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Trying to understand...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by dislimned22, Sep 10, 2013.

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  1. dislimned22

    dislimned22 New Member

    I'm 23 years old and have had depression for probably > 10 years. I've felt suicidal most of my life -- I can't think of a single day where I didn't think about killing myself. At best it's once a day, at worst it's many times per hour. I've never attempted, but I've done a *lot* of research about how to do it right. I've made plans and written notes on a few occasions when I got really serious, but I stopped short of doing it.

    Here's what I don't understand: My life is good. There is, realistically, nothing going wrong. I'm depressed and anxious as hell, but I can objectively recognize that my life is good. I have nothing to complain about. I just...want to kill myself. There is something inside myself that is constantly telling me to kill myself regardless of how good things are going. Has anyone else experienced this? It feels totally ridiculous, but I can't figure out why I keep thinking about killing myself so often.
  2. Psych77

    Psych77 Well-Known Member

    I didn't have the depression for no reason, but my sadness (I can realize objectively) was sure disproportionate to my problems. I have been having suicidal thoughts since I was 7 years old.

    Have you seen anybody about this. A depression that has no foundation in the problems of life (as well as one that is disproportionate to the problems) is very likely to be a physical problem in your brain, treatable with medications. Now, medications alone usually won't do it...I am on medications (just switched to a new one, to try to better address my problems), and I am still here. But I will tell you, it is easier than it used to be to redirect my thinking, to remind myself that I have good things, than it used to be. I get suicidal, but it doesn't last as long, and I am better able to function. And I am better able to find help for myself - there used to be a time when I wouldn't have thought to come to a place like this; I just would have stayed alone, brooding over how miserable I was, and believing that no one else was as unhappy as me.

    Medications also can help you be free to break your mind out of that loop of "feeling depressed - stay all alone at home - don't sleep - avoid things I enjoy - get more depressed." You usually need a therapist to help you learn to break out of that, but antidepressants can help you get out of being "stuck" in it.

    At any rate, you have come to the right place. Regardless of how our sadness starts and continues, we all understand what it feels like to be so sad that you don't want to go on with life. We'll listen, and help as much as we can. I hope you will get other help as well.
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