Trying to hold on

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by SeoulSister, Nov 20, 2009.

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  1. SeoulSister

    SeoulSister New Member

    I'm new to this forum and a little scared to post for the first time. I really hope this helps. In the last few weeks I have been close to taking my life a number of times. Tonight I feel like I can't cope any more.

    Briefly, this is my story. I am currently living and working thousands of miles away from my home. I have booked my plane ticket to come home in three weeks time, 8 months early, because I have become depressed again. When I arrived here I started feeling ill and tired almost immediately, but I put this down to food (I have Coeliacs Disease, so if I eat the wrong foods, I get pretty sick), but this soon became more than just physical illness. I am lonely, tired, isolated and sick of it. I haven't felt this way in over a year, and I really thought I was past this horrible illness, but clearly I was wrong.

    I have met a few people since being here, but I feel as though I'm screaming and crying and noone can hear me. I'd much rather be on my own in my room than go out with people, even if they invite me. Like tonight, for example, I turned down my workmates in favour of sitting at home in front of the TV. I just don't have the courage to sit out all night, not drinking, trying to keep up the pretence of being happy and have people telling me to "cheer up" every five minutes.

    I feel like I can't cope any longer, even though I know I'm going to be flying home in a matter of weeks. My family don't know that I have ever felt/feel like this, and I don't plan on telling them anytime soon, but I emailed a friend last Sunday when I was feeling my worst (I can't phone anyone because I'm abroad, and I can't go to the doctor because a. I can't speak the language and b. I don't think they'd understand what my problem was even if they could understand), so I know I have someone to talk to once I'm home.

    I just don't know if I can hold out until then. Will I feel any better once I'm home? Is there even any point trying to hold on for another three weeks? It doesn't feel like it at the moment. I feel so empty.

    I truly appreciate the time you've taken reading this.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hey try if you can to hold on Family lots of familar faces will help just feeling grounded somewhere. I think once you are at home maybe make appointment with GP to see if you can get anything for your depression and maybe some therapy even. Try okay until then come here and talk lots of supportive people here that can relate. take care
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