Why does it call to us, drawing us in like ancient sirens? I have so much to live for, people who love and need me, and yet I find myself drawn to the thoughts, the music, the finality of ending my life. I'm not in any imminent danger. They're just thoughts, and oddly distant ones at that, but they're there. I can "see" a woman in my mind - she is standing in front of her lethal means, just contemplating. I sit back and watch, more curious than anything else, just to see what she chooses to do. It is me, yet not me at the same time. I do not feel compelled to rescue her, nor do I feel compelled to join her. It's a very odd sensation and one that has been hanging around with me for days. I told my pdoc about it yesterday, and we have increased my medication, so we'll see if that helps any. My mother died last month, my father went into ICU and my already tenuous relationship with my sisters fell apart. I began to crash into a depression, but much of that has lifted now. But part of me is reluctant to let this go - these thoughts, these feelings, this woman in my mind. I just don't understand it all.