Trying to make a decision

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Deleted SKU, Jun 24, 2010.

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  1. Deleted SKU

    Deleted SKU Well-Known Member

    The difficulty with life, and especially the ending of it, is the difficulty in making that decision. From what i've seen there are usually two reasons for this, the first, a short term strength of emotion, driving someone to an act they may or may not regret later on. The second is a general wearing down in the desire to live, by constant let downs in life. Whether these emotions are anger, despair, from being betrayed, or just being sad, its apparent that the first is certainly a good thing to try to prevent, and support works and has value. But for the second, I am struggling to see any way out.

    There is always the slim possibility of a seismic change in someones life, a drastic turnaround that would put a totally different perspective on things overnight. It certainly wouldn't solve things in those dealing with the pain for so long, but it would make a solution possible. But i find myself right now in a position where the situation of my life makes it impossible for something like this to occur.

    My own difficulty is that i recognise all this, but i cannot objectively see any reason that, in my own case, life should continue. From a religious or spiritual point of view, there is the argument that life is sacred, a thing that should not be taken away voluntarily, but without those leanings, my mind is coming to the conclusion that suicide is the only solution.

    The problems i have, i could go on about for days as to their origin, their meaning, and how they make me feel. But as the issue is in who i am now, rather than who i was back then. It is the present, not the past, which makes me feel this way, and after trying many times to change my life, my perspective, to try solutions, i find that i am all out of ideas. Which is both a good and a bad thing i guess, good because i will try whatever needs to be tried to get through this. But bad, because the list of things i have tried to make things better is exhaustive, the only one of which i haven't tried is any serious form of medication, as chemically altering my state of mind seems to me as deceiving myself somehow.

    I have a lot of difficulty talking to people, and moreso talking like this than usual due to negative experiences previously, which is why i guess this sounds so cold and emotionless. My mind can invariably keep my emotions in check, so it's resolving the situation in my mind, rather than emotions, which is going to decide whether or not i can continue living. It tends to be my emotions which drive me to self harm, but my mind which drives me to suicide. Or at least, i would like to think that way, there certainly is crossover between the two, but the point stands.

    I tried e-mailing the samaritans recently, for someone to talk to, but i found the experience painful. Mostly, while as i certainly recognise their intention to help, i felt like they were just working off a checklist as to my reply. Generic platitude, followed by copying out bits of what i had written to them and pretty much sticking a question mark on the end of them, followed by another generic platitude, which were nearly identical each time they replied.

    I guess that is why i have come back here. I hope there's something i've missed.
  2. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    Hello. I am glad you have come back. There is a reason you are alive. You just have not found it yet. I too used to feel as you do, but there is hope! Don't give up. Please help me understand what the problem is. I will try to help. You can trust you will have a friend in me. Blessings..
  3. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi Rathis. Sorry to hear that you're going through such a difficult time in your life right now. Your writing style seems philosophical to me, in that you question your reasons for continuing to live when it seems like there is no reason to continue. You mention that life is a sacred gift from a religious or spiritual perspective, but the truth is that life is a sacred gift whether you're a religious person or not. The gift of life is a precious gift that shouldn't be rejected by suicide. For many people in the world, the gift of life is taken away from them by outside forces like wars or famine. Why do feel that suicide is the only solution to your problems?
  4. Deleted SKU

    Deleted SKU Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your replies.

    To try and expand a bit, the reason when it comes down to it that i think suicide is the only solution, is because i logically can't see any point in living if it is not possible for me to experience any level of positive emotion. I guess it is rather a hedonistic interpretation on the meaning of life, but without some sort of religious or spiritual beliefs justifying suffering in this life with the potential reward of an afterlife, reincarnarnation, or other such philosophy, the only real reason in my own mind i should exist is for the experience of positive emotions.

    I am not being deluded, or saying that i should only experience positive emotions, but my life up until now has been pretty much all pain and negativity, due to my upbringing, surroundings, and my underlying personality which these things have caused. Given that the only way i could experience those positive emotions is by being a completely different person to who i am now, and the cognitive dissonance this would create by trying to do so would stop any positive emotions anyway.

    A significant amount of this is due to my problems socially, i am not very good at interacting with people. Due to how my mind works, its thought processes and suchlike, it only seems to be that i gain those positive emotions from interactions with others. But the way my mind works also makes it pretty much impossible for me to have those interactions. To expand a little, I have a job, which to be honest is completely unsatisfying, and pays very little. Stress about money is a small contributing factor to my feelings, but thats irrelevent for now. But the people i work with are really great guys, relaxed, up for a laugh, very easy to work with. I can interact with them without much difficulty, which is a challenge on my part, but I can't derive any degree of positive emotionality from any of those interactions. It is the same with my relationship with my girlfriend, which right now is strained. Some of that is my own fault, because of my difficulties in interacting with her, though she is to blame too, for increasingly keeping her distance from me too often. This relationship has been built up over many years, and i love her unconditionally, but even so, i rarely get any sort of positive emotion from my interactions with her either.

    I guess the point i am trying to make is that while my situation in life is not particularly good right now, it is certainly no worse than what billions of people have to endure daily. That it is myself which, in the end, is the cause for my inability to feel positive emotion, and that i honestly can't see a situation or circumstance in which this would change significantly. And that is why i see suicide as the only option, because i do not see any reason to continue to live, if i am not able to experience anything which is worth living for.
  5. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    There is more to life than experiencing positive emotions from interactions with others. One can experience positive emotions by just doing things alone, like going for a bike ride or watching tv or even spending time on the internet. I find that I enjoy spending time alone, because I have lots of hobbies and interests to keep me busy. By many people's standards, I live a pretty boring, mundane and pointless life, but it gives me joy at the end of the day. Solitude is peaceful.
  6. isocial

    isocial Active Member

    i am pleased to be here..Thank you for sharing such a nice information..
    you just share you emotions with others that will some good feeling to get better...
  7. Deleted SKU

    Deleted SKU Well-Known Member

    It is sometimes pleasurable to do things on my own, and I do get enjoyment to some degree from those actions. But while that is the case, I guess it is just more that there is no emotional validation from these sources, and there is no positive emotional interaction from others either. As i stated before, whatever it is precisely that i am looking for, it is not something i can gain on my own, due to my mental set up, which is invariably negative in aspect, and task oriented.

    It is something i have been considering recently, and when by myself undertaking any task, whether it be browsing around the internet, reading, playing computer games, watching television or films, what they all mostly seem to be missing is that feeling of surprise. I invariably know what to expect, and can therefore justify away most pleasure gained from this in advance. That is why i am drawn to things such as comedy, where it is marginally less predictable, and easier to get a positive emotional reaction from.

    But none of those things compare to what can be gained, at least given my mental set up, from others. It is a mix of that spontanaity of interactions with others, emotional feedback from them, with the possibility of mutually induced emotion, and also to a large degree emotional validation.

    I said at the beginning of my writing on here, that my mind can override my emotions, but considering that further, i find that to be a bit disingenuous. Its more that i have forced my mind into overriding my emotions so often, because the emotions that i experience are almost always negative, and would drive me to a suicidal state far more quickly. Through my own psyche's natural instinct to protect itself, it has to a moderate degree repressed my own emotional state, to make day to day existance more manageable. I think in truth my emotional state may be so vunerable, that if i risk letting it have more influence on me, I will self destruct very quickly. I find it embarassing to say, but emotional validation from others is vital to my own state of positive emotionality, but my mental state finds it very easy to justify away that validation, making it very difficult for me to attain. Which is partly where the need for spontanaity comes in which can only be gained from interacting with others. No book, tv program, or computer game can provide that emotional validation of me as an individual, that i can't deny, avoid, or justify away. Only through interactions with others, at least for my own case, can get that.

    But that brings me back to the original problem, that my mental set up, my basic existance, is not able to allow myself that, which makes my existence untenable. If the only way i can gain that validation and emotional positivity is by being someone other than myself, putting on a pretence, then I will not be able to experience it at all, because it will not be for me, it will be for the pretence. And if my existence is going to be uniformly miserable, there is no logical reason why i should continue to live, and certainly no emotional reason either.
  8. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi Rathis. I gather from your last post that you don't receive emotional validation when you are able to correctly predict the result. I find that even when I watch re-runs of Fresh Prince of Bel Air and I can predict all of the jokes, I still find the show funny and enjoyable. Maybe there a difference in our mental configurations?

    It really sounds to me that you need some new friends to hang out with and make life more enjoyable. Do you currently have some friends who you could hang out with sometimes? I personally don't like spontaneity, because I like living a predicatlbe existence where I am in full control of my life. However it sounds like you would enjoy a degree of spontaneity in your life. You either need some spontaneous friends or you'll have to reprogram your mind to enjoy a nonspontaneous life.
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