Trying to make some sense - Plz read if ur considering

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Seekinganswers, Feb 27, 2013.

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  1. I am here for maybe a different reason then some of you. I am not suicidal however I came here to see if I would be able to find a post that my sister may have made before she took her life. It's been a few months and the pain at times still consumes me. I was hoping maybe to find a post by her to fill in the gaps but no such luck.

    So as I sit here and read many of your posts I feel all of your pain. And I try and think of ways to talk you all out of it, however I understand that if your mind is made up there is nothing anyone can say or do to help change it... but maybe if your on the brink swaying... and need something to hold you back from doing it this can help you?

    I lost my sister about two months ago. She had fought depression for years and I think suffered some type of personality disorder/major depression. She also tried to self medicate. She emailed me with something that concerned me but over the Holidays things were busy so I let it slide. Spoke to her two days before she died she sounded great. Steady and composed. Had I known then what I know now I would have grabbed and shook her and given her a crystal ball to see the future and the extreme pain she has caused everyone around her. I understand in depression it's like tunel vision. All you see is just this small perception of what your life is right now and you cannot see what is around you, the love and hte caring. Yea I can hear some of you saying nobody gives a shit about me... I was abused, I am homeless, I have no money... I get it. But there is someone out there who needs you. And maybe your to depressed to see it. You probably know it but don't want to believe it. And death is your easy button.

    So let's fast forward here. You push your easy button. Your dead right? So where do you go from there? Soul, spirit? Eternal life and happiness? What about those left behind who suffer extreme insomnia, chest pain, anxiety? Who have to live again and again the full police report they read about how your body was found? What state it was in when discovered? Thinking about how your body had to lie in a morge for almost a week and how your loved one will strive daily to remember you as you were and not how you were found. It will hurt your loved ones beyond anything you can imagine. To this moment I am scarred and in pain. The tremendous guilt that I feel consumes me. My marriage is strained and my heart broken to pieces.

    So you ask, yea I take my life my pain is over. Then what? You take 10+ down with you. we never recover. But then that's what suicide is I guess. A quick easy out to a life of constant suffering and grief. I guess it really does not matter how we are left and what we feel. So why then can I not forget my sister? I mean it was her choice to create this horrible pain for us all.. I would like to move on.

    So are you going to do it? Will it hurt? Will you feel pain or suffer? That's just a second, where do you go after? I dont know if I believe in Hell and I hope and pray that my sister has moved to a place with peace and happiness... but what if there is nothing? And what if there is something? Think about these things. I am not trying to toss the religion card here but where does the soul really go? Anyhow thanks for reading. I don't know what I was trying to acomplish here but if someone get's something from it I guess it helped
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I hear your pain and i know your sadness hun i lost my bro to suicide anger still there the guilt god yes. the after affects on everyone wrote poem to my bro and it stated essentially what was said here. He did not just take his life that day he took more then one I am sorry your sister depression took her away from you hun. Please know that sometimes one does not show their cards so we are not able to reach out to them as we would have wanted to. Hugs to you
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi Seekinganswers...sorry that the journey here did not net what you wanted, however, I am not sure anywhere will...if we knew then what we know now...Lord, wouldn't most of us do things differently? Please know we each do the best we can...when someone is in critical condition, as your sister was, s/he might be equally good at hiding how s/he is feeling...a skill I wish could be used more constructively, for sure...I just read an interesting article about grieving and what one can do to move through the process (rather clinical, I know, as I also know I have never truly 'gotten through' those dear loved ones I have lost)...firstly, seek help....your grief does not have to be dealt with alone...grief counseling is helpful to afforded the grieving person a place to put some of this how you are feeling...we welcome you here to have a place to do that...there many members who have lost a loved one to suicide who will understand much of what you are going through (interestingly, we are all more similar than different) and see what you can do in your life to make the event meaningful for you (e.g. volunteer, fulfill the things you have put off, etc.)...there are more suggestions, but I wanted to highlight the main ones...I am so sorry for your loss and know that SF is a place for you to express how you are...welcome again and I wish we were meeting under different circumstances...with caring
  4. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    Easy? Not for me. Those left behind? Who? Where are they? So there is someone out there who needs me. Where is s/he? I can understand that you are hurting. Has it helped to lacerate me?
  5. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Seekinganswers, I do not have much to say that has not already been said. I just want to let you know how deeply sorry I am that depression and mental illness stole your sister from you. So often in life, especially when someone passes there are the feelings that if only I had done this, or would it have helped if I had done that. These are torturous thoughts to live with. Mental illness stole your sister from you. In my opinion, this is the culprit. The most loving family often is no match for the ravages of depression etc. I hope my words can help in a tiny way.

