twenty minutes ago....

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by broke, Mar 31, 2013.

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  1. broke

    broke Well-Known Member

    Wife told me she was going out (again), we had an argument she left. I grabbed a () and put it around my (). I was about blinked out when I intentionally forced myself out and took the () off of my (), and coughed hard for a couple minutes. As I felt consciousness receding, a wave of relief rushed through me. Zero regrets. But when it came clear that "it" was actually happening I had to stop it. Ya this was an attempt. I know now I'll never really go through with it. I want to live. I had my chance. I logged into the chat right away because I felt it was important to talk to people right away. Not necessarily about it, but to just interact a little. Funny how rage turns into incredibly deep despair. I am so tired of being either mad or depressed. I want to just walk away and be someone else and enjoy life.
     
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I'm really glad you're still alive, and I think it's good that you're online and talking to people. Even if you don't talk about what happened, you need the connection of being around people right now. Here if you feel like talking.
     
  3. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Glad that you had that realization. So very important. And very smart to come here. I am glad you are alive !!!!!
     
  4. broke

    broke Well-Known Member

    Thanks. I am not really sure I am glad I am alive though. Would be awesome if everyone got ONE total reset they could have in life where they get to start all over again with totally different people at the age of 18. To me, that kind of thing would be an indication of a merciful god rather than a cold, infinitely dead universe. The only mercy is what we show each other, and if not that of strangers than none at all, for far, far, too many of us.
     
  5. johnw

    johnw New Member

    I am glad you stopped on time. Reading your other posts, it seems like you could possibly try to solve the problem with your wife through some family-oriented therapy or perhaps even a divorce if nothing else works? Doesn't seem fair at all that your wife gets "all the fun" while you work so much, take care of your kids and do the housework. Perhaps you need some time to yourself, to relax and get to a better state of mind as well? It seems like you are under a lot of pressure and stress. Any chance of vacations soon? I am sorry things have been so difficult for you at home.
     
  6. broke

    broke Well-Known Member

    Thank you. Her getting to have all the fun doesn't really bother me so much as her outright rejection of her family and me. Getting away from her forever is really the only solution because she refuses to do ANYTHING that requires her to change anything about what she is doing. If I tried to get out as much her it would be a constant competition and fight against each other to get away from the family as much as possible. To me, that is n kind of life. Getting out once a week and being able to chill in front of the tv or computer a couple hours every other day is what I think should be more than enough for anyone.
     
  7. fatloser

    fatloser Banned Member

    Have you looked into divorce? Because from what you described, it sounds like your wife is a pretty selfish person, and I have gone through a similar thing with my ex wife. And to be honest, it isn't going to change. I think laying it out for her, and letting her know you are sick and tired of it and aren't going to put up with it with accomplish 2 things. She will know your try feelings and that you are serious if you file any necessary paperwork and get the ball rolling, which will cause he to reflect on what is important. If she really cares about you, maybe she will make an effort to change. If not, well you got your answer of where you stand in her eyes, and do you really want to be in that position where her going out is more important then being married to you? It is depressing, believe me I get it, because when you get married you think it is unconditional love. It isn't.
     
  8. broke

    broke Well-Known Member

    Everytime I totally emotionally disconnect from her and basically just ignore her she seems to start to turn around. I laid it out for her a few days ago, was pretty clear with her about what is happening on my end, and followed through. I am talking with my friends more and with her not at all. Basically she is out of my life and just sleeping here. Two days of that and she is acting like a new person. Now she is being affectionate and acting happy. I am still ignoring her lol. I hate to play games, I hate to always have to act like I don't care about her and to feed her just enough attention to tease her heart, but the second I really take her seriously and show that I need her for anything is the second she turns into the thing she has been acting like the last many months. She hasn't been out since I made the op in this thread, other than to run to the store. Today she is taking her grandmother to a doctors appointment. I don't really care though, I am making myself happy regardless of what she does. I am pretty much resolved to making a lady-friend and leaving, but I am not going to be dramatic about it, am not rushing it and am not doing it o a impulse. She is turning around and will have herself about turned around in a month or two, I just have to make sure to not like it or need it too much or she will relapse.

    She agreed to go to therapy. Next step is getting her to get help for her gambling problem. She is in total denial about that. I gotta fix me and she gotta fix her and maybe if we both can do that we can be together in some kind of way. But I am not counting on it. I am only counting on what I can do for myself and my kids. One day at a time and today is pretty good. :)

    ....what kills me is that she is still so beautiful. and though she is not so loving to the kids (not abusive, just not a huggy loving mom), she expresses her love on impulse and will out of the blue take a few days and transform one of their rooms into "a palace for a princess" or a "boys clubhouse", complete with a total physical rehab and painting of the room...I am talking she will totally replace the lowered ceiling and drywall with something she customized by hand for that theme, spend hours and hours and hours hand-painting elaborate, highly detailed murals on their walls and ceilings (she is an artist)...she is what she is I guess and I knew it from the start, and I do love that, I am just not sure I am the guy who can handle her or make the most of it. I am so retarded lol....I have these images in my mind, memories like photos...her with a steely look of determination, focused like a laser on what she is doing, her shirt speckled with paint, a blotch or two on her face, her hair pulled back with a strand or two falling over her face, and her radiant beauty which she is so totally unaware of. Don't worry, I know the wolf that dwells within that façade, yet the façade is also a part of the reality. None the less I still feel cold towards her.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 3, 2013
  9. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    maybe part of you still loves her. That means you are capable of love. Not a bad thing at all. I want to strongly disagree with something you said. you are not "retarted". Even if you changed the word to something similar i am going to disagree with you. You seem like a really nice guy who is trying to work through some pretty intense issues. Sometimes we can love some things about someone even when we know they are toxic for us. People are not black or white... good or bad. right? So it is a testiment to your heart that there still are aspects of her that you love. Although it may make it more difficult for you. Sometimes black or white can be easier to deal with.
     
  10. johnw

    johnw New Member

    Good news she agreed to go to therapy! What you said about ignoring her made me think of this - http://goo.gl/YB3vE - right away. :D Hope things will improve there.
     
  11. skinnylove911

    skinnylove911 Well-Known Member

    Have you told your mh team or crisis team what you have tried to do? Please call them as soon as you can.
     
  12. broke

    broke Well-Known Member

    Thank you so much. My love once given is unconditional. If she were a million miles away and it was over for real for good I would still love her on some level. I learned awhile ago that you have to love the whole person or not at all, because if it is only elements that you love than it is an illusion. This is painfully real. Ugh....having intense affection for parts of someone an then feeling bad about yourself when the other parts sting you...I think that can feed into, lead to some head-problems. The solution I think is to realize they are a whole person and the person feeling the love/pain isn't crazy.
     
  13. broke

    broke Well-Known Member

    lolz that is about it. The cliché "if you love something set it free.." has some truth. She is going to some lengths to get me to interact with her at all, and though I can't jump on the bait, I also can't take too much pleasure in watching her twitch. That would be petty ;)
     
  14. broke

    broke Well-Known Member

    I have no such things.
     
  15. skinnylove911

    skinnylove911 Well-Known Member

    what aboutm letting your gp know and he/she can arrange her for you or at least ring someone in your family/friends.
     
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