trying to talk

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by MLKane, May 4, 2011.

  1. MLKane

    MLKane Well-Known Member

    I'm not so good at the whole "talk about my emotions and how I feel" gig but I'm giving it a go. This is just an intro post, I'll post back later when I have more time, but I'm posting this to coincide with trying to tell a friend, so wish me luck.:)

    but yeah, before I get into why, here's how things stand now. I've ODd twice on different drugs, mainly prescription stuff, and failed. first time I puked it all up about two minutes after taking, the second time I just fell into a deep sleep for a little over a day. I, and now you, am the only one who knows about the attempts. my parents might suspect, but they haven't talked to me about it at all. I tried to tell someone once before, and they just fobbed me off, said I wasn't serious, you know the drill.

    I'm talking now because I'm getting worse again. I'm harming a lot more, I'm withdrawn and sad or very in your face and violent and angy. tbh it's the angry part that really scares me, I've wanted to die for a long time but wanting to kill or injure those around me, people I count as my friends, is something new. I'm scared because I've learnt my lesson from the last two attempts, this time I'll do something more violent, more drastic, to myself. sometimes I get so sad, or so angry, that I just walk away from my friends, leave college campus, go sit on a bench in a quiet old park, pull <edit moderator total ecllipse method> I'm scared because it's a matter of time before either I am pushed too far and kill myself or I snap and try and kill someone else. so all this is hopefully going to work like a release on the pressure, just let me drop back into the reliable old depression instead of whatever's fucking come over me now.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 5, 2011
  2. Mr Stewart

    Mr Stewart Well-Known Member


    Good luck talking with your friend. It's good that you're reaching out to someone. I know all too well how hard that can be.

    Have you considered speaking to a therapist?
  3. Ouroboros

    Ouroboros Chat Buddy

    this is a good start, well done, i know its hard :hug:

    I have heard on many occasions of people being fobed off and it sickens me. they wonder why more people don't reach out before ending it, well thats a big reason. But please don't let that stop you reaching out, not everyone is like that. Have you tried speaking to your doctor?

    Maybe you can try to talk about what makes you feel this way? when you are ready. It might help to get it out, calm you a bit.
  4. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    It is hard so well done for starting the process x
  5. MLKane

    MLKane Well-Known Member

    well, college is done, I'm back and I've failed my targets for today. It's my fault really, I was on my computer at college when my email system popped up that I had a message, as usual. now I was with two mates and while they weren't exactly watching, they both reacted when I clicked the message, which turned out to be my account authentication for this site. my fault for opening it, but while they were both like "Suicide Forum, wth?" I kinda brushed it off with a joke and closed the window. I was then too spooked for the rest of the day, just waiting for one of them to confront me about it or to tell someone who would, that I didn't even speak to the guy I was going to confide in. I'll try again tomorrow, but for today I'm still pretty sketched out, that just seemed like the day for everyone with half an excuse to ride my ass. luckily I was in lesson all day, so no oppertunity to sneak off and now I'm back home I can hopefully keep a lid on things.

    Well I'll reply to you lot before crapping all over the thread with depressive gumph so, thank you all for the kind words. I might consider speaking to a therapist one day, but not anytime soon. that would make the whole thing a bit too official for my liking, once I'm past this I want it to be like it never happened. as for speaking to a doctor, same problem really, with the added problem that, without really knowing why, I do not trust doctors. at all. also shop-keepers, policemen, paramedics, bus drivers, teachers, pretty much anyone who I do not know personally I deeply mistrust. the only reason I trust you all with this information is that at any moment I could cease to exist, as far as you would be able to find anyway.

    as to why I feel this way, I'll get to that soon. I'll have a drink, sit down and get it all out. but I think the way I feel is changing, from being 60-40 sadness to happyness I'm now more 60-10-30 sadness-happyness-anger. and I think it's because as I get older and see more and more of my friends move on with their lives, I'm still trapped in a prison of my own construction. I'm just getting bitter.
  6. Mr Stewart

    Mr Stewart Well-Known Member

    yep, and yep, and yep again. I think you and I have a lot in common. The mistrust of doctors (and people in general), the anger, the bit about seeking professional help being scary because if you do that then it's official, it happened and was documented. I understand completely.

    It's nice to meet you, MLKane.
  7. MLKane

    MLKane Well-Known Member

    will post more in the morning, tired atm, but just to update and say that I successfully told my mate. or at least, I told him "I'm depressed, self harming and suicidal" before kinda blerging out how I was on this site and how I'm worried I'm getting worse. He just took it all in, hugged me and said that he's just a phone call away if I ever need anything or am in danger.

    best. friend ever. :D

    I'll put up part one of my depressive rubbish in about eight hours or so, cya then.
  8. MLKane

    MLKane Well-Known Member

    ok well I've beat around the bush enough now, I'll get right down to it. this is the first post of four or five, some of them will be long and some will be short. Warning May Trigger.