    Each person does have different circumsatnces. But yes, in the grips of depression people do believe that people would be minimally effected. Or they would get over it. Etc. I hope that you will post here as often as you would want. Perhaps your words will help someone. Again, I am so deeply sorry that your beloved sister has passed.
  6. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I wish my arms could hug you irl.
  7. nemo1

    nemo1 Member

    Sometimes it hurts to much
  8. Thank you for listening. This was actually the first time I have been able to talk freely about this as I have held it all in. I did attend a support group and that seemed to help somewhat however I am dealing with the EXTREME negativity that my sister left behind in notes etc. When her personal affects were mailed to me and I opened the box it was like I got smacked with instant negativity and I almost feel her negative spirit around me and I keep telling her to go towards the light and release that negative energy. I was told that when we pass over to the spirit world or the afterlife - the universe does not have a place for negativity and that person who took their life must remain in limbo untill the lessons are learned and they release the anger. I feel my sister robbed me of my mental and spiritual inoccence. Now I am plagued with fear, anxiety of the unknown and the contstant image of how she took her life so methodicaly and fail safe! It just is killing me inside.
  9. Theodora I am sory your huting. I don't expect my post to heal anyone or sway them away from an already decided answer. I wish I could take your hurt away. I am sorry your suffering. I know my sister was not but I wish she would have reached out. I'd have done anything had I only known
  10. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    I feel your pain. My son died by suicide two years ago. He was my everything and he was both kind and talented. He had the whole world available to him and a loving family and friends. Now all of us suffer daily from this great loss. As you stated, and only those of us in our shoes can really fully understand, a loss like this takes not just one... but many others with it. What it did for me in addition to leaving my heart barren and empty, void of pleasures of the things I had worked my whole life to build, is change who I am and what I do. My life is now dedicated 100% to trying to help others who could be at risk of being in my same situation. It is in honor of my son that I do this, but is therapy for me as well.

    Find something that helps you to cope with your loss as well. If you do, I promise that it will not mend the pain you feel, but it will give something back for the great loss that was experienced.
  11. I am so very sorry for your loss. As a momma of boys I can only imagine your pain. :frown: I know losing a child is much different from a sibling. It sounds as though even through these bleak and horrible times you have been able to find a positive. God Bless you for that. One thing I have found is I try to be more caring towards others as to not cause them more pain, maybe an extra smile or hold the door.. just something small like that might brighten their day.
  12. ryan.

    ryan. Well-Known Member

    First off I just wanted to say that I am sorry for your loss. But I can't help but feel like this prevalence of anger at those who commit suicide is cause by the fact that our views of mental health are still so primitive. I'll never understand why someone who loves a person, would want them to continue living despite knowing that their life is causing them nothing but pain, suffering and sadness. I feel that this anger stems from guilt. The people who are left behind in the wake of a suicide take out their feelings on the dead, because they can't cope with the tremendous guilt they feel over not being able to have made a difference, not being able to be enough to make the person to want to continue on living. Your sisters life was just that, her life, it was her decision and regardless of whatever religious views you have, it is everyone's right to decide whether or not they want to live; no one asks to be born and they should have the right to die, if they so choose. I mean some of the greatest existential philosophy, of all time, deals directly with this issue. You can disagree with her decision, but it was just that, her decision. She was the one who had to feel those feelings every single day and sometime its just too much for us to handle. Your feelings these past two months (the sadness and anxiety), are what she had been going through for years.
  13. Ryan good point she must have been feeling what I am feeling now for years and in that comparrison I can certainly understand the deep pain. Guilt yes, I feel it. But I was unaware of her mental state. I wish she reached out to me and told me. She lied about everything and never told the truth. I do believe we are given free will - and I am still trying to understand mental illness. I am looking at this suicide from a clear mind and I guess i need to look at it from her tunnel vision mentality.

