i'm tired. we are all tired around here. so what gives me the right to complain, to think I am more needing than others? because thats what it comes down to. I need the attention here, I need the caring here. Its wrong, so wrong of me and i apologize to you all. irl my contacts are pretty slim, I am odd i guess as my relationship development has been little recently. of course working 60-80 hours a week will do that to you over time. but irregardless of that, its a pattern, its my pattern. i want to have my space yet i want people to care. it hurts me a lot to see so many sad folks here, so many with so much promise but feeling disillusioned and (wrongly) worthless etc.
so in saying that, what am i looking for? how and why is it morally right or fair for me to expect everyone here come running once I post, once i bear yet another part of myself?
its always that thought of being rescued. Which really goes against me. im independant, or used to be, so its a little odd that i want rescued. but i think thats what it is. and now in watching me lose that person that did rescue me at one point and who has protected me, watching me lose them is heartbreaking. watching and experiencing losing "us" is just as heartbreaking.
i am sick and tired of me. i think thats the bottom line. i wish in one way that i didnt' stop what i started the other night. but nope, i couldnt go ahead and go through and finish it.
selfish, selfish, selfish. im over me, so over me. i tried to tell someone that needed to be told today about the other night, but i couldnt, I just couldnt. i admitted some other things like sh.
is that just because im looking for attention too? yet the anxiety and internal turmoil isn't imagined. it hurts, inside, its like an unrelenting ache. An ache which will likely only cease when and if i can do this.
i wonder why folks dont see my pain. even today, werethey aware of me and what i was feeling, i mean really feeling - not just what i was saying? i suppose it doens't make a difference really.
ugh, sorry
so in saying that, what am i looking for? how and why is it morally right or fair for me to expect everyone here come running once I post, once i bear yet another part of myself?
its always that thought of being rescued. Which really goes against me. im independant, or used to be, so its a little odd that i want rescued. but i think thats what it is. and now in watching me lose that person that did rescue me at one point and who has protected me, watching me lose them is heartbreaking. watching and experiencing losing "us" is just as heartbreaking.
i am sick and tired of me. i think thats the bottom line. i wish in one way that i didnt' stop what i started the other night. but nope, i couldnt go ahead and go through and finish it.
selfish, selfish, selfish. im over me, so over me. i tried to tell someone that needed to be told today about the other night, but i couldnt, I just couldnt. i admitted some other things like sh.
is that just because im looking for attention too? yet the anxiety and internal turmoil isn't imagined. it hurts, inside, its like an unrelenting ache. An ache which will likely only cease when and if i can do this.
i wonder why folks dont see my pain. even today, werethey aware of me and what i was feeling, i mean really feeling - not just what i was saying? i suppose it doens't make a difference really.
ugh, sorry