So, I just feel like I wanna get some stuff out. Haven't been online much, trying to 'live' I basically keep panicking because I need a job or to be on a course or doing something real and its freaking me out that time is just flying by. I do bits and pieces here and there but its not enough. Like the other weekend I did a course, I started crying in the middle of it, I don't really know why, I just suddenly felt completely overwhelmed with a feeling of dispair, my heart was racing and the tears just started coming. My friend noticed but no-one else, went out for a couple minutes to breathe and calm myself. Donno what it was though. I also volunteer and help out on lots of conservation/ecology things, which I love but again its not enough. My days are unstructured, these activities are on random days where I just get told about something and I grab a lift or cycle there and do whatever it is, but days where I don't have that; I tend to sleep in, watch tv, play video games etc. No structure. I'm trying to keep myself going out places and doing things, which I am and I do manage to enjoy things, have some fun. Which is good. I'm not going to deny that I have improved so much from where I was but this step right here that I'm at is one of the reasons I ended up in that place in the first place. That and my body image problems. So it's really scary and I'm not really sure wht i'm doing. Theres a list of things I have to get done with the lack of structure and general depression I lack the motivation. I need to do this for myself and for the ones I care about, I don't know why its so hard. It's scary so perhaps thats the reason, also I know being depressed causes motivation problems so there that. You know a year from now I want to be well into particular course, I won't say here what course, I don't want to do specific details, but I want to be doing it. That's great, like I actually want this, I'm thinking something else other than 'I want to be dead' But how to get there? how do I push on with the steps I need to make? How do I prevent the 'I wnat to die' thoughts from getting in the way because they are most definately still there. How do I get the motivation I need? One step I am making with this is staying away from chat for a while longer, it's addictive and its prevents me from doing things so I need that time. I may pop in sometime but not yet and when I do I really think it needs to be a one off thing not day after day, not hours on end. I really miss alot of people but I gotta do this, I gotta try and get better and not just exist. This place I hope will always be around, it's really good to know there's somewhere I can go when I need to talk about things I just can't talk about otherwise. And theres people here who are awesome, I don't want to lose that. I'm so tired of feeling crap, and tired of being afraid. I just want to get on with life but be happy doing that. Gonna go do one of those things on my list: phone my doctor. sorry for the essay.