    Well then. Flash back to 6 years ago. I'm 11, in my last year of primary school. I'd started hanging around with a guy in the year above, lets call him Dale, and he was a proper chav. he spent most of his time bunking off school, and during break or lunch he would come and wait on the other side of the school fence. I'd climb over, we'd go smoke, vandalise the park, do some petty shoplifting, the sorts of things that idiot teens do. A few weeks after my birthday, Dale invites me to a party, I've been to others before and felt a bit out of place with all the older kids around, but I decided to go. So this guy, about 18 or 19 comes and picks us up in this crappy little car after school, we go to this guy's house, the party is started etc. So I did my usual stick, too nervy to socialise with the older guys, I just drank whatever came to hand. Then, surprise to me, this proper hot girl comes over, sits on the floor next to me and we start talking. Now by this point we're both the worst for wear, and the next thing I know we're kissing. kissing turns to heavy petting, heavy petting turn to full on drunken sex on the staircase, the bedroom must have been taken or something, but I'm fuzzy on the details. I found out later that she'd been dared to see how far she could get with that loser in the corner, so chalk one up for spin the bottle eh?

    Thats how I met Leanne, she was two years older and had already had an older boyfriend, so I suppose she was going in the other direction with me. I'm not sure why she stuck with me after that night, but we were together for three, nearly four years.
  9. MLKane

    MLKane Well-Known Member

    Sorry this took so long, had to squeeze it out of me. As always, warning may trigger, only read if you are safe. Ok, first post done, nothing so terrible in that right? That bit was the easy bit, not much more than an introduction. Things didn't get bad until a couple of months later, in middle of the summer holidays. Or at least, looking back on it now that's when I started to lose control over my life. At the time I didn't know until much too late.

    So it's summertime, it's hot, me and Leanne had so much free time to spend, and I pretty much spent it all with her and her friends, which isolated me from the people I'd met when I was in school. Suppose that was a bad idea, but at the time I didn't realise that I would need other friends. I was fast falling in love with Leanne, not just a little infatuation or some lust, soon I was at that stage where I would do anything for her. Her friends weren't bad to me, I was mostly ignored as someone who was neutral in all their little internal squabbles and mini-cliques. I spent all my time with Leanne, learning about her and how she lived. Her dad had money, lots of it, and she went to a pretty decent private school at his expense. but he was always working, so she'd quickly learnt to be independant. They had a nice house, big butt not massive, and I spent a lot of my time there. However even though I must have spent three or four days a week at their house, I only met her father three or four times and not until a couple of years after I met Leanne, which should give you an idea of how much he was around.

    Now by August Leanne was the boss of me. If she said jump then I leapt and asked if that was high enough. That would have been fine enough if she'd been benevolent however this was not the case. It started easy enough, just a couple of comments on how I should change my appearance, get more built, shave my head, that kinda thing. Then it was behavioural stuff, "kiss me before you say hi to anyone else", "be nicer to mark, he's only ribbing you", "don't talk to jordan, she's being a bitch right now", "don't play football, it's for idiots", "don't eat burgers, they're gross" and so on and on. Sex changed too, I won't go into too much detail but although she'd always been in charge, being the experienced one, now it was taking on a more, dom/sub element. Everything happened at her say so, and while occasionally that was for me to take a bit more control it was usually more to do with pleasing her at my expense. Again that would have been ok, but then she started to hurt me, first in the bedroom and then in everyday interactions too.

    It started off easy enough, a little biting, a little scratching, an unexpected finger where one hadn't gone before that kind of thing. Then the bites and scratches stopped being about passion and started to just be about inflicting pain, showing her dominance. A slap or a punch or a kick was common place, the finger ceased to be gentle or pleasant. I came to expect to hurt after sex, not just be sore or tired but actual pain. She started whacking me in normal situations too, if I wasn't quick enough to do what she said or didn't answer how she liked then I'd have a bruise. If I really pissed her off then one of her male friends would do it, then she'd come scold me and grind a knuckle or a heel into where I hurt. By the time we'd been together for a year the knife came out. First it was just the flat or the back or the bottom of the handle on my skin during sex, then she would just draw the blade across my skin to make a shallow scratch. By summer she was cutting right through the skin or digging the point in where she knew there were no big veins. I still have scars all over my chest, back, shoulders, lower legs, ass and crotch. I'm a tall guy, I tell people they're stretch marks where I grew so fast but I have no idea how many people buy that.

