Dear all, I don't know how to say this, but since October 2007 that I feel like I'm swinging around. Back then, my girlfriend lefted me under the pretext that she needed to "experience new things". I found out that she was living a second life on my back related to BDSM/Bondage. She completely hided this from me. I was unemployed at the time, because for some time she demanded more time, so I've lefted my work and went to take my Majors. She dropped me 2 weeks after I started working for my Majors, under the pretext above and claiming that I now had something to look after. That truly devastated me. About one month later, she wanted to spend a weekend with me in my beach house to "celebrate" the anniversary when we started dating. And so we did, as it became a beacon of hope in my life again. She started living a double life, spending time in the city where she lived during the week, and sleeping with another man, and spending the weekends with me. Once I found out, I was dragged down completely. This very same girl, was nearly victimized (sexual assault) by friends of the man she was trying to get a case with. He was dating another 2 more girls at the same time, something that threw her down. She stopped attending classes and started living only her night life and grabbing refuge on alcohol and light drugs. As the school ended and summer started, she looked over for me and we went out for a drink a couple of times. At the time, I approached and told her I was emotionally devastated by all the story and that I wanted never to speak to her and try to continue my life. She said she wanted to come back, and so she did. I accepted it. Within some months classes started over again, and she had to study in Madrid for 6 months. And she went there. In Madrid she started hitting on the drugs again, living only a night life and skipping classes for months. I got really fed up and told her she would loose me to another woman that might show up if she continued like that. She rallied back to our country to speak with me, and we spended probably our best weekend. She went back and she grabbed another dude leaving me in the dust. I stopped talking to her, but months later she would return again. During all this time, I couldnt focus enough, my majors went downhill and I eventually lost my job because I just couldnt focus. As the time went by, I went down. Nowadays, she is still present in my life as a "friend". I'm still unemployed, my parents are shelling me everyday, I'm throwing away my majors and I can't sleep, can't eat and suicide is on my mind for months. I've planned my own death, sent out some goodbye letters, but couldnt actually do it because at the last moment I just realized that my parents shouldn't bury another son. My parents are spending a lot of money in my majors, in nearly 2 years I haven't done nothing usefull, and I've lost everything. I dont have a single thing strong enough to keep going... I'm crying nearly every minute I am alone, or at least with tears on my eyes. Without money, I spend of my day at home, bored with everything, being shelled by my family, being reminded on how unusefull I am, about all the crap I've done in my life... I am getting scared. First time suicide came across my mind, I laughed about it, but it became stronger with time, and every time I feel alone and beated up, it just pops. In the beginning I didnt wanted to die, but now, day after day, I just stopped caring. It doesnt matter anymore, I just feel I am a burden to my family, a failure in nearly everything and just like Kurt Cobain said, "I hate myself and I want to die". I do not know why I am writting this, but I do know that I dont have any more strength left to carry on. Everday I wake up at 9AM but I can't get to sleep before 6/7 AM. I'm sleeping 2 or 3 hours a day for weeks. I'm having one meal everyday and I feel hungry but I can't eat. In the past I was on Xanax, Remeron and other meds/pills. Nothing of that worked out. The only thing that actually helped me sleep was haxixe polen, unfortunatly it's illegal here and I'm out of money. I just can't find motivation to do anything except feeling sorry for myself. I dont know what to do anymore, and even if I knew, I feel too tired and unmotivated for whatever comes up. Anyone help plz..