Trying to understand this feeling?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by janga, Jan 11, 2010.

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  1. janga

    janga New Member

    Alright, here is how it goes. I seem to have a perfect life? Well not really perfect but fairly well off to say the least. I have a problem with my skin (ichthyosis vulgaris) and wear glasses but I'm well off.
    I have a good job, one that I like and can even work from home if I wish.
    I have a great girlfriend who loves me for me and I love her.
    I have a great place with everything I want (cept a dog but I'm waiting on that for now.).
    I am healthy (Run 3 miles every other day).
    Basically everything that I've ever tried for has come to pass, or at least is in close view.

    Yet... I've always wanted to end my life?
    I dream about and spend a great deal of time thinking of how to kill myself. I've determined that I want to simple take one last vacation down in Florida and try to swim the Atlantic to simply drown. I don't know why I want to do this but I've wanted to for a VERY long time. The only thing stopping me is that I feel it would be very selfish to those who I love and love me. As well those who depend on me (Like millions on WELFARE!).

    Any ideas why this is... or is it something that is some sort of chemical imbalance? My father would apparently talk to my mother about committing suicide as well, is it possible it is simply genetics? And really I don't want to be put on pills. I really don't... Any suggestions?:sad:
  2. Datura

    Datura Well-Known Member

    Well when it comes down to it, all of those things you've listed are external. What are you feeling internally/mentally?
  3. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    well janga i first off want to say welcome to the forum. we're glad you're here, and we'll listen. i'm sorry that you feel this way. before i would go claim it's genetic (which it may be) i'd maybe say it's just one of those freak thoughts that people get sometimes. i don't know for sure though. i'm no doctor so it's hard for me to say. i just hope and pray you will never follow through with it, because you are so valued and loved. please take care
  4. janga

    janga New Member

    Thanks for the replies. Internally I've been happy often but just as often I've felt very depressed. And as for the want/need to just disappear has been with me for so long I can't remember. The biggest thing is that it seems like I'm planning around it as to make an excuse do go and do it. I always think that "If I lose my girlfriend I'll go through with it." Or "If I lose my job I'll go and do it." In most ways I look forward to it as if it were an adventure. Something new, something different. I feel I put on a good face for the rest of the world but inside I just want that as the ultimate freedom? I think the thing that really nags me is when I am happy I stop to think about it... And come to the personal realization (sometimes real or sometimes false) that it will all end soon and go back to being depressed? I admit it is most confusing.

    The other question is who says it is right or wrong to want something like this for myself? Is it wrong, really and if so why? Any real why that I can come up with or have heard seems to be just an opinion and not a solid reason. Or maybe I just feel that way to justify it?

    In many ways I do want to end my life. Most likely I won't get up the nerve but it is still something that nags me. Thank you for the support. I know it must be difficult out there to talk to people who look at the world like (this is the internet) "It's all about me". Either way I don't feel comfortable talking about this with my family but to random strangers I have no problem. Either way as I was stating. Thank you for the responses. And any continued input would be great.
  5. musiclady

    musiclady Member

    Maybe you are afraid. Maybe this is your backup plan so it allows you to enjoy what you have now. Kinda like "I know this won't last, so when it's over I'll...." then you can focus on the now with no worries on how you'll feel when the good time is over. I know it's said that when a suicidal person plans it out, they suddenly feel better. Like they have a purpose. And their loved ones think they're better when they're really not. Hope you never need to go through with it.
  6. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I hope this doesnt come out the wrong way and that it makes some sort of sense. But I think you use it as a way to keep yourself insured that the good things will happen. You say that you often think if this or that happens then you are going to commit suicide. So with that in mind, you strive to make sure things do go good. Sort of a way to keep things in your life prioritised and moving ahead.

    There are so many possibilities as to why these thoughts and feelings occur. It could be some genetic thing that has been passed along. I'm bipolar and know that there is a chance that one or more of my children could develope it as well. It could also be a form of depression. So many people think that depression targets only certain types of individuals. But depression can strike anyone at anytime. And that's why it is important for you to talk to your doc about the thoughts. Explain that they arent extreme. Just there. And although you dont see yourself acting on them, they are there. He can refer you to a therapist or some counselling. And it doesnt automatically mean meds. There are so many coping skills you can learn and use. There are support groups you can attend. A great place that you can feel free to talk about how you are feeling. It's a lot like here except that you have real faces to but to the support.

    Please dont be afraid to talk here. That is exactly what this site is about. To vent and discuss the things that you cant in RL. And so many understand what you mean and how you're feeling. So keep posting. For two reasons: it gives you the chance to get it out, which that in itself can sometimes be such a big help. Having those thoughts and feeling like their taboo to your friends and family, kind of gives them a strength of their own. But when you know you are telling someone else that understands then they dont seem as bad. And when you post you let others know what's going on and they can help to support you through this. You are no longer alone and the thoughts dont seem to have as much strength or "glamour" anymore.

    Sorry a long ramble. But I hope somewhere in it there are some words that make sense and that you can use to help get you past this. Good luck.
  7. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Sounds to me like you live the life everyone tells you to, not the life you want to life. You are just going with the flow, which is not all that fulfilling.

    Your fear of appearing selfish is also a problem. There is nothing wrong with being selfish, it is what gives us fulfillment. You say "I want that" and you get it and it feels good.
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