    I recently found out that my spine was crooked and had vertebre out of place, I might have just grown strangely but it could also be because of all the times I was hit in the same places, all the times I convulsed my spine in pain at a cut. I think that must have contributed to it, otherwise why would it be so fucked up? whatever the reason is, basically I'm never gonna get into the army, I wouldn't pass physical because of my back and even if I get past all this suicidal depression I'll still look like I've been through a blender, which I reacon would kinda make a psych evaluation see mental health issues lol

    well, thats that part done, I reacon I'll just do the one major betrayal of my trust and then how we ended and I'll be done.
  10. MLKane

    MLKane Well-Known Member

    Well I might as well brace myself for this one, this little window into my life as a 13 year old, under the thumb of a 16 year old bitch. Before we go any further I just want you to know as you read this that I still love Leanne, and if she ever came and asked for me back I would go to her. That combined with this next bit should give you a good idea of why I'm so fucked up. I'm also going to warn you now, the next passage is graphic, hopefully not beyond site rules but if you are at all sensative at the time of reading then move to a different thread. Writing this majorly triggered me, because I still have full colour memories. What you get is the black and white version, cut to achieve a lower rating. Seriously, Warning May Trigger, only read if you are safe.

    So you've got an idea of what Leanne was like. Well take your opinions of her and lower them even further, or you'll be in for a shock. It's more than two years since we first met. Just over a year since she first cut me. It's October half term, a time which I will never enjoy ever again. I'm staying at her house for most of the short holiday, we arranged it with one of my friends that I'd be at his house if anyone asked and then we were gone. On the one hand I was looking forward to the time with Leanne, although there was of course that dread of coming home with new scars, but I'd accepted that this was something she did, and that if I loved her I'd let it go. (fucked up I know, but moving on eh?) So, first night at her place, we've broken out the wine. She's told me she might have some mates over too, but they haven't got there yet. I go to the toilet, come back, drink my drink, chat a bit, then I notice something is wrong. I thought I'd been chatting, but what was coming out of my mouth was a slurred string of random noises. I tried to stand up, but my legs wouldn't hold. I fell the the floor, blacking out before I hit it.

    I came to lying on my front on Leanne's big double bed. Completely naked. I tried to move my arms, but whatever was in my system was in full swing and while I could just about move my eyes, the rest of my body was out of my control. I'm not sure whether I was there for a few seconds or a few minutes, but after a wait Leanne is on the bed. There's a guy with her, it's Russ, the big guy who's a bit quiet, but has generally been apathetic towards me. They're both naked too. I try to speak, try to ask Leanne what's going on but my mouth isn't working, the muscles don't move at my command so all that comes out is a hissing sort of moan. Leanne leans over, she smacks my ass and grins at Russ, I'm not sure what she said as se digs her nails into my skin. Russ moves around where I can't see him, I try to move my head to watch him but it won't go. Leanne lifts my lower body up and places a pillow under it, raising my ass slightly off the bed. There are some wet sounds behind me, then I feel Russ' weight come down onto the bed. I'm still dazed as Leanne takes may head in her arms and holds it in her lap, there is a moment of fear as my fuzzy brain works out whats going on, then there is pain. Pain like I had never felt before, lancing up into my body from behind. I try to cry out but by mouth is still not listening, instead an almost animal sound comes out, a sort of grunt or whine. Leanne strokes my face as tears well up in my eyes and my lower body spasms. She holds me and tells me it's okay, she brushes my tears from my cheeks as I'm overwhelmed by the pain and the helplessness.

    It's over soon enough, Russ leaves behind a hot, almost burning deposite as he pulls away and cleans himself off. As I'm lying there, in agony from the waist down, I can feel a wet patch forming on the pillow beneath my lower body, and the part of me that's still thinking straight realises that I'm bleeding, somewhere inside. Leanne has been holding my head and stroking my face the whole time, but now she stands up and goes to talk to Russ. I see by the wet patch she leaves behind that she enjoyed my pain. I can vaguely hear them talking, and the conversation was something along the lines of:
    Leanne "So, enjoy yourself?"
    Russ "Fuck yeah, that was pretty awesome"
    Leanne "Was it like you thought it would be?"
    Russ "Sorta, it's was wierd. But good. Thank you for setting this up for me"
    Leanne "It's fine, anything for a friend in need, you wanna go again?"
    Russ "Yeah sure, gimme a minute"
    I don't think that's the exact words, but you get the idea.