    I am pissed to say the least. Why not talk to me? See that's what kills me I did not know what she was going through in her mind. Maybe she felt it was better that way. But regardless now it does not matter she's gone. But like a bowling ball she took others down with her and that is the shitty part of this whole thing. I think maybe I need to grasp mental illness like a cancer. It's a real and serious disease. She's not suffering now, or at least I hope so.
  14. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    Caring about others around us and not just self is what gives each of us humanity. That said, it is understood that someone who is depressed feels that suicide could be their only way out. It is not. Life is a struggle and a battle for us all. It is the learning to learn from our downs and our mistakes, and how we achieve methods to cope that are the tools which work toward wellness. There are exceptions to every rule, of course, and over time not everyone will raise themselves out of their depression... that is understood. However, many can (and do), and that alone is worth hanging on for. I don't think anyone is saying that we blame or feel guilt, but to deny that the loss of someone we love does not break our heart is to totally miss understanding of your own depressive thoughts as well. A survivor who did not take the right steps or understanding may feel guilt, that could be so, but for those of us who did everything within our power to try to save and help, it has nothing to do with guilt at all... only humanity and caring. It is a word we often sum up as "love."

    With that all said, our battle is not with others who are depressed or having suicidal thoughts. Our focus must be on elevating awareness of suicide prevention, in taking suicide caused deaths out of the closet where they are often hiding after, and in improving the available mental health services and attitudes/understanding of those involved as professionals in the mental health industry in order that those who can recover from their depressive thoughts are truly give that opportunity.
  15. ryan.

    ryan. Well-Known Member

    People with mental illness are really good at hiding what they are going through. I can only speak from personal experience, but none of my family know the full extent of what I've been feeling. I think this stems from a few different reasons. One, at least to me, its embarrassing; I have no reason to be depressed, I have a good life and a family that is so supportive and who loves me and yet I haven't been able to shake this melancholia for 3 years now. I've also engaged in self harm in the past and while I have told my mother somewhat about that, its really hard to admit. I mean it is the most nonsensical thing anyone could do and yet it makes sense to you, cause you hate yourself and you deserve to be punished. You can't deal with the pain your feeling emotionally, so you cause physical pain, because with that, at least you are in control. I think you have every right to be upset, but I think the reason that she wouldn't have reached out, is because she probably felt like a burden, I think all people who suffer from mental illness do. I know the pain that it has caused my family and how negatively my mental illness has affected everyone I care about; I haven't been the son, brother, or boyfriend that I can be, due to all this shit and all it has done is hurt the people I love; I hold alot of guilt over that.

    You are definitely right that mental illness is a serious disease and the scariest thing is that we still know so little about it. Unlike many here, my views fall in line with the anti-psychiatric movement, as opposed to the psychiatric orthodoxy, so this is my opinion, but our methods of dealing with mental health issues suck. On top of that, there is still so much stigma associated with it. Its really hard to explain and basically what it comes down to, is that no one who hasn't gone through mental illness themselves, or been trained to treat it, will ever be able to understand the mindset of someone suffering from mental illness. I made two attempts within three days recently, quite clearly failing at both. In some ways I'm glad I'm still here, I'm applying for a job that will allow me to help people, I want to make a difference in this world; but in many ways I wish I has succeeded. Every night the last thought running through my head is I hope I don't wake up in the morning and every morning when I do, all I can think is: fuck.

    I don't know exactly where I am going with this, I guess I just wanted to try and frame it as someone who probably has a similar mindset to what your sister felt. I hope that you find your experience on the board to have somewhat of a cathartic effect. Once again I am sorry for your loss.
  16. Ryan thank you, that does give me a better perspective of how she was probably feeling. And I do believe based on the person she was - she felt ashamed or a burden as you mentioned. From a loved ones perspective know that although we cannot fully grasp mental illness and the anguish it imposes on it's victims we want to help.. we want to be there! I wish I was given a chance. That's all. I am hurt and lonlely and guilt, fear.. yes fear! I can't explain to you this feeling of fear I have. I don't know what I am afraid of. This is not one of the emotions mentioned in the survivors handouts. But i feel it all the time. Ryan I know I cannot stop you from doing what you want to do, and if you truly wish for it to end you will succeed. I guess what I want to say to you is let the family know. I think it would have been better for me to accept her death if I knew in advance the pain she was in and to the degree she was feeling it. A suicide note is not adaquate. It needs to be verbally expressed. The note is an easy way out as to avoid the confrontation and assistance that might be offered. For me a note was of huge importance. For other family the note is of no help. However in the end it's done and over. My sister is now a memory and that is becoming more distant as each day passes.
  17. ryan.

