twisted

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by MoAnamCara, Mar 18, 2012.

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  1. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    a total mess today. my thoughts include doing something in the next couple of days so that i can go with her and while some family are here. save them the cost of another trip. i dont know if i can. iw ish i could. i cant do this, go through these next few days, everyone looking at me, asking stupid questions and being told stupid cliches. im not sure i can do life. i dont know what to do. pathetic
     
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    You can and you will get through this. I know out won't be easy. There really is nothing I can say to make things better a you know. Right now you need time. Time to grieve, time to heal. It won't be overnight. Lean on those around you that love you. Lean on us here. I wish there were more I could do or say, but all I can really do is offer a listening ear in support should you need it. Please take care and stay safe. :hug:
     
  3. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    I agree - please take as much time as you need to use your support systems.....it is okay to grumble here, even more with the things being thrown at you as of late....sending out positive vibes. :hug:
     
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I do know how it feels to want to skip many days because I thought the pain would be unbearable...somehow, we get through...we hold on to people who care and know that helps enough to breathe...it is so understandable to feel that way...this just happened...the event you feared...do not concern yourself with what others will think or say...they usually do not know what to do, and even if not ill intended, sound like they are saying things that have no meaning...but you will also be surprised, that in the middle of the chatter will be someone, something, that makes sense....this is the time to be compassionate to yourself...you deserve it and if it is not immediately there, ask for it from others...and for what it counts, know I am here and that Brooklyn grows very strong people, so do not concern yourself about taking from me...and you also know you have a place to escape...just down the road a bit (or more than a bit but less than a real lot) there is a 16 pound cat and a warm kettle of chicken soup waiting...you will be in my thoughts and prayers
     
  5. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    It seems as the time goes by today, things feel worse. This actual physical pain inside of me. I think I should go.
     
  6. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Sweetie, as the shock and numbness wear off, reality sets in. It is normal that as this happens you will feel worse. You need to give yourself time for everything to be absorbed. The first few weeks are the toughest. After that it comes in waves. At times you are okay and at times grief slams you. It may not go away but the times of that extreme grief will become further apart. You are not in the mental condition to make any decisions right now. I have often mulled those thoughts over in my mind. Right now you must concentrate on taking things one moment at a time. The more moments you make it through, the more you realuze you can make through. Time is your friend whether it seems like it or not.
     
  7. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    We are here for you Mo.
    This pain is raw as yet and things will slowly get better, I am sure.
    Would she want you to follow now, or at the end of a long life?
     
  8. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I am sorry to have worried anyone. I am fine. You please need to put your energies to a better use. I deeply apologize.

    Please never worry. As the title says I am twisted. All will be fine.
     
  9. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    You are not twisted, you are not fine and you are hurt, and that is absolutely understandable.
    You deserve our help.
     
  10. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Mo please hold on....minute by minute if you have to
    that's how we get through the grief

    don't look too far ahead and take care of yourself
    remember to breathe and get rest, drink and eat
    lean on the people there for you....and us
    it's ok to ask for help...grief is overwhelming
    It can also give you strength you never thought possible
    :hug: :console:
     
  11. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    As closely as anyone can be to your situation, I think what you are going through is the most painful that a person can experience. And I know well the feelings of being abandoned, and cheated, loving and wanting to be with her, to never be alone or separated. But we make it, a second at a time, not really living, just existing. We become our loved one's memorial. Who better to pass on their better habits and traits, to show the world the best of what existed of them? A piece of granite is just a rock, but there can actually be part of their spirit and soul that does carry on.
    Not so many months ago, I faced the same question, and I remember a similar conversation that went on between the same two people. One of the thoughts that came to me is "Am I really a product of fifteen years of Alesia's love? Did I absorb her sweet manner, and relish her warm, kind ways, only to end it with an ugly act of violence?"
    I don't think the temptation will ever be completely gone, and 2 years later, I'm not yet who I will be, but I will let the world know through my actions, that Alesia was here and she lived, and she was a wonder and a sparkle of sunlight from child to woman. And that she was kind, and gentle, and patient. And I knew it all was true because I was there.
     
  12. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thank you all kindly.

    1Lefty - you are definitely reflecting the personality of Alesia AND your own personality. You have been a great support to me and for that I am eternally grateful.

    Sadeyes - I sincerely appreciate your concern and your call. I don't remember anything about it unfortunately for reasons I don't wish to share, but thank you from the bottom of my heart. It is now time to give to yourself. And if you wish to care for others, of course, but just not me. okay?

    Windle - Sorry but I disagree regarding twisted thinking. I don't know, she may actually wish for me to follow her now.

    Gentlelady - thank you for your kindness, without knowing me. That, to me, shows what a wonderful person you are.

    Speedy - as always - thank you for caring.

    IV - hugs to you, I don't wish to upset you by my words/experiences. Thank you, also, for caring.

    Tonight it is hard. I am again trying to figure out a way out. Wondering if I can go through with it. Do I take all at once or how does that work. I am pretty sure the mix of things would work. Yes, it scares me to be thinking this way so quickly. I think that alcohol is needed also. Much alcohol to rinse all down with.

