I crave love. I crave affection. I crave attention from the opposite sex. I have figured out who I am as a person and why I think I'm such a whore. I will fuck any guy that shows some kind of interest, even if it's not relationship wise. I will meet someone new and if there's potential to possibly get some affection even if it's just sexual I will throw myself at the guy. I don't fuck for love, though I crave it. I don't make love, I just lay there and let the feeling rush over me. I know this makes me a whore. I am not okay with that, but I can't control it. I don't know if I'm addicted to sex. I don't think I am. I haven't felt overly loved, ever. I haven't felt desired, ever. I have always felt like I was just an object. That's not to say I don't deserve to feel loved and desired. I think I do, but I'm stuck with the feeling that I'm worth nothing because of my past. Being raped did not help my situation. Before that time I was innocence wrapped up nicely. Having never even kissed a boy I fell hard into the arms of someone who just maliciously stole from me. Now today, ten years later, though I should move on I can't. I have fallen into one meaningless "relationship" after another. They aren't long term things. They are just call me when you want to fuck me things. I was never one for someone to love. Why love such an unforgiving, easy person? Why love someone who has no self worth whatsoever? I've realized the past few weeks that I will most likely never change. I try to stand my ground and say I will not give in and I will not give up my body just to feel wanted. I know deep down inside that when I do these things I'm just a piece of ass to the guy. I know that I am selling myself short. Why can't I stop then? If I realize all these horrible things about myself, why can't I change them? I can't change because I still feel attached to the want, to the need, to the having to feel something. I feel so dead inside. I feel so unwanted and so unloved. I feel like I'm a poison. Can't touch the poison girl unless she needs to be fucked. Otherwise she's useless. I have no one in my life that is around me that I can call a friend. I have no one in my life that lives close by that I could call to just talk to or go hang out wiht. I don't have any friends. I have Dylan and he's 8. My life is in ruins because of me being such an utter and complete whore. I know people will sit here and say it's only natural for a female to enjoy sex. It's beyond that. It's not about enjoyment anymore. It's about doing it just to be near someone. Dropping to my knees to prove that I"m good at something and worth something. Even if it is just a dick. Gah I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.