Trying to get the courage...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Deckard, Nov 13, 2014.

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  1. Deckard

    Deckard New Member

    Right now I feel like I haven't got the strength to keep going on and I don't know who to talk to...

    I'm a Spanish 24-years-old guy who has recently got his MsC in Industrial Engineering and is about to get a MsC in Electronical Engineering (the only part being left is my thesis). The funny part of all of this is that I decided to study both of them at the same time for everybody kept telling me that in such a way I would be able to find a good job in no time. Well, I've done a handful of interviews and the result is always the same: the job is either poorly paid and requires a lot of hours or I don't get called back whatsoever. This is really hurting my self-esteem. If it had been for me, I would only have studied the Electronics MsC, but my parents insisted on me studying both (here, in Spain Industrial Engineering is really well-considered).I accepted to do so, even if it meant that these 3 last years of my life have been really miserable. I´ve been working hard for something I didn't really like or care. The pain this situation was causing me made me try to commit a suicide attempt about two months ago. I was so devastated that I decided that I was gonna jump into the river that crosses my city. Because I didn't have the courage to do so I started to drink heavily one Monday afternoon. I thought that in that way I would be able to do so. The result was, that I ended in the Hospital with an alcohol poisoning. Without any doubt it was one of the worst moments in my life and made me feel like scum and totally embarrased.

    After this episode I happened to meet a charming guy (yes, I'm gay) and suddenly everything seemed to run smoothly. He's a exchange student, spending one year in mi city. We got on really well from the very beginning and he kept telling me how much he liked and how important I was becoming for him. He was far from his family and friends and said that for him, meeting me had been a great relief. He even asked me, never to leave him. I never told him anything about my problems and just let the things go at their own pace. Well, all of a sudden he stopped to send me messages or answer mine. I knew something was fishy, so I asked him about it. He told me he liked me very much but didn't want anyhting serious with me. That same day he started to upload photos with another guy from my city. We talked a little bit more, he kept saying he wanted to see me again but he always found excuses never to do so. He finally has disappeared from my life...

    This is really devastating, all my life my romantic relationships have been a mess (this last one being the most hurtful) and I seem to have no prospect of finding a good job. Furthermore, I'v been trying to talk with my parents during these last years to try and get some professional help for my issues but they just won't help me finding it. All they say is that I hate them and I act like if I was depressed to hurt them and that makes me feel even worse. I have friends with whom I hang out but there really isn't a deep connection. My best friend is working abroad and I don't wanna make her worry with my stuff so I feel more or less quite lonely...

    This afternoon,I've taken the decission. If I can't find happiness, I don't wanna live at all. I've writen down two notes. One for my parents, explaining everything I feel and why I'm doing it and the other one for my best friend, apologizing for not saying goodbye properly. Somehow, It felt like a great relief when I wrote down my farewell to them. Now, that I no longer feel the pressure of living an unhappy existence I'm concentrated on finding the way and moment to put an end to my misery.
     
  2. Ljt

    Ljt Well-Known Member

    Hi deckard. I feel sorry for you after reading through your post.

    I am sorry to hear about how your relationship ended however don't be to hard on yourself. It might feel hurtful just now but give it time and you will heal.

    You said you felt like a great relief when you wrote your letters. Maybe that's what you need to do to get things off your chest. Especially if you have no close friends to chat to.

    Keep your head up and you will find freind here.
     
  3. Sioni

    Sioni Member

    I know what its like to feel hopless but please just hang on in there. Have a think and dont do anything hasty. There are people who are happy to talk. If theres anything i can do please talk
     
  4. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum, you are important and do not think about doing anything. YOU ARE NOT WORTHLESS and keep remembering that. Life is important and so are you. Do not worry know and keep posting for support and care. You parents would truly miss you.
     
  5. Jasp

    Jasp Active Member

    Dear Deckard,

    Thank you for your honest post. To be honest, I recognized a lot in your message, I'm from Europe too (The Netherlands), about the same age, master of laws, had almost been a master in business administration to be sure of a good career, not so easy relationship with my parents, is going better now that I've been going through hell, they've grown more acceptant and caring after all, happened to meet a charming guy too (I'm also gay) and thinks looked really positive for me, until I had an accident which left me severely suicidal and 100% sure of ending my life. There was no way I wanted to carry on the suffering fate hat brought me. However, I managed to find a way through so far, and I'm surviving one day at another. I think there are still lots of possibilties in your situation too. Have you thought of working abroad too? As far as I know, people with two university degrees can get almost any job they want in The Netherlands, as long as the rest of their profile and personality are okay too. Anyways, I hope you find your way through and know that ending your life is never a solution.
     
  6. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    Deckard, You have a lot going for you, Yeah, I know, who am I to tell you how fortunate you are. I am just another person who has been there. Hell, as a matter of fact I am still there now.
    You have not even finished obtaining your credentials yet. How were you doing before you met this other person? Were You living without him? If you were, than you can do it again. Your degrees they will still be good. even better when you finish your Thesis. Your age is another Plus, you are young. You have just begun to live.

    I am sorry your family isn't supportive, but there are people here that can and will offer you help comfort and support. They have people in here that can give you information, they will help you to feel better about yourself and your problems. People here will help you see that it is not the end of the world. You did come to the right place Just ask, in the meantime look around the site, relax if you can. Take a deep breath and get ready to go out into the World. h yeah you may want to send applications to this country as well as others, widen your view as well as your opportunities.

    BTW, I Have been to Spain, I was in Barcelona back in the late 60's Franco was Still in Power then, I have marks on my shins where the Civil Guard used them for Practice, I can still feel the marks.
     
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