Turned on by pain.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by ~PinkElephants~, Sep 20, 2008.

  1. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    Here's the story. I was raped when I was 17. I don't talk about it much. It was 11 years ago and that's it. I don't like talking about it. The problem is that I feel since then I've become warped.

    Is it wrong to take pleasure in pain? I mean honest and true sexual pain. If you're with someone and they leave bruises, bite marks, etc. Is that wrong that it's a complete and utter sexual turn on.

    You want the real me...here goes:
    Ever since I was raped I get turned on by being "beat up" so to speak. I take pure pleasure when a guy abuses me, leaves marks on me, bites me, pinches me, hurts me, etc. Any kind of pain makes me feel alive. Any kind of submissive act makes me feel like something. Even if they are degrading me I feel like I"m alive. I feel like the more pain I can handle/take the better off I am. The more pain inflicted the more I want. I like the feeling of a guys hand wrapped around my neck squeezing hte life out of me knowing that at any second he could squeeze to hard. I like knowing that my life is out of my hands and whatever happens happens. I don't care much about my physical safety. I don't care what happens. I enjoy it. I enjoy feeling lost and helpless because in reality it's all I am.

    Does that make me sick?
  2. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Well, the fact that you see it as a connection to your rape may be a problem. But it is relatively normal to be into S&M I guess, maybe not "healthy" but normal. Do you put yourself in dangerous situations (I mean really dangerous, like this kind of sex with strangers who you actually think may hurt you) or is it just a fantasy situation? Also, is this the only way you can get turned on? If the answer to either of these is "yes", then you have a problem. Have you talked to a therapist about this?
  3. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    It's not the only way I get aroused but it's the deepest arousal I get from it. It's not wehre I put myself in danger either. The problem is I can hold back them from stopping. iw ill take as much pain as i can before THEY stop. I don't stop the interaction. I wont. Pain means alive. Pain means feeling.
  4. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    While something like that can be o.k. from time to time, you may be on the verge of fetishism. It sounds like you are also preventing yourself from becoming truly emotionally vulnerable. Physically,yes, you are vulnerable, but the actual possible pain from emotional vulnerability seems to be something you're avoiding. Also, you obviously have self-worth issues that need to be dealt with, but you knew that.
  5. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    That does not make you sick. It makes sense to me why this would arise considering what you went through.
    Sex is really a great teacher, and exploring why certain things turn you on and how that connects to things that have happened in the past might make things clearer for you in many aspects of your life. Have you ever seen a therapist to help make sense of this?

    I learned a lot about myself through sex. I also get very turned on by choking. I think I even prefer it to sex. And I know exactly where it comes from. Choked off emotionally by my Dad, and now it's just a replay. Maybe the wanting to feel no control over your life is a replay from the rape? Maybe it goes back further and is even deeper than that.

    There is nothing wrong with getting pleasure from pain. Keep an open mind when exploring yourself and know that there is no right or wrong, things just are the way they are. Be honest with yourself. I've been turned on by things many other people would probably be disgusted with. But I realize that I have been through very heavy stuff, and I can look at it without judging it, seeing where it comes from, and allowing it to teach me about myself.

    This has always been one of the big topics in therapy for me. If you ever want to talk more about it PM me.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 20, 2008
  6. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    Without any trauma, I find pain [giving and receiving] and dominance [giving and receiving] to be far, far more pleasurable than anything else involved with sex.

    It's just boring without violence.
  7. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    Where do you draw the line to what's considered okay and what's considered dangerous and harmful? I don't have limitiations. I don't say stop. I don't say no more. I just don't. The more pain inflicted the better. The more marks left good. I just don't know what is too much and when I should be concerned
  8. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    Pleasure and pain are hard to tell apart. In terms of the biochemistry, your brain releases an opioid when you receive pain. This is why people like spicy food - it hurts them.

    I would stop when it becomes injurious. Marks that last a few days aren't a problem. I've been in non-pleasurable pain for days afterwards, but I don't think that's too much, since it's not long-term dangerous to me. If he breaks your arm to turn you on, you're getting into rather dangerous territory, but I don't think you should have to worry until you're considering going to a doctor.

    HOWEVER, if you feel this is emotionally linked [and it seems it could be], instead of the pleasure of receiving opium from your brain, or if you feel it's interfering with your sex life, you may want to see a psychiatrist about this, regardless of what's happening to your body.

    The important point is that you're not warped, and there's a lot of sadists out there [myself included] who would love to beat the shit out of you just to get off.

    As it happens, this is actually a topic that really enthuses me, so I'm sorry if I come on a little... weird.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 20, 2008
  9. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    I don't find that it would reach a point where bones would be broken. I would hope not. I don't know how to word things right now to accurately explain how it works with me. I can't explain how my mind ticks. I just know the more bruises or the more bite marks on me the more turned on I get. It reminds me that I'm not in control, that I have no choice in the matter. To me it's all about just letting go and letting some do as they please. I feel like a piece of meat anyways. I feel like all I'm good for is that pain and to apply the pleasure to the one giving me the pain. If I can please that person and still maintain the pain so I can feel then I'm happy. I test boundaries. I test limitations to see what I can get away with and what would cause a reaction that would get me more pain.

