Two attempts in the last fortnight

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by Aleth, Aug 21, 2008.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Aleth

    Aleth Well-Known Member

    I am feeling frustrated and desperate.

    My two attempts to poison myself in the last fortnight have both failed. I tried ingesting a massive amount of a certain, extremely rare, and reputedly deadly poisonous plant. I reached the stage where I was so weakened by the poison I could barely move, but never reached the next level where you are supposed to fall into a coma and die of resperatory failure.
    At least it was a fairly safe method, the poison eventually wears off if with no nasty side effects.
    I guess the plants were just not poisonous enough, and I've now also exhausted the whole stand, so I cannot try again.

    I just don't know what to do now. I can't think of another peaceful way to die, only more drastic methods like drowning or (if I travel to another country) jumping from a height.

    I can't face life anymore. When I thought I was going to die, I felt nothing but relief.

    I don't know what the point of making a post here is. I'm not meaning to discuss methods -- I've tried to keep it all pretty vague. But I've told no-one about what is happening with me, and I wanted to get it off my chest.
  2. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    :hug: don't worry you kept the post vague enough :smile:

    I'm sorry you felt the need to try to kill yourself but I am very glad that you didn't succeed.

    Do you want to tell us what made you attempt?
  3. Aleth

    Aleth Well-Known Member

    Life has been one trial after the next. I guess, I've just been pushed far beyond what I can handle. I don't know how I could possibly get a grip on things now, death seems like the only option.

    My belief system has also completely collapsed. Life just seems pointless. We are born, we live, we die. What does it matter if I die now, or live another 50 and die. Either way, the end is the same. There seems to be no point in prolonging life just to play out the days in endless misery.

    Anyway, I just wanted to take some poison, go to sleep and not wake up. I had very few qualms about doing it, although I still collapsed into tears.

    Killing myself in a violent manner is much harder. But there doesn't seem to be any other option right now. I just need to escape somehow.
  4. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Please don't try to kill yourself again Aleth. Reclaim your life instead and try to get better. You're right in that we all must die at some point, but your time of death has not yet arrived. You have to keep on living my friend. Please don't give up. :hug:
  5. Aleth

    Aleth Well-Known Member

    "Reclaim your life" . . . its surprising how much I recoil from that thought. Simply because it seems to overwhelmingly impossible.
    I guess, to use an analogy, I feel like I've been cast adrift at sea, and have struggled to stay afloat, but exhaustion has set in, my arms have no more strength, and I will soon slip beneath the waves. How do you find strength to swim to shore, when you have none?
    Emotional strength like physical strength is finite. Noone is strong enough to struggle forever.
  6. Samantha

    Samantha Well-Known Member


    I have so many problems my PC is corrupted etc, are you on mood stabilisers lithium antidepressants??
  7. Aleth

    Aleth Well-Known Member

    No, I'm not on any medication.
    I can't really see how they would help, they do not solve any real problems, only give you an artificial boost.
  8. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Sometimes we need that boost and it isn't neccesarily artificial. Feelings of depression which contribute to suicidal thoughts may be brought on by chemical imbalances in the brain. Getting the brain chemistry back in control is not that much different than controlling insulin for a diabetic or taking antibiotics for bacterial infections. I am glad your attempts were not successful. I do hope you will consider seeking medical attention that may potentially turn your life around. There are no guarantees, but the options should not be overlooked.
  9. purplefizz

    purplefizz Senior Member

    The artificial boost is just one part of the process. The other part is therapy helping you get better. But if the pills take the suicidal feelings away, they're worth it.

    I'm glad you didn't succeed in your attempts. I feel a lot like you when thinking about the meaining of life, well, lack of meaning. As you said, what does it matter if you die now or in another 50 years? So why not just live out the next 50? They don't have to be in misery.
  10. Aleth

    Aleth Well-Known Member

    I guess I could try medication. Its hard to push myself to go to the doctor and ask for help.

    "So why not just live out the next 50?" . . . Life feels unbearable, hopeless. The thought of struggling through years, decades of, <this> is absolutely terrifying. I feel desperate to escape, to slip away, find some relief in oblivion. There is also the feeling, that the future can only bring decay, that you become less than you are now.

    Life seems like a struggle in futility. It would be nice to believe in something, that all of this had some purpose and meaning.

    I'm not suicidal because of an existential crisis ... I would happily plod along if life was generally fine. But its just a mess, a mountain of problems. I can't see a way through, and I can't endure it as it stands indefinitely.

    I don't even know why I'm posting on this forum. I don't know what I want. Perhaps just soothing. The last weeks have been traumatic and I haven't spoken to anyone I know about it. My suicidal feelings and attempts have all been in secret.
  11. Dark~ness

    Dark~ness Member

    Hi Aleth :hug:

    Like the others, I am glad you didn't succeed in your attempts. Although, I also understand how you are feeling. I don't really have any advice to give you, I wish I did. I really feel for you right now, and can relate to it. My life is just one big struggle, and I can't bare the thought of living like this for a second longer - I'm holding on with everything I have, but it is hard. Sometimes life throws so much at you, we would struggle to handle one of the things that's going on - but when it throws a lot at once, it's just too much... I know it maybe doesn't feel like it right now, but somewhere deep inside you, you have an inner strength. Hold on... you never know what's round the corner. Things change all the time, as do feelings. Please don't give up. People here understand how you're feeling. We're all on this journey together :hug:

    D x
  12. Aleth

    Aleth Well-Known Member

    Thanks for your kind words.
    I am really struggling to hold on. The <mod edit: no details please> would have been an easy way out, I was surprised it failed, esp. since I took double and then triple of what experts say is a fatal dose.
    Since then I've just felt lethargic. I don't want to do anything, except blot out the day in sleep.
    I collected some heavy stones, thinking to leap into the river and drown.
    Although right now, I'm lacking the motivation. That type of death is more frightening, which gives restraint.
    There is also nothing to trigger me right now. Life is simply dead. Nothing much is happening, there are no heavy stresses or external pressures.
    But I kind of expect something will come along soon and push me over that edge.

