killed me to keep it inside. i felt like a locked box that was so stuffed that it was going to break. so one day i let it all out to a friend then slowly i started to open up a bit more gradually with time to my family and change things little by little and slowly the feeling went away. this is absolutely NOT a cure it's just a temporary solution. i cannot say depression or suicide will permanently go away cuz it will not, its just way of life to have emotions and these kind of negative ones always have a trigger that won't stop showing up. so what I'm saying is if you want to get away from this nagging feeling, try to understand the base of it. like we all know why we are depressed so it is always a bit more easier to find the how to get away from it based on the 'why'
 

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