    I let people degrade me with actions and words. I let them make me feel like all I'm good for is that and part of me hates it b/c I want to be more than that but the other part of me loves it because I'm getting some attention.

    Who knows.
  10. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    This sounds a lot more pathological than just enjoying pain - the hating it part especially. What I'm talking about is thoroughly enjoyable, and limited just to sex, not generally part of my life, and not something I wish wouldn't happen.

    This does sound like an emotional problem, and you might want to see a psychiatrist about it.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 21, 2008
  11. Random

    Random Well-Known Member

    I wouldn't necessarily blame it on the rape. It's possible that masochism is just your nature and you didn't really know it before the rape. I'm a masochist myself and I don't think I ever realized it until maybe 10 years ago. I was never raped or harmed in any way. It just develops in some people.

    What I'm trying to say is maybe it's something like this -

    Let's say you like pain but you never knew it until you were in some kind of situation in which you encountered it and were unable to escape from it. It might seem to make sense to blame it on whatever situation you were in when you first noticed it but you probably were simply predisposed to masochism.

    Is it sick? Some people think so. But they tend to be very judgmental people. I think it's probably not a real problem unless you're really uncomfortable with it after having really examined it. Just be careful because it's a really dark area of human sexuality. A lot of people in the S&M community are good people but there are some real bad dudes out there.
  12. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    Thank you so much for that post. It makes me feel so much better. I am just really on edge about it because I just don't realize how far is too far. Thank you again for the post. :hug:
  13. abyss

    abyss Well-Known Member

    if you are ok with it, then its probably not a big problem. honestly, sexual turn-ons are soooo varied. my recommendation is to just be very careful in your choices of mates. best to have a partner who understands, and is supportive and cooperative in your desire to incorporate pain in sex. if they truly care about you, its unlikely they will take it too far. so even if you do not know your own boundries, they will set boundries out of love and care for you. there are people out there who would take advantage of that situation and abuse it. so please do be careful about who you involve yourself with, i'd hate for you to find the point where its no longer enjoyable and not have the option to say no.

    take care
  14. famous.last.words

    famous.last.words Forum Buddy


    I have never felt brave enough to admit it before, but i feel exactly the same as you have discribed. Especially the part about it being taken out of your hands. I dont seem to feel the guilt of enjoying it like that.

    Thank you for being open enought to discuss it, i never could of said anything on my own.
  15. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Some people just like rough sex. Others like it gentle. It doesn't make you weird or anything Kelly. Sorry to hear that you were raped when you were younger. I like a little pain too. Sometimes, I just grab my balls until they start hurting. It's better than cutting I guess. I guess we're not that different after all. :smile:
    Last edited: Sep 28, 2008
  16. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    The pain you inflict on your nutsack and the pain i let other inflict on me is completely different. We are not the same by any means. While you like to grab your nuts in what you consider pain and what I take in the form of pain is no comparison. I take belts to my legs until there are welts and bruises and marks that take weeks to disappear. The beatings I take to feel alive are nothing you could imagine. Your nut grabbing pales in comparison to the kind of pain I let people inflict on me physically and sexually all the while bound to a bed unable to stop it except by uttering one simple word I refuse to utter....

    so no dave we are still nothing alike.
  17. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    thank you famous. :hug: I'm glad some people can understand somewhat what I'm going through.
  18. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    My dad used to hit me with his belts when I got into trouble, so I know how that feels (ouch). I know you've said before that I shouldn't reply to your threads, but I'm trying to put our differences aside. I'm actually kind of worried that you enjoy being beaten up like that. What if you suffer permanent injury as a result? Also, does your new boyfriend know about your love for pain?
  19. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    I understand your want to put differences aside and I feel that's very big of you. Maybe I'm not that big a person, maybe I just can't do that at this time. I just don't feel and this is the truth inside my heart b/c I'm not up for lying..I just don't feel like you mean it. The beating up bit isn't like domestic/physical abuse. I think you might have them mixed up completely and entirely. My abuse stems from the BDSM world. The dom/sub side of things. Although it may be hard to understand or grasp because I know people think I'm such a bitch, but when it comes to the sexual side of my life Im a complete submissive. I don't like control, I like losing it. As for my permanant injury, they know what they are doing. They know what limits are and they know not to leave permanant damage. The paramaters are set up prior to a session. As for my new boyfriend...I don't have a boyfriend. We are merely seeing each other atm. We are merely dating. I don't have anyone serious, but just so you know he's in on it. How do you think I met him? Baking cookies? I met him through the bdsm lifestyle and we clicked both inside and out of the sexual aspect of things.

    I'm off to work. gotta put the sub back in the box and be put back in control
  20. famous.last.words

    famous.last.words Forum Buddy

    Thanks Kiana. :hug:

    I think the most important thing to remember is not to feel bad or guilty. It might not be what some may think of as "normal" (whatever the hell that means anyway!) but there is certainly nothing wrong with it.

    However, if its troubling you or causing you mental pain maybe its something that needs to be addressed. Sex is very often linked to are psyche (or is it, if freud floats your boat) and if this is causing you distress then you owe it to yourself to reach out.

    but if you ever wany to chat, PM me, i really mean it too. i may be a alot of things, but im not judgemental and ill never belittle you :hug: