I am here for maybe a different reason then some of you. I am not suicidal however I came here to see if I would be able to find a post that my sister may have made before she took her life. It's been a few months and the pain at times still consumes me. I was hoping maybe to find a post by her to fill in the gaps but no such luck. So as I sit here and read many of your posts I feel all of your pain. And I try and think of ways to talk you all out of it, however I understand that if your mind is made up there is nothing anyone can say or do to help change it... but maybe if your on the brink swaying... and need something to hold you back from doing it this can help you? I lost my sister about two months ago. She had fought depression for years and I think suffered some type of personality disorder/major depression. She also tried to self medicate. She emailed me with something that concerned me but over the Holidays things were busy so I let it slide. Spoke to her two days before she died she sounded great. Steady and composed. Had I known then what I know now I would have grabbed and shook her and given her a crystal ball to see the future and the extreme pain she has caused everyone around her. I understand in depression it's like tunel vision. All you see is just this small perception of what your life is right now and you cannot see what is around you, the love and hte caring. Yea I can hear some of you saying nobody gives a shit about me... I was abused, I am homeless, I have no money... I get it. But there is someone out there who needs you. And maybe your to depressed to see it. You probably know it but don't want to believe it. And death is your easy button. So let's fast forward here. You push your easy button. Your dead right? So where do you go from there? Soul, spirit? Eternal life and happiness? What about those left behind who suffer extreme insomnia, chest pain, anxiety? Who have to live again and again the full police report they read about how your body was found? What state it was in when discovered? Thinking about how your body had to lie in a morge for almost a week and how your loved one will strive daily to remember you as you were and not how you were found. It will hurt your loved ones beyond anything you can imagine. To this moment I am scarred and in pain. The tremendous guilt that I feel consumes me. My marriage is strained and my heart broken to pieces. So you ask, yea I take my life my pain is over. Then what? You take 10+ down with you. we never recover. But then that's what suicide is I guess. A quick easy out to a life of constant suffering and grief. I guess it really does not matter how we are left and what we feel. So why then can I not forget my sister? I mean it was her choice to create this horrible pain for us all.. I would like to move on. So are you going to do it? Will it hurt? Will you feel pain or suffer? That's just a second, where do you go after? I dont know if I believe in Hell and I hope and pray that my sister has moved to a place with peace and happiness... but what if there is nothing? And what if there is something? Think about these things. I am not trying to toss the religion card here but where does the soul really go? Anyhow thanks for reading. I don't know what I was trying to acomplish here but if someone get's something from it I guess it helped.