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Tumblr, anxiety, and the will to die

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by kit-kat, Apr 18, 2015.

  1. kit-kat

    kit-kat New Member

    So first of all something I've been having trouble with for so long is that I'm so scared of talking to people, online and offline. Although mainly it's a problem online considering I don't go outside anymore and now I have messages on a several sites, including this one, that I'm too scared to open. I've tried to find a solution to this and really the only answer I ever got was "drink tea". I suppose this is anxiety but someone I knew with anxiety never seemed to have it this bad considering they had loads of online friends.

    This person is another problem as well. Not only did they put me in a very bad place for a year they also stole one of my Tumblr sideblogs and for months have refused to give it back. Today I gave in and have contacted Tumblr and gave evidence and hopefully they'll do something about it, it'll be a massive weight off my mind. Despite how much I try to convince myself that I hate this person it's not working. Considering that why don't they have the same problem? How can they just act like nothing ever happened and go on and seemingly be happier without me? I asked them once "how is this so easy for you?" and they said "It's not" and didn't elaborate on that as usual. I guess I always meant nothing to them. I asked them that once and then they came out with "you meant everything to me" but with everything they did it's clear that I was nothing. I guess I miss them but now everything is ruined.

    I also feel like such a failure that my past suicide attempts haven't worked and it feels even worse that a small lil part of me wants to live. But that small lil part of me doesn't want to live like this. I don't want to live as this person in this life. I hate the person I am.

    Nothing ever gets better just the problems become different. Kinda wish I had the courage to go out and buy a whole load of alcohol and get completely drunk but that requires going to a shop and I don't look my age and I don't have any form of ID except for a passport. Maybe it's a good thing because I feel like I could easily become an alcoholic.

    If anyone who has messaged me is reading this I'm so sorry and I'll open your messages when I get the courage I promise.
  2. kit-kat

    kit-kat New Member

    Idk I guess I also just feel like whats the point in ever trying to get better? I have no future, nowhere to go from here. I never have. When I was younger everyone around me would be saying "I want to be a vet!" or whatever and I'm just there like I can't even imagine the future. The first time I ever imagined a future for myself is when I met the person I mentioned in the first part. My future was to be with them always and try to give them happiness. Now that future is gone and I can never have it. At this point I do things because I have to and not because I want to. Whats the point in struggling on more for nothing? There's nothing for me in the world.

    Sorry I just have a lot of words in my head right now and wanted to get them out.
  3. ChestnutMay

    ChestnutMay Antiquities Friend

    Hi kit-kat, I'm one of the people who PMd you. Don't stress out about not opening them. There's nothing of vital importance in there - just some info you asked for (hopefully reassuring) and lots of best wishes. Am glad you reached out this way, though, because I have been wondering about you. I totally understand about not opening mail, btw. I never open my snail mail as the anxiety is too overwhelming and I have an entire secretary full of it. Anyway, for me it's like jumping off a high dive when I finally build up the courage to open an envelope. Suddenly I just do it. It is almost never as bad as I fear.

    Good for you taking the step with Tumblr. You must feel good about accomplishing something useful today. When I'm depressed, it is very hard for me to function, so you should pat yourself on the back for getting this done. It's really a shame you had to do it and I'm very sorry you have been through so much painful stuff with the person you mention. It does sound like this person does not have your best interest at heart and you would be better off without them. I know you miss them as you once were close and you had a lot of dreams tied up with them. However stealing anything from someone else is the work of a weasel. You deserve better than that and hopefully this is a good first step in putting them behind you. Can not stress enough what a good thing you did today by contacting Tumblr.

    Disagree with you when you say there is nothing for you in the world. Those feeling are part of being depressed and you need treatment for them. In an earlier post you mentioned hospitalization but if you don't go that route, at least try to make contact with a therapist. There is help for you out there.

    Hope you will keep posting here.