    But, I won't do this. Again, I plead and repeat to you all - kindly do NOT worry. Please look after yourselves and your loved ones. Please know that I aappreciate all of your caring. And I have appreciated the compassion I have experienced here.

    I will be fine. Take care of yourselves & thank you.
     
  13. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Mo you are one of our loved ones :console:
     
  14. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    This. Mo, This;

    Everything IV has said. If you could print it out as a wallet card or to put next to your mirror and your pc and your bed. If i had ink, I would do the same. Perhaps we should both write it out.

    It's minute by minute
    breath by breath
    step by step, pausing to lean on others
    remembering to keep a water bottle handy, to not dehydrate
    to give one's self permission to rest, to just be and breathe...just keep breathing *tears* I know it's hard

    to reach out...to just connect with someone, just tell someone, ramble. you don't have to make sense, it's not about making sense
    but sweetie, reach out to someone, not to the some-things (put those away) I know there is comfort to be found there but if you try people out, there is much more comfort in another's arms, in connecting with someone who knows...it helps us to keep from being alone in this darkness which threatens us with false promises(i still cannot do this one, i struggle, fail, and try again) keep reaching and trying ((hug))

    i too must try to remember to do these things (((hug))) as simple as they seem, at times they are monumental and draining.

    you offer me some hope, when i see you still fighting, i deeply breathe and I too try again if only for a moment, and i realize i'm not as alone as i feel, as i believe myself to be...and you, you, are not as alone as it feels...just remember to turn around to look up, to see these people who care about you ((hug)) keep that connection...don't walk away


    much love to you ((((gentle hugs))))
     
  15. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Help. How to ask for it when u don't know what u need help with and you really don't want to admit that u need help in the first place? Sorry this doesn't make sense. I dunno what, how, who, when, where.
     
  16. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    help _ one thing that I found true for myself only, was to admit needing help (not an easy thing to do when I had been the 'Helper"). just conversations with trusted friends, like that poem you gave me a while back, I had to assume (naturally #1) was grief, anger, how hard to say goodbye,feeling cheated for myself of being deprived of years with Alesia, outrage at HER being cheated of more time with friends and loved ones, rage, confusion, emptiness, loneliness (for some reason I really did not want to admit this). Those are a few I experienced right off the top of my head, if you choose to make a list of them, and cross off ones that don't apply, you may find others I either forgot to put on the list or did not experience them.
    If you meet someone who claims all grievers suffer the same, summon up all your rage and hit them. This has nothing to do with you, it is for their betterment and enlightenment so they don't repeat such asinine statements in the future. The generalized term "grief" or "mourning" covers many emotions for varying degrees for each of us.

    You do not have to ask for help, it is assumed, this is a time where we all need help. All that has to be done is to be prepared to receive it. I (or you) may have been in positions where we were required to constantly perform at a superhuman level. That was dealing with the exterior world. I needed everything I had just to deal with the internal world and (injury to my pride) someone else could play superhuman for the outside world for a while.

    I wish you the best, I will assist you to the point you will allow me. Others have helped me in ways I can never repay, but I can try. (((hugs)))

    And I apologize in advance if I have misunderstood, or misspoken, or in any way offended, it was not my intention.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 19, 2012
  17. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    You deserve support and help. People here will give it to you where they can.
     
  18. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    well said with the experience of someone who's been there Lefty! apparently it is a worldwide assumption that all grief is the same...those experiencing it know it's not!

    things that happen in grief/grieving don't make sense and they don't have to Mo..
    It's however you feel...and that's ok

    you must try to be selfish now and look after yourself, insist on what you need and want and listen to your instincts for what it takes to survive.
    reach out and accept the love and support of those you trust / want to help you.
    you have the power to keep your loved ones memory alive by being here and sharing with others

    I understand you are in the worst possible place you can be and need lots of tender loving care...
    I wish I could help more..
    are you able to concentrate on giving your loved one the finest send off possible for now?
    I know that helped me cope in those early days.

    i just wish there were words to fix your pain Mo but there isn't....
    the amount of pain we feel with the loss of a loved one amounts to the degree of love we feel for them
    please take care and know we're here for you :hugs:
     
  19. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I apologize for being selfish.

    I keep saying sorry to my one for letting her down.

    I don't if I'm doing the right thing re the funeral.

    I am tired of those people who left her life years ago and now are full of remorse and expect me to comfort them.

    I feel lost.

    I don't know how to get through the next couple of days.

    I have no answers for a lot of things right now.

    I think I'm sure I want out. I need the courage to do so. I don't think I can move forward.

    I am so sorry. My friends here - look after yourselves. Thank you for everything.
     
  20. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    If you feel lost, and not sure how you're getting through the next few days, how would you feel about setting up a phone list of folks to call or text if things get gritty? A lot of us would like to try to de-stress you (to the extent that can happen under the circumstances)I guess another way of saying we care and want to help if we can,
     
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