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tw: suicidal thoughts

#1
I've been suicidal since I was 7 years old, had my first attempt at the age of 9. I haven't told many people that I'm suicidal, mostly because i don't want my gf to find out. I love her and all, but she's dealing with her own mental health issues and I don't want her to worry about me. Usually when I try to talk about how I feel she says she can't deal with it rn and "don't even start" so I guess I'm on here now.
I just really hate myself. I really do.
I'm a loser, I'm boring, I have no personality, my friends all probably hate me, I feel like I've wasted my life and I feel like everyone is making fun of me. I hate my own company and can't stand to be alone, I hate the sound of my own voice.
Sometimes I wonder why my gf is dating me, she's so out of my fucking league, she's cool, she's smart, she's hot, and frankly her and my bunny are the only reason I am yet to take my life.
This may sound really petty, and you're allowed to think that, hell, say it to my face idc. Just know this isn't the full story, there is so much I'm reluctant to share rn, and I guess I'm just venting.
I had a really horrible episode last night, my gf just joked about how I don't have a life and I exploded with fucking anger, I started screaming about how I thought I was worthless and wanted to die and then I threw a bunch of shit around.
I didn't know I was capable of such anger, I turned into a different person and it was scary.
 
#2
I'm a loser, I'm boring, I have no personality, my friends all probably hate me, I feel like I've wasted my life and I feel like everyone is making fun of me.
Maybe you're underestimating yourself
my gf just joked about how I don't have a life and I exploded with fucking anger, I started screaming about how I thought I was worthless and wanted to die and then I threw a bunch of shit around.
There may be an aspect of that that was good. It sounds like you've been holding in your anger for a long time
 
#3
Hey Brandi, sorry you’re having a tough time. I just wanted to say, as may71 said, that what you see of yourself might not be the truth. It does sound a lot of generalizing of yourself into only bad words, which I think does not mirror who you really are. I mean, you are not black and white; you can have made mistakes and feel that you’re not always doing the right thing, but that doesn’t allow you to automatically put yourself in the “I’m bad” box forever. I don’t know if this makes sense, in any case just wanted to show you some support.
Btw, you don’t have to worry about what you write and whether it is “petty” or not. We’re not here to judge what should not be thought or what is ok to think and say. As you said, we all come on this forum and share a speck of ourselves with our first post. It would preposterous if we generalized and gave our judgement of a person just like that (which, btw, we don’t do that here of our members).
Hope you have a better day. :)
 

Champagne

✯✯ Heart of an angel ✯✯
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#5
Hey there, it sounds like you have a lot of self esteem issues and a lack of confidence. Your girlfriend just might not be able to hear about your mental health issues incase it triggers her, possibly since she suffers with them too? Whatever the reason may be, I think its best you talk to a counsellor or your doctor about how you are feeling. They may have some great suggestions and coping mechanisms for the self esteem and anger issues.

Well done for coming on here and venting, that is a step forward, we are always here to listen.
 

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