Tweakers suck

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by VALIS, Oct 28, 2007.

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  1. VALIS

    VALIS Well-Known Member

    You know how they say that when you hate someone because you identify them as part of a larger group it's because of your own personal insecurities (ie: hating gays because you have unexplored homosexual urges yourself, hating people of other ethnicities because of jealousy or self-hatred or insecurity and need to identify yourself as superior....just hating people for any reason only happens because you have issues)

    Well i've realized that I hate tweakers. They're mad annoying. I just want to yell at them at a speed they can actually hear, a thousand words a second, Jesus you assholes why are you always losing your shit?? Before you put it down, make sure it's in a place you'll remember. Why can't you just sit down? Stop interrupting me. Don't be such a whore. I could never trust you with anything. If you don't stand for something you'll fall for anything. I don't care how cool you are you're just burning out and it's disgusting. Your skin is green and you look old.

    Yes I used to tweak. I spent 2 years or so chasing that dragon, constantly on a bomb one, just making friends and having crazy wild sex, dropping out of college, going out of my mind, partying and couch surfing in san francisco 400 miles away from anyone i knew for a year or so... great experiences but hey now my bipolar disorder is really showing itself...been sober for almost 2 years now but i'm still insane and will probably have to take meds for the rest of my life just to have the strength to get out of bed.

    but i met this chick and i don't usually get along with girls my own age...she was all stoked to be my friend because she couldn't find any cool girls to chill with. i was totally into it but then we hang out and i wonder why she can't stop talking and bringing up new ideas of things to do ("oh we could do this, or this, or lets do this, i'm going to light a fire, oh you can play the piano?? play the organ for me, lets go to the liquor store, lets go out to the bar")

    and i was a little confused especially because i was stoned and buzzin and a little tired from a long day, it was like damn girl just chill out, i haven't seen your fucking keys

    so after awhile she's like "cocaine is for fags but how do you feel about speed?" and then i think i just sat there, dumbfounded- I never thought a cool chick like that would be into meth but it was suddenly like looking straight into a mirror at myself three years ago...holy crap I felt totally broken inside. like a little kid. i wanted to cry, i was totally sad and felt all weak like i'd been misled.

    how do i get over this hatred. i am the most tolerant kind person you'll find per 5000 but when she called me to ask why i left so quickly i just wanted to tell her how ugly and gross tweakers were and how she should just go away, she was like a disease and i didn't want to ever see her again. but that woudln't accomplish anything

    i'm sorry guys this is just a vent. i don't know what i'm looking for from anyone else. how do i stop hating what i used to be? is this like a form of grieving? like first came the depression and now its the hatred for the drug that brought me down? why does it make me so angry to know she's off tweaking somewhere, calling me every weekend wanting to hang out, and i want to just tell her off? If somebody had called me a tweaker loser while i was high on meth maybe i would have quit sooner. maybe rock bottom would have come sooner....after all, the company i was keeping abandoned me (or rather, i pushed them away) when i got heavy into it, and i ended up spending time with people i hated and people who weren't nice to me because all i wanted to do was snort speed.

    what should i tell her that would help her? i'd rather help her than hurt her feelings by telling her what is running through my head (see above).
     
  2. sadsoul

    sadsoul Member

    Drugs put you through crazy experiences (god knows I've had many). You have every reason (and right) to hate anyone who is making the same mistakes you made. It sounds like you've come to terms with what you went through and that you don't want to go through it again (as much as the craving could still be evident). The further you put yourself from people who will have a negative impact on you actions, the better. Believe me, I've been there myself and have found that the more I distance myself from the people that made the same mistakes I had made, the less I made them again myself. Drugs are an amazing thing that both distort and expand your view of the world. More so than a person who has never done them. However, once you've gotten to the point where you have learned this lesson (and to me it sounds as if you have) there is no GOOD reason to use again. Think about when you came to terms with your situation and what ACTUALLY caused you stop using? I'm taking a guess here, but I'm assuming it was because you were ready to stop. Thats the only time someone will actually stop in my opinion. As hard as it may be, let her go. Believe it or not, your past the stage that girl is at; you know you are... no need to go back just to make sure.

    Btw, this is coming from someone an hour south of you, newport beach =)
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 30, 2007
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