Well I might as well brace myself for this one, this little window into my life as a 13 year old, under the thumb of a 16 year old bitch. Before we go any further I just want you to know as you read this that I still love Leanne, and if she ever came and asked for me back I would go to her. That combined with this next bit should give you a good idea of why I'm so fucked up. I'm also going to warn you now, the next passage is graphic, hopefully not beyond site rules but if you are at all sensative at the time of reading then move to a different thread. Writing this majorly triggered me, because I still have full colour memories. What you get is the black and white version, cut to achieve a lower rating. Seriously, Warning May Trigger, only read if you are safe.
So you've got an idea of what Leanne was like. Well take your opinions of her and lower them even further, or you'll be in for a shock. It's more than two years since we first met. Just over a year since she first cut me. It's October half term, a time which I will never enjoy ever again. I'm staying at her house for most of the short holiday, we arranged it with one of my friends that I'd be at his house if anyone asked and then we were gone. On the one hand I was looking forward to the time with Leanne, although there was of course that dread of coming home with new scars, but I'd accepted that this was something she did, and that if I loved her I'd let it go. (fucked up I know, but moving on eh?) So, first night at her place, we've broken out the wine. She's told me she might have some mates over too, but they haven't got there yet. I go to the toilet, come back, drink my drink, chat a bit, then I notice something is wrong. I thought I'd been chatting, but what was coming out of my mouth was a slurred string of random noises. I tried to stand up, but my legs wouldn't hold. I fell the the floor, blacking out before I hit it.
I came to lying on my front on Leanne's big double bed. Completely naked. I tried to move my arms, but whatever was in my system was in full swing and while I could just about move my eyes, the rest of my body was out of my control. I'm not sure whether I was there for a few seconds or a few minutes, but after a wait Leanne is on the bed. There's a guy with her, it's Russ, the big guy who's a bit quiet, but has generally been apathetic towards me. They're both naked too. I try to speak, try to ask Leanne what's going on but my mouth isn't working, the muscles don't move at my command so all that comes out is a hissing sort of moan. Leanne leans over, she smacks my ass and grins at Russ, I'm not sure what she said as se digs her nails into my skin. Russ moves around where I can't see him, I try to move my head to watch him but it won't go. Leanne lifts my lower body up and places a pillow under it, raising my ass slightly off the bed. There are some wet sounds behind me, then I feel Russ' weight come down onto the bed. I'm still dazed as Leanne takes may head in her arms and holds it in her lap, there is a moment of fear as my fuzzy brain works out whats going on, then there is pain. Pain like I had never felt before, lancing up into my body from behind. I try to cry out but by mouth is still not listening, instead an almost animal sound comes out, a sort of grunt or whine. Leanne strokes my face as tears well up in my eyes and my lower body spasms. She holds me and tells me it's okay, she brushes my tears from my cheeks as I'm overwhelmed by the pain and the helplessness.
It's over soon enough, Russ leaves behind a hot, almost burning deposite as he pulls away and cleans himself off. As I'm lying there, in agony from the waist down, I can feel a wet patch forming on the pillow beneath my lower body, and the part of me that's still thinking straight realises that I'm bleeding, somewhere inside. Leanne has been holding my head and stroking my face the whole time, but now she stands up and goes to talk to Russ. I see by the wet patch she leaves behind that she enjoyed my pain. I can vaguely hear them talking, and the conversation was something along the lines of:
Leanne "So, enjoy yourself?"
Russ "Fuck yeah, that was pretty awesome"
Leanne "Was it like you thought it would be?"
Russ "Sorta, it's was wierd. But good. Thank you for setting this up for me"
Leanne "It's fine, anything for a friend in need, you wanna go again?"
Russ "Yeah sure, gimme a minute"
I don't think that's the exact words, but you get the idea.
So five minutes later Leanne comes over with some water, I think she's gonna be all caring, and she is, but once I've drank the water all the control I'd regained over my limbs goes, then Russ walks back in. This pattern followed for the next four days. When I wasn't drugged I was drunk, but I didn't really move far. I didn't eat, I drank what I was given, I slept when I could. I was broken, right then they could have done whatever they liked and I would have done nothing to stop them. Thankfully there are large patches where I have no memory of that week, but where I do they follow the same pattern. Leanne comforts me, brushes my face, runs her hand through my hair, whispers in my ear that sort of thing. Meanwhile Russ gets what he wants from me, different ways and different places around the house but same story. I learnt with a slack jaw what it was like to be on the other end of a blowjob. Leanne held my head and my jaw and moved me when I could not.
I still have nightmares about it, I'm never going to forget it. but I stayed with Leanne after the week. Call it stupid if you like, but from my point of view at the time, what else was there to do? Every woman I'd ever met had drilled it into my head, guys can't be victims, especially not of any sort of sexual crime. And I rationalised it. I convinced myself that it didn't matter, that it was my fault, that I must have hurt Leanne so bad that she decided I had to learn a lesson. I think now that was just doing a favor to a friend who was confused about his sexuality, who wanted to try gay sex but didn't want to ask any guys because being gay is still such a stigma. but back then, even though I was aggressive towards Russ the next time I saw him, and didn't see him after that, I convinced myself that it didn't matter. I still loved Leanne, and I should forgive her because I love her, or so I thought. But that week was the first time my faith in her was properly shaken, although that didn't come out until nine months later, when she broke up with me.
So yeah, I'm glad that's over, it physically hurt getting that down in writing. I'd just like to say that the long lasting effects of this incident, other than twisting me further, are that I have spent the last four years struggling with trust issues and a powerful terror of gay men. I fight the homophobia, because it's completely irrational and against what I believe, but it's hard. When I find out someone is gay, a part of me just wants to run and hide, or attack and get them before they get me. I know it's stupid, but I can't stop the urge, I just try to ignore it.