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Trying to survive another day.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by snowraven, Oct 18, 2008.

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  1. snowraven

    snowraven Well-Known Member

    Here I go again. Another bad nights sleep and another dayto face. Another fight for survival and it just seems to get harder all the time. The false face goes on as I leave to face the world. How are you? Someone is bound to ask that question. OK I will reply even though I hate to lie. If I was to say "Actually I feel like s**t and I'll be amazed if I get through the day without topping myself " what would there reaction be. They would freak and run a mile. Most people just don't really want to know the truth. Thanks for being here sf. It's like finding a sanctuary where I can be honest about things. Going out now to play the game of living. Hopefully I'll last long enough to get back and chat later. If I don't, thanks anyway and keep up the good work. S.
  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Welcome to the forum SnowRaven,
    I am sorry you feel so bad. Do you know the triggers that set you to thinking to harm yourself?
    Are you getting any kind of professional help? You Should at least find a therapist you feel comfortable with and sit down and tell her/him everything. You need to be honest and don't hold anything back. They can only help you if they have all the information. If you don't tell all then you will only be wasting your time.
    I hope you seek the help you need and stay safe. We are here to offer you support and advice. Take Care!~Joseph~
  3. snowraven

    snowraven Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the reply Joseph. Still here but it's hard. It's not so much a trigger that sets me off but more of a constant and has been for quite a while now. About 5 years infact since I first thought I can't take this anymore. Started with having access to my daughter stopped and finding there was nothing I could do about it. I was adopted myself so she is the only blood relative I have ever known. I love her to bits and we had areally good relationship so being stopped from seeing her hit me pretty hard. Life started to fall apart from there as I've sunk further and further into depression. First went to see a doctor for help about three years ago and felt I got none. I didn't want to start taking any pills and the only other advice I got was to go for a walk. I use to do a lot of mountaineering so the idea that a walk in the local park would make everything ok just didn't really float my boat very much. Since then I've managed to disassociate myself from nearly everyone I knew and life has just gone from bad to worse. Finally went back to the docs about a month ago and have recently started on medication. That just seems to have made me feel worse. The only thing that has stopped me from ending it all has been the thought of how it would hurt my daughter and how I've just got to wait until she is old enough to come and see me. But what's she going to find. A f****d up bloke who is no good to anyone. Certainly not the happy dad she once had. Maybe it's better if I just go now. Every day that thought just seems to get stronger and though I fight against it I think it's a losing battle. It's coloured everything in my life. Finding this place has given me some strength to go on. Knowing how many of us are living in such pain is really sad but kind of makes it easier. Maybe it's realizing that I'm not alone in these feelings is what helps. Certainly the chance to chat with others who understand helps. It means I don't have to pretend when I'm here.S
  4. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member


    I've been in your place for around 8 years. Making the choice to live one more day has gotten me through a lot of tough times. Gradually, I've been able to promise myself another week, or another month, usually for some event I don't want to miss.

    My counsellor told me I'm the best mask wearer she's ever seen. I know it's true. No one would have guessed what was going on behind. "I'm fine." One of the most abused phrases in the western world. But, as you say, the world would freak if I spoke the truth. No one likes to hear suicide or depression brought into a conversation. It makes people uncomfortable. I'm fortunate to have found a few people I can be honest with.

    When I first started on antidepressants, it was a nightmare. It took six tries to find one that worked for me, and that's with a six week trial period for each. By now, I'm on the one that works, and a few others for secondary issues, and I feel more leveled out.

    Therapy has been a huge help to me. It's been over two years since my last attempt. At first, at that point, I saw a female counsellor and a male psychotherapist every week. The male was more help to me. The woman just wants to set aside issues, put them on a shelf. At some point, you have to clean those shelves. I had my last session with the therapist a couple of weeks ago and will have my last appointment with the psychiatrist Wednesday morning. I still don't always feel safe, but I am in a better place than I was a year ago.

    Staying alive and keeping my life straight has been possible one day at a time because of my wife and two kids, and my Mom and siblings, and for God.

