twisted thoughts

[MoAnamCara]

i'm tired. we are all tired around here. so what gives me the right to complain, to think I am more needing than others? because thats what it comes down to. I need the attention here, I need the caring here. Its wrong, so wrong of me and i apologize to you all. irl my contacts are pretty slim, I am odd i guess as my relationship development has been little recently. of course working 60-80 hours a week will do that to you over time. but irregardless of that, its a pattern, its my pattern. i want to have my space yet i want people to care. it hurts me a lot to see so many sad folks here, so many with so much promise but feeling disillusioned and (wrongly) worthless etc.

so in saying that, what am i looking for? how and why is it morally right or fair for me to expect everyone here come running once I post, once i bear yet another part of myself?

its always that thought of being rescued. Which really goes against me. im independant, or used to be, so its a little odd that i want rescued. but i think thats what it is. and now in watching me lose that person that did rescue me at one point and who has protected me, watching me lose them is heartbreaking. watching and experiencing losing "us" is just as heartbreaking.

i am sick and tired of me. i think thats the bottom line. i wish in one way that i didnt' stop what i started the other night. but nope, i couldnt go ahead and go through and finish it.

selfish, selfish, selfish. im over me, so over me. i tried to tell someone that needed to be told today about the other night, but i couldnt, I just couldnt. i admitted some other things like sh.

is that just because im looking for attention too? yet the anxiety and internal turmoil isn't imagined. it hurts, inside, its like an unrelenting ache. An ache which will likely only cease when and if i can do this.

i wonder why folks dont see my pain. even today, werethey aware of me and what i was feeling, i mean really feeling - not just what i was saying? i suppose it doens't make a difference really.

ugh, sorry

 

[*sparkle*]

hey

its not wrong to need something :hug: you're NOT selfish - please don't ever think that because that isn't what other people think of you... i see you as a caring person who is kind, yet hurting and vulnerable. there is nothing wrong with that and there is nothing at all wrong with reaching out. im always pleased to see you around the forum. whether you're having a good day or a bad day - it is always good to see you posting and i feel honoured to know you - even slightly :hug:

 

[MoAnamCara]

Thanks Sparkle - I tried to respond to your visitor msg, but I can't. But thanks.

There is so much self questioning going on right now, I try to quieten the mind and when it seems I have managed to do so, it winds up again to full speed. I know I have to keep distracted if I can, engaged also - to avoid going "there". But sometimes the thoughts just come out of left field, both sui & flashbacks. I don't understand why or how they can fit into my mind or why they are coming out when there many more important things that should be taking precedence. I can be honest and say I am struggling to cope. Its fine to admit that, but I can't keep on this path.

And of course, I get upset with myself for being this way. For wasting so much space here, for posting too much stuff about me. Its like i'm cheating on myself in some wierd way. I know that sounds odd, but its not me. Ugh, as Ive said - it is what it is. Only I can change the path i'm on, I know this, I'm not sure that I can tbh.

 

[Acy]

You're not selfish...you're hurting. And have very real reasons for hurting. I wish it were otherwise for you. :hug: Everyone here as much "right" as anyone else to ask for support. It's good that you can reach out, and as *sparkle* said, I'm honoured to know you even slightly.

Why do the flashbacks and thoughts hit when other things "should" take precedence? "Should" sounds like there's an internal judge sitting on your shoulder. I think it's quite normal for our minds flit from one painful thing to another, to block out something that may be even more painful. And sometimes, a feeling/thought about one thing, triggers another. Perhaps it's like a swift waterfall: The water drops (feelings) on the outer curtain are the ones we know about, but they are covering a huge rush of drops (feelings) behind them. That kind of swift, rushing force is very difficult to withstand, so please be gentle on yourself.

Thinking of you. :hug:

 

[MoAnamCara]

Thank you Acy...

I agree re the internal judge, you are quite correct.

And I have felt like I've been drowning this week, your words again were spot on.

Thank you so much for your good wishes. Please take care of yourself.