Now I am posting this here for thoughts, see I am well I should be on medication, and the problem is when I am not I can lash out at people emotionally, I can get highs and lows, and well I have spent all day saving someone from leaving my life because I was very mean to them, see I could have meds but they turned me into a zombie, I am very creative, art, film, words, etc. When I am on meds I cannot focus I feel like I cannot do anything a zombie, even my job is creative so that too would struggle, but I have lost countless friends, girlfriends because they cannot cope with me on a downer, am I being selfish not having them? Although one thought I have now started talking more openly about it to the few remaining I trust, so maybe that helps, although she has given me more patience and understanding then I deserve. How do I fix it without meds, therapy is a no go. I feel so ashamed of my actions and wish I was different, but I am me, and I am fighting another day, she said something profound, why don’t you care Rich? I do care I just fail to show it or deal with my emotions. Do I go back to meds, and risk my job, risk being a zombie, or do I try as I have been doing to ride these waves of emotion that are extreme to the point of europhia or so depressed I want to die?