Twisted thinking

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by MoAnamCara, Jan 30, 2013.

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  1. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I've often thought I'd go back to the hell I lived in, rather than going through what I am currently. Both are hellish but completely different. At least at that time I could "go away" in my mind. Perhaps that's not so good because I tend to do so now anyhow. Anyhow it's stupid thinking but again, I'd put myself through all of that crap rather than be as I am now. Yes, I said it was twisted.

    I'd also like to find the two scumbags and shove a torpedo where the sun doesn't shine.

    And finally, I'd really like to get past childhood stuffs.

    S much fucking shame. Years and years later and still dealing with it. Well thanks a fucking lot, you've no idea what you did to me.

    No response necessary, just thinking aloud as I'm over ruminating about it all internally.
  2. Jaimeisbroken

    Jaimeisbroken Well-Known Member

    I know you said, "no response necessary" but I hope it is okay that I make a reply.

    That feeling isn't as twisted or uncommon as you might think. Sometimes when we are safe and we still feel bad, we look for someone to blame for the bad way we feel. We convince ourselves that we shouldn't feel this way and that there has to be something wrong with us. We rationalize it by convincing ourselves that there is no other explanation for the bad way we feel other than it being our fault. This causes us to feel guilty, but such a big part of us knows that feeling guilty is also irrational. Our mind in turn looks for ways to shift that guilt and shame that we feel toward ourselves back onto the people who hurt us, the very people who deserve the guilt and the shame. Sometimes we want to shift that blame and shame so hard that we would rather accept the pain we lived when we were being hurt because in that moment we had a very clear and physical understanding of who was guilty and who should be ashamed. We could see, hear, feel, taste, and touch the people who should really own the guilt. There is a bit of peace that comes from knowing exactly where to send out our anger to and when those who did us harm are there with us we have such a clear target to send our anger to. Living with the after affects of the pain causes us to internalize the anger in misguided directions and often it feels like our emotions have no where to escape to.

    Trust me, I understand what you are feeling; I feel it myself.

    I hope it was okay that I commented.
  3. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thank you for your words, I do appreciate it.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Just want to hug you hun and say sorry you are suffering so much hugs
  5. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thanks TE, you are a special person.

    I'm ok.
  6. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Am back in this swirling place of thoughts and memories and being unsure of things and being unable to think & talk and process anything. It just puts me in an uncomfortable place, very uncomfortable. Heart racing, shallow breaths, feeling scared and on edge and unsure and fuzzy and numb and spacy and i don know what. been here and not here tonight. Just lost in whereever I've been, my mind I mean. Hate myself for this. In and out of reality and stuck. Scared. Can't handle this.
  7. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    And this silence is worst of all. It validates my internal struggles with trying to get any of this out. Super!
  8. BornFree

    BornFree Well-Known Member

    Not sure if you want to hear from me or not... Your eloquence is inspiring... You put words to others pain & in your despair you are still giving... Thank you. There are no words... Words are not enough no words can compensate but please know you are valued as a person & many many here care... :hug:
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