trying to hold the lines

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by nmarques, Oct 20, 2009.

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  1. nmarques

    nmarques Member

    Dear all,

    I don't know how to say this, but since October 2007 that I feel like I'm swinging around. Back then, my girlfriend lefted me under the pretext that she needed to "experience new things". I found out that she was living a second life on my back related to BDSM/Bondage. She completely hided this from me. I was unemployed at the time, because for some time she demanded more time, so I've lefted my work and went to take my Majors. She dropped me 2 weeks after I started working for my Majors, under the pretext above and claiming that I now had something to look after. That truly devastated me. About one month later, she wanted to spend a weekend with me in my beach house to "celebrate" the anniversary when we started dating. And so we did, as it became a beacon of hope in my life again. She started living a double life, spending time in the city where she lived during the week, and sleeping with another man, and spending the weekends with me. Once I found out, I was dragged down completely.
    This very same girl, was nearly victimized (sexual assault) by friends of the man she was trying to get a case with. He was dating another 2 more girls at the same time, something that threw her down. She stopped attending classes and started living only her night life and grabbing refuge on alcohol and light drugs.
    As the school ended and summer started, she looked over for me and we went out for a drink a couple of times. At the time, I approached and told her I was emotionally devastated by all the story and that I wanted never to speak to her and try to continue my life. She said she wanted to come back, and so she did. I accepted it. Within some months classes started over again, and she had to study in Madrid for 6 months. And she went there. In Madrid she started hitting on the drugs again, living only a night life and skipping classes for months. I got really fed up and told her she would loose me to another woman that might show up if she continued like that. She rallied back to our country to speak with me, and we spended probably our best weekend. She went back and she grabbed another dude leaving me in the dust. I stopped talking to her, but months later she would return again. During all this time, I couldnt focus enough, my majors went downhill and I eventually lost my job because I just couldnt focus. As the time went by, I went down.

    Nowadays, she is still present in my life as a "friend". I'm still unemployed, my parents are shelling me everyday, I'm throwing away my majors and I can't sleep, can't eat and suicide is on my mind for months. I've planned my own death, sent out some goodbye letters, but couldnt actually do it because at the last moment I just realized that my parents shouldn't bury another son.
    My parents are spending a lot of money in my majors, in nearly 2 years I haven't done nothing usefull, and I've lost everything. I dont have a single thing strong enough to keep going... I'm crying nearly every minute I am alone, or at least with tears on my eyes. Without money, I spend of my day at home, bored with everything, being shelled by my family, being reminded on how unusefull I am, about all the crap I've done in my life...

    I am getting scared. First time suicide came across my mind, I laughed about it, but it became stronger with time, and every time I feel alone and beated up, it just pops. In the beginning I didnt wanted to die, but now, day after day, I just stopped caring. It doesnt matter anymore, I just feel I am a burden to my family, a failure in nearly everything and just like Kurt Cobain said, "I hate myself and I want to die".

    I do not know why I am writting this, but I do know that I dont have any more strength left to carry on. Everday I wake up at 9AM but I can't get to sleep before 6/7 AM. I'm sleeping 2 or 3 hours a day for weeks. I'm having one meal everyday and I feel hungry but I can't eat. In the past I was on Xanax, Remeron and other meds/pills. Nothing of that worked out. The only thing that actually helped me sleep was haxixe polen, unfortunatly it's illegal here and I'm out of money. I just can't find motivation to do anything except feeling sorry for myself.

    I dont know what to do anymore, and even if I knew, I feel too tired and unmotivated for whatever comes up.

    Anyone help plz..
     
  2. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you posted here. It's a good start to getting you through this. Are you in regular therapy?

    :hug:
     
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I'm glad you posted here. It's a good way to get things out and to talk to people who care and understand.

    I'm sorry that girl treated you so badly. You didn't deserve to be hurt that way.
     
  4. nmarques

    nmarques Member

    No. I've only taken pills, anti-depressives and others to stimulate my brain activity. I dont know the exact therms in english, but I've been at least on this ones:

    - Xanax XL
    - Remeron / Mirtazapine
    - Triticum
    - Sertraline

    And some others that I really dont know. I've entered in some kinda of complex where I really feel like not speaking to my parents. I mean I nearly bullshited everyone about everything, my majors, jobs, etc etc. I feel ashamed of telling others how bad I am, and I cant explain how I ended up like this. Therapy is something my governament finds that people should pay for it, and I add that to the other expenses I'm currently doing, thats just way to much. I wanna stop my majors and save my parents some money, cause one way or another I am gonna fail, but I dont have the courage to tell them. I even took my gun and gave it to my father in the past to throw away so I couldnt do anything stupid. The most fun part on all of this, is that a guy sees his girl betraying him hard, and I can't still hate her, and all my suffering is only amplified by the simple fact that her life is also going down. During this two years I've interfered in her life, either to run after those who tried to sexually assault her, I've beated up one guy that hitted her... I've seen her return from madrid with Anorexia diagnosed, and I'm seeing her taking 10 times more drugs than ever. I really dont give a shit about my life, really, what hurts me more is that I cant save her anymore, and this stuff is turning me upside down.

    I should get help from school, since it's full of psychologists. But the truth is, I turned my back to all of those who wanted the best for me while trying to get her out of trouble and now I'm completly down. I wish everytime that I was the one to die at birth, and not my fallen brother. I dont really what is happening to me anymore.

    Sometimes I feel I have something inside of my chest, and it hurts so much, looks so real and solid that I feel like taking a knife, open my chest and take it out.
     
  5. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    Opening up to someone, or a support group, or even here will help you sort this out. Keeping it inside is very hard on a person.

    :hug:
     
  6. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I know it hurts so much to watch someone you care about get hurt and not be able to save them. But you can only do so much. You need to take care of yourself, just like this girl needs to learn to take care of herself. You're important too, and you deserve help.

    I know you're really down, but I think seeing a psychologist at your school would be a good idea. Your life is worth so much, and you deserve to feel better.

    Please keep talking here. Don't keep everything all bottled up inside because it will only hurt more.
     
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