    The thought does pass of going to my doctor and telling him I'm suicidal. But the motivation is lacking. It seems like such a futile gesture.
    At the same time, there is really no reason not to try, I guess. Except for the lack of will to take that step, and the shame of it, as well.
    I just don't know. Life is just exhaustion and indecision.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 31, 2008
  13. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member

    Hi Aleth :hug:

    I just want to echo what has already been said by the others. I am sorry you are feeling so low at the moment but I am glad your attempt failed. I can relate to a lot of what you have said.

    I know you are not keen on meds, neither am I but sometimes even a small dose can help. I think your biggest hurdle atm is going to your doctor & telling them how you're feeling. They will only give you meds if they think they will be of benefit & you will be closely monitored on them too. But as well as prescribing you meds they can also support you & refer you to counsellors/psychology/psychiatry if needed.

    Often the hardest part is actually gaining the confidence to make the appointment, more often than not during your appointment your fears go away.

    I hope you can get the help you need professionally & also on here if it helps.

    Take care & keep safe :hug:
  14. Aleth

    Aleth Well-Known Member

    Yes, taking that step is very hard. I don't want to go to the doctor, so forcing myself to do it is a real struggle. In theory, I could get up and make an appointment right at this very moment, and yet I don't.

    Life also has a way of throwing things at you at the oddest of times. I attempted to kill myself Monday last week, and then the next day heard from my half-sister telling me my mother had just had a nervous breakdown after breaking up with her father. So this last week I've had to throw myself into a supportive role. Its a really strange situation.
    I guess more than anything else, that really ties my hands. It was easier to kill myself believing the rest of the family were all pretty happy, so they would be able to handle my death. Now I feel a strong responsibility to restrain myself. But I do despair that no-one in the family has even noticed that I'm in such a crisis.
    Living in Europe far from home doesn't help. When family don't see you face to face its easier to hide your depression from them. And I think the most I've ever said was something vague about "feeling unhappy" once.
  15. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member

    I can relate to a lot of what you have said Aleth. My friends & family don't know anything about my depression but I often think surely you must realise that there is something wrong with me. I mean if someone I cared about acted the way I did then I would be the 1st to question it. But then I guess not everyone thinks the way I do. It must be difficult for you staying away from home & the pressure that you feel trying to support your Mum through her troubles as well as your own must be very overwhelming at times. You're right when you say it's a strange situation, I've been there & more often than not I feel like there has been a role reversal between my Mum & I!

    It took me many years before I plucked up the courage to go see my Doctor & even then it took a few months before I received any proper help/support. Like you say it's easy enough to make an appointment, I've made plenty but keeping them is the thing I struggle with. Even now I have days where I think what's the point in going to see them but I figure I have nothing more to lose so I go anyway.

    If you don't feel you can seek professional help atm then please keep sharing your feelings with us.

    Take care :hug:
  16. Aleth

    Aleth Well-Known Member

    It does make you feel rather insignificant. I guess some of us are good at masking these things.

    Funnily enough I went and saw a psychiatrist last summer. I was borderline suicidal at the time, but went under the pretext of wanting to deal with an anxiety problem.
    I never mentioned to the psych that I was suffering from depression or suicidal feelings, and he never actually picked up on it.
    I only saw him 3 times in the end. He said counselling probably wouldn't help much with my anxiety and referred me to some sort of support group. But I didn't follow up on it, at that point I just gave up on it.
  17. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    How have you been doing Aleth?
  18. Aleth

    Aleth Well-Known Member

    Its still very hard. Two weeks today since the last attempt.
    But something has changed.

    I figured out I have three choices:
    1. Procrastinate with indecision;
    2. Kill myself.
    3. Seek help.

    I have been trapped with indecision for most of the last year, and its paralyzed my ability to make any decisions about anything.
    Except for last month, when I attempted to kill myself.

    I guess I have just accepted that I cannot resolve my conflicting desires -- I want to die and I want to live. And it doesn't matter how much I think about them over and over, I'm going to be stuck.

    So, the only thing to do was remove option 1, procrastination, and start making some decisions. The only thing I'm really able do is decide to follow two contradictory paths. I can't just stop myself being suicidal.

    Anyway, I gave myself an ultimatum today : drown myself tonight or make a doctor's appointment. I chose the doctor, which was not something I wanted to do at all, but my will to kill myself today weighed less on the scale.
  19. shazzer

    shazzer Well-Known Member

    I hope you keep the doctors appointment and that you find it helpful. I'm glad your still with us
  20. Aleth

    Aleth Well-Known Member

    I did, it was this afternoon. It was really hard, I was a bundle of nerves and it felt like I was dragging myself to do something I really didn't want to or even think was that great of an idea. In the end I just decided to do and not think to much about the consequences.

    They move pretty fast here, I have an appointment with a psych tomorrow. Its kind of weird doing this all in a foreign country, but at least people don't seem to mind speaking English.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.