Twilight of the Idols

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Carcinogen, Jun 20, 2008.

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  1. Carcinogen

    Carcinogen Well-Known Member

    Nowhere to go, nowhere to turn. No point, no future. I'm going home to an empty house where nobody cares if I live or die, including me. My father has stopped me from using the internet, or even a computer, so I can get no support, and cannot distract myself. I need to be able to distract myself even more now as I have 6 weeks of holiday, alone with my thoughts. But I can't. I cannot ring people and tell them all my bullshit, I just refuse. I'm sure they all have their problems as well. I have most likely just failed all of my exams, and to my immense shame, I struggled with a question on Nietzsche. If I screwed that one up, I should be shot. I have nothing, and I slip into twilight where I see everything clearly but do not participate, where there is nothing but the inevitable slide into total darkness. I don't know what to do, and I have nothing.

    I don't even have the words to express this in a way which does not sicken me when I see the weakness of what I write. I have only ten minutes, and then I am going home, where there is a total communication void and nothing to distract myself from thoughts of just how easy it is to stop thinking for ever, that it only requires the death of my physical body to leave my mind behind forever.

    Is this my time to go? I want to come back to this forum but I fear I must leave, as I have no internet. Maybe one day I will be able to return, maybe I will be able to grab a few minutes of internet time to distract myself. Maybe I will never be able to come back.

    Please excuse this rant, I just don't know what to do...
  2. TheWr0ngChild

    TheWr0ngChild Well-Known Member

    Hey. Sorry to hear this. You can always join a library, they are nice calm and quiet places that allow internet access as much as you need, you just have to book it first. If you need to get online and have some time out of home, this would be a good idea. It dosen't cost to use library internet usualy and most libraries are open into the evenings nowerdays.

    May I ask why your dad is doing this?
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Sorry things feel so entangling...take a break from your usual thinking and ask yourself what someone else would do in your position...go to a library, an internet cafe, etc....find something to do for the 11 weeks that will help you to feel better about yourself (this truly is your preference...for me it is drawing, writing poetry, and a mani/pedi)...see if you can challenge yourself to use the time to get something other philosophers...just my 2 sense, J
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