    ryan. Well-Known Member

    No need to thank me, I think in some ways I feel guilty about how much confusion I would of left behind had I succeeded. My note consisted of: "Tell everyone I'm sorry. The ones who I love will know who they are. Burn or delete everything I've ever written." In retrospect it was so inadequate (and I guess you are right any suicide note would be inadequate) and I feel bad about that. I know what you are saying is right, I know that I should be more open with my family. I'm a very private person and its hard for me to open up. I was cutting myself for weeks, even before telling my girlfriend of 4 years, let alone my family. I know they want to help, they've been nothing but supportive, offering to pay for therapy and anything I need. Its hard to ask for help and I know that is nothing but pride and stubbornness on my part. Despite the fact that I don't really want to be alive, I am here for the foreseeable future; I don't have any plans to end things. I kinda want to accomplish something with my life before I do, prove I could have been successful before checking out. I have no doubt that me life will end by my own hand (this is something I have felt for a long time) it is merely a matter of when.

    Have you been to any support groups or things like that? I don't know much about them, but I am sure that they would be able to provide you with some sort of support network, with others who could understand your feelings.
  18. Gosh Ryan honestly I wish I could give you a big hug. See your even thinking of my well being with all your going through. I can see you've got alot to offer. I also can see your suffering greatly. My advice is don't carry the burden of pain alone. Hand it over to them they will at least talk to you about it. The worst thing that could happen is at your funeral they shake their heads and say I never knew... if I only knew.. And you know Ryan your feelings may change as time goes on perhaps a door will open for you that leads you down the path of helping others and as you say, accomplish something great! You will do this. Don't deny yourself the opportunity of happiness - it could be shown to you when you least expect it to.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 28, 2013
  19. ryan.

    ryan. Well-Known Member

    Well I could easily say the same thing about you, even with all you're going through, your even thinking of my well being, despite me being in a very similar situation and holding the same mindset as the person who has caused you this pain. Regardless I will send you a cyber hug :)

    I'm going to hold out for as long as possible (clinging to the hope that this feeling will go away) and am going to try and get better at being more open about what I am going through. I think that talking to you has shown me how those who love me would have felt had I succeeded in my attempts (and hopefully made me more sensitive to their mindsets, despite holding the same opinion that I did before, everyone has the choice if they want to live or not) and I hope that maybe I have been able to do the same: shed some light on what your sister may have been feeling and going through. Thank you for your kind words and I hope you find the answers that you are seeking for.
  20. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    I am so sorry for your loss.

    I wanted to provide you an excellent on line resource. SF is a really good place, but there is another place specific to those who have lost friends and loved ones. They have an excellent blog worth perusing, loads of resources, as well as an active community forum where you may share and receive support from others who understand. The site is; If you have any difficulty navigating the site feel free to ask someone there for assist. There are other support sites out there as well, although i think this is one of the better ones, imo, i mean specific to suicide survivors. SF is likely the best for mixed issues, as well as those who are suicidal. A lot of support and caring to be found here.

    Many of us have lost loved ones and friends. Some of us know both sides; not only have we lost those we love and care about, but some of us walk both sides of it and are actively suicidal ourselves, despite knowing the hellish nightmare and pain it causes others.

    I do have to say, There is No Easy Button. It's not a quick, easy, Im gonna feel good, get out of life's brutally painful (inside). Saying this to someone who is suicidal, may not be the wisest choice of words. You might want to prepare for someone lashing out with angry words if you choose to say this to them.

    Do you really want to forget your sister? Perhaps there is more there for you to consider. A bit of compassion or appropriately directed anger, although i understand that can be difficult with all the various emotions one feels. I do understand the anger, but you've stated she was ill; Depression, personality disorder...perhaps consider it was the illness that took her. Maybe focus some anger there. There are ppl (like Pick) who actively try to do something to bring awareness to issues of mental health and proper treatment. Some ppl dedicate their lives to this, much as he has done. As far as hell, if you happen to be Christian, do you really think that a god whose son went around supposedly healing ppl who were ill, would condemn someone to the fiery depths of some hell, because they were ill? Depression/personality disorders, they are as real an illness as diabetes and heart disease, and sadly, they can be just as deadly.

    ((Gentle hugs)) if you want/need them. Again, I am deeply sorry for your loss and I hope you are able to talk with someone and receive the support you may need. i found this for the UK but i am unfamiliar with their program. If you would like more links or info i have plenty i may share with you.
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