Trying to hold on

[Marie72]

I don't know how much longer I can keep trying to just survive. I have been treated for PTSD symptoms, anorexia and depression for 15 years now but the depression just won't let go. I am sinking down to a point where I have little control over my actions and I might not be able to stop myself from attempting suicide. It's been 13 years since my last attempt and even though I have thought about suicide as an option a few times since then, I have been able to put the idea on hold and give things a chance to improve. Well, I have been in this mode for at least 6 months now and I don't know how much longer I can stall. I thought I would be feeling a little better by now but I continue to get worse.

I have 2 teenage sons who really don't need me to take care of them much anymore but we are close...they are my only reason to fight. I don't think my husband would care if I died as long as he got my life insurance money. I have been avoiding my psych for the past month because I don't have the energy to deal with this anymore. Now I just found out that my insurance denied my med refill so what little help I got from it to just get out of bed and go to work each day is gone. Just another sign that I am worthless.

 

[Insignificant]

i so don't think you are worthless. that's commendable that it's been 13 years sinse your last attempt. it's been a hard 20 for me. two things here: i would like to encourage you to hang on if for nothing else but your sons sake. think of what that could do to them. wow it would be so hard on them. secondly, i would like to encourage you to keep fighting don't give up. i have been working damn hard for 15 yrs to ease the depression, ptsd, and borderline. it's hasn't gone away although heaven as my witness i would love for them to, but things have managed to finally become a little easier. most of the time i find myself in the spot that i'm doing ok. sometimes i find things more challenging, but i try to keep in mind that they aren't going to last. maybe you could look into electric shock treatments. that's what i do now and they have really helped improve things when meds couldn't. maybe look into it and see if it would be possible anyways.
overall, i just want to encourage you to hang on and not give up. things can change and will with time. please take care and please please stay safe.

btw :welcome: to sf

 

[Marie72]

Insignificant, thanks so much for responding and reminding me that I am not alone in this fight. That really helps. I did 6 ECT treatments a couple of years ago but again, insurance fought it and limited the amount. I feel like I am running out of options; I can't fight for myself and if I don't do it, nobody will. I want to surrender now.

 

[Insignificant]

i have to go for now, but i will most definately be back tomorrow. maybe look into the ect's again after all if it's been a couple years maybe something might work out. it's worth a shot anyways. please totally feel free to pm me to. i will do my best to send my support your way. instinct tells me you're a pretty tough lady (no arguin' that) and i'm totally bettin' you are. i'm definately thinkin' you can make. the point is you need to. i hope you can work on this. you are totally worth it. please take care and stay safe. i hope we can maybe get a chance to talk tomorrow that would be cool. see ya later

 

[Marie72]

I just don't have the energy to keep trying anymore and my reasons to live are diminishing quickly. I don't think that my death would cause long term pain to my sons; one is in college and the other one only needs me when he wants a ride or money for something. Anybody could provide that. The relatives who "adopted" me as their daughter many years ago now hate me too. They must see me for what I really am...trash.

I have decided to do it but I am so scared that I will fail again; I don't want to end up handicapped and a burden to anybody. I know that an OD will probably only result in another coma with a possibility that when I wake up, I might not be fortunate enough to be functional. I don't know if I can purchase a gun since I have been hospitilized for depression (and suicide attempts all those years ago)...can I and how? I don't see what other choices I have at this point...I can't continue to live like this and I don't think that continuing therapy is going to help.