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trying to live

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So, I just feel like I wanna get some stuff out.

Haven't been online much, trying to 'live' I basically keep panicking because I need a job or to be on a course or doing something real and its freaking me out that time is just flying by.

I do bits and pieces here and there but its not enough. Like the other weekend I did a course, I started crying in the middle of it, I don't really know why, I just suddenly felt completely overwhelmed with a feeling of dispair, my heart was racing and the tears just started coming. My friend noticed but no-one else, went out for a couple minutes to breathe and calm myself. Donno what it was though.

I also volunteer and help out on lots of conservation/ecology things, which I love but again its not enough. My days are unstructured, these activities are on random days where I just get told about something and I grab a lift or cycle there and do whatever it is, but days where I don't have that; I tend to sleep in, watch tv, play video games etc. No structure. I'm trying to keep myself going out places and doing things, which I am and I do manage to enjoy things, have some fun. Which is good. I'm not going to deny that I have improved so much from where I was but this step right here that I'm at is one of the reasons I ended up in that place in the first place. That and my body image problems. So it's really scary and I'm not really sure wht i'm doing.

Theres a list of things I have to get done with the lack of structure and general depression I lack the motivation. I need to do this for myself and for the ones I care about, I don't know why its so hard. It's scary so perhaps thats the reason, also I know being depressed causes motivation problems so there that.

You know a year from now I want to be well into particular course, I won't say here what course, I don't want to do specific details, but I want to be doing it. That's great, like I actually want this, I'm thinking something else other than 'I want to be dead' But how to get there? how do I push on with the steps I need to make? How do I prevent the 'I wnat to die' thoughts from getting in the way because they are most definately still there. How do I get the motivation I need?

One step I am making with this is staying away from chat for a while longer, it's addictive and its prevents me from doing things so I need that time. I may pop in sometime but not yet and when I do I really think it needs to be a one off thing not day after day, not hours on end. I really miss alot of people but I gotta do this, I gotta try and get better and not just exist.

This place I hope will always be around, it's really good to know there's somewhere I can go when I need to talk about things I just can't talk about otherwise. And theres people here who are awesome, I don't want to lose that.

I'm so tired of feeling crap, and tired of being afraid. I just want to get on with life but be happy doing that. Gonna go do one of those things on my list: phone my doctor.

sorry for the essay.

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
Don't be sorry hun glad you can type it all out I hope you do that one thing on your list soon get a hold of your doctor okay hugs


Fiber Artist
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
Hannah :hug:

I do so understand about the motivation and structure problems. We talked about that earlier this week I think.

Just wanted to say that I love you lots and really appreciate you. You are such a wonderful person to know.

Take care, call your doctor, and as always you know how to contact me, and I would love to talk at any time.


It'll happen. I know it all can be overwhelming and become so frustrating, but you are being a little tough on yourself too.

You are looking forward, knowing what you want to do, thats great. You are doing things now too, good for you. Appreciate yourself for what you are doing now, don't dismiss it.

Take care.
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