    So five minutes later Leanne comes over with some water, I think she's gonna be all caring, and she is, but once I've drank the water all the control I'd regained over my limbs goes, then Russ walks back in. This pattern followed for the next four days. When I wasn't drugged I was drunk, but I didn't really move far. I didn't eat, I drank what I was given, I slept when I could. I was broken, right then they could have done whatever they liked and I would have done nothing to stop them. Thankfully there are large patches where I have no memory of that week, but where I do they follow the same pattern. Leanne comforts me, brushes my face, runs her hand through my hair, whispers in my ear that sort of thing. Meanwhile Russ gets what he wants from me, different ways and different places around the house but same story. I learnt with a slack jaw what it was like to be on the other end of a blowjob. Leanne held my head and my jaw and moved me when I could not.

    I still have nightmares about it, I'm never going to forget it. but I stayed with Leanne after the week. Call it stupid if you like, but from my point of view at the time, what else was there to do? Every woman I'd ever met had drilled it into my head, guys can't be victims, especially not of any sort of sexual crime. And I rationalised it. I convinced myself that it didn't matter, that it was my fault, that I must have hurt Leanne so bad that she decided I had to learn a lesson. I think now that was just doing a favor to a friend who was confused about his sexuality, who wanted to try gay sex but didn't want to ask any guys because being gay is still such a stigma. but back then, even though I was aggressive towards Russ the next time I saw him, and didn't see him after that, I convinced myself that it didn't matter. I still loved Leanne, and I should forgive her because I love her, or so I thought. But that week was the first time my faith in her was properly shaken, although that didn't come out until nine months later, when she broke up with me.

    So yeah, I'm glad that's over, it physically hurt getting that down in writing. I'd just like to say that the long lasting effects of this incident, other than twisting me further, are that I have spent the last four years struggling with trust issues and a powerful terror of gay men. I fight the homophobia, because it's completely irrational and against what I believe, but it's hard. When I find out someone is gay, a part of me just wants to run and hide, or attack and get them before they get me. I know it's stupid, but I can't stop the urge, I just try to ignore it.
  11. sunshinesblack

    sunshinesblack Well-Known Member

    um, wow shoking read :/
    am curious about the girls family and entourage, ive bumped into some what looked like sadist females but none so easy to cause that much physical damage, guess she really trusted she wont get reprimanded in any way
    and sad you can love such monsters
  12. MLKane

    MLKane Well-Known Member

    I tried to make it get across some of what it felt like to live through, without being ghoulish about it. As for her family, as I said, daddy was one of those people who buy's affection, he never spent much time with Leanne and once she was old enough to look after herself he just stopped hiring someone to do it for him. I'm not clear on what happened to her mum, I think they divorced but I'm not sure.

    As for her friends, they were the kind of kids who you get at a mid-range private school, their families had enough money for them to ignore their expensive education in favour of getting drunk and high but not so much that they had no limits. They were always whinging about how they didn't have quite enough money for that latest gadget or pair of shoes or whatever. Leanne was leader of her little group mainly because she was the only one who wasn't ever short of money. I don't know if her dad was better off or she got a more generous allowance because she looked after herself.

    It was all a bit of a different world to me, I'm lower-middle class, state educated, firmly unprivileaged but not on the dole either. Leanne's group had all this petty politics, because it was relatively big, around 14 people counted themselves as 'close friends' so there was always those little mini-groups of two or three within the main group, who didn't like some other mini-group but they had mutual friends so they still hung out together etc etc. Leanne was the alpha female of the group, while the top guy was a nutter called Mark, who got a shotgun liscence when he was 15 and boasted about what he shot on the weekends. He was also Leanne's go-to guy if she wanted someone to teach me a lesson.

    I think one of the reason's Leanne stuck with me for so long is because I was basically neutral in all this, I wasn't a proper member of the group so there was no chance of me getting to know any of the other girls well ebough to betray her, and when push came to shove none of them would be bothered to stick their neck out for me.

    and if I could change how I felt I would. I just hope it changes in time for me to move on and find someone else, before I get left behind.
  13. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist


    First time for me to read through all of this. I am so sorry you were subjected to this.

    I can understand why you would stay with her, I "get" that part from my history. Yet, logically, I also recognize its not the correct thing to do.

    I hope, as you continue to work through this, that you have a therpist or other people in your life that you can sincerely trust and who have your back.
  14. sunshinesblack

    sunshinesblack Well-Known Member

    yeah im not exactly stranger to why you would stay either

    but now i know feelings can be blinding
    for me at least somewhere along the line i got a few glimpses of myself from the outside, what others saw (beyond what i read on their faces) like neutral stranger observer, and well.......i cant forgive, even though i still hate myself

    anyway hope you find your peace of mind and happiness ..... maybe without needing to hurt yourself lol, well not beyond repair anyway
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 4, 2011