    Losing the chance to be a loving father has to be really hard. I'm sure it's hard for your daughter, too. Looking forward to seeing her would be a strong motivator to stay alive. And, as you say, knowing what it would do to her if you were to commit suicide. My kids know I've attempted, and it's been stressful for them, probably wondering when I'll do it again.

    I hope you'll be able to look around and find other reasons for living. I know that when you're in a hole, nothing looks hopeful or beautiful, and your perspective becomes skewed. (I'm saying this not as a counsellor, but as a man who's been in that place, and isn't far away from it yet.) My therapists have encouraged me to look for something good in each day, and to look in the mirror every day and smile at myself. I'm not so good at the mirror thing.

    I agree with you that this forum is a good place to find encouragement and to realize you're not the only one who's been where you have. Promise yourself every morning that you'll give yourself one more day.

  5. snowraven

    snowraven Well-Known Member

    Thanks Jim, I've never used medication before and I know I've got to give it time to kick in but thepills really do seem to be making things worse. Ifelt bad enough before but this feels like a real trial. I don't quite feel like I'm myself anymore. It's like watching someone else in a movie or something and not being able to control what they are doing. kind of scares me. Hopefully it won't last. S.
  6. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    Waiting for the six week trial period to end is really hard, especially if you're having bad side effects. If it hasn't leveled out, your doctor should have you try another one. I hope you find the right one more quickly than I did. It's a very difficult thing to face, having a med make you feel even worse than before. It was a hard year in my life, which I'm fortunate to have survived.
  7. snowraven

    snowraven Well-Known Member

    Hi Jim, thanks again for the support. I got quite a decent sleep last night so just feeling kind of sad today. Not as bad as I have been. Is that a picture of Denali (Mount McKinley) on your avatar? It's a mountain I always wanted to have a go at. By the way my name is Simon.--------- I wasn't sure where the best place to post this is so it's here and in you're visitor post. I.m still getting use to the forum.
  8. andyc68

    andyc68 Guest

    hi simon

    sorry to hear about your circumstances, i know how hard it can be not to see your own children, i myself didnt see my own son for the first 18 months of his life and then when we got divorced i had to fight just to see them once a week, maybe you can check out that route, your daughter has the right to see her father legally.
    but knowing how much this is hurting you then you have already done that.

    it may not help much but i think you should give yourself a chance for the meds to work, maybe get more help proffesionally if not for yourself then for your daughter, as you said one day she will see you again, then you want to show her the real you not the one that you see now.
    it will be hard and take time but it will be worth it and its a road that we will walk with you if your willing.

    no father / mother deserves to be treated like this, and nor do the kids, i am so sorry that this is happening mate.

    be strong
  9. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    Dear Snow I know exactly what you mean I wake up the next day only to think here we go again,one minute feel ok the next like I want to die and it's like a change in second's.Like you said most people don't really want to hera you go on about how you're feeling especially if it's rotten it's so sad I know.
  10. snowraven

    snowraven Well-Known Member

    Hi Andy and thanks. Yes I've checked out the legal route. In the UK the law which gave rights to unmarried fathers didn' t come in until 2001( I think) and it wasn't retrospective. My daughter was already a couple of years old by then. It's also comlicated by her mother having MS. She has to avoid things that stress her out as it's bad for her and what's bad for her is bad for my daughter. She says having me around stresses her out. I've got no chance that way. It leaves me feeling sort of useless etc. etc... I know I have done nothing wrong but feel like I'm really been punished for something. Maybe I was a real b*****d in some previuos life.S.
  11. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    Just coming in to give you hugs. I'm running a little low on advice right now as it's late and i really should be in bed. But you know my PM box is always open if you need to talk.
    Love, Lena. xx
  12. snowraven

    snowraven Well-Known Member

    Thanks Lena. Sleep well. That's where I'm going now .Love Simon.x.
  13. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    You sleep well too and take care :) Love, Lena xx
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