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Two days ago

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by French, Sep 25, 2013.

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  1. French

    French New Member

    Howdy so I mentioned this in my introductory post too, I nearly attempted suicide two days ago and am still feeling suicidal today. I laid in my bed all day and I know that's really not good for me but trying to read or do anything is hard. I can't pay attention to things very well. I've made my life into a very complex and terrifying hell, it's all in my head but I can't control it anymore. (I am aware of how stupid that sounds--obviously I can control it I am just not trying hard enough)

    I used to be a very high achiever and very wise. I made a few mistakes early in college that could have been easily amended but I chose to give up even though I was aware of how easy it was to change my major and I knew happiness was a choice. I haven't been able to forgive myself for it because it still affects every part of my life. I pretended like my life wasn't happening and all of the amazing opportunities for all of my dreams to come true passed me by...I could have easily been on my way to becoming a famous musician right now. Now I have loans to pay back from getting a degree that I am ashamed to have finished in the first place, and I live with this person who yells all the time, and the worst part is I know I did this to myself. So I am just getting what I deserve I guess. I am really really sorry.

    I used to have actual problems when I was younger, so it doesn't make any sense why I would be so stupid. I love being happy. I was very fortunate to have made it to college with scholarships and have a study abroad opportunity. I have been fortunate all my life actually. I'm not sure what went wrong. But there were a few big mistakes I made to get here and now I feel trapped like there is no way out.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 25, 2013
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I nearly attempted suicide two days ago and am still feeling suicidal today.

    There is no limit as to how long you will feel suicidal before or after an attempt. Don't think there is something wrong because you do feel that way.

    I've made my life into a very complex and terrifying hell, it's all in my head but I can't control it anymore. (I am aware of how stupid that sounds--obviously I can control it I am just not trying hard enough)

    We have all made our lives what they are. But we haven't done it all alone. Others have contributed to the thoughts and feelings we have about ourselves. They too are responsible for how we see our self. Anybody that says that isn't so, is full of sh*t and/or themselves. Obviously, they have never felt suicidal or suffered from low self-esteem and confidence in their own abilities. So no, you don't sound stupid. There isn't a single other person on this planet that can control how they think or feel 24/7. I'd have to say you're using up a lot of your energy just staying safe right now. Seeking some help right now. And you're probably real tired right now. So give yourself a break about worrying what others may think or feel about what you (in their opinion) should be able to do right now. You're alive and here talking about it...more than enough for right now.

    I used to have actual problems when I was younger

    Trust me, from what I've read you have actual problems now too. Don't down play your problems that you are facing right now. And stop blaming yourself completely for them. You've made a big step towards trying to change one very big issue, you are here. So please keep posting, sharing your problems. There are many members that will listen and offer what ever help they can.
    Every trap has some way to escape...your trap's secret exit is right here. You don't need to feel trapped or alone. You've got several thousand members standing with you.
  3. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    hi French. Good to meet you. I do agree with what itmahana has said. Sometimes when we think it all has been messed up, we cannot see the new possibilities that await us. Perhaps there is a wisdom you have gained in veering off your planned path ( and even the pain that caused) that can be used to assist others. While also using the gifts you have and love ( as a musician) to do it, if thats what interests you. Sometimes what seems like our greatest mistakes can be used to create something even better. Different. But better. I dont know. But I did want to write that possibility. I do know that not being able to forgive oneself is a big thing. I really hope there is a way that you find to do that. I really do. Because that alone can keep someone pretty stuck.

    The way I got through life when I was a child was by playing the piano. I think its how I survived. When I was about 39 years old I stopped. Now my "chops" are gone. So I do regret that. But if I really wanted to I could get it back. But I live with my own blocks to taking things on. Mine are self loathing. Self blame etc. All that stuff is such a wall. But that wall can be broken down. And for the people who do that, I think they gain great strengths and insights.

    I am glad you are here. I think this is a great community. Please live. The world needs more creative people. Although I do think its a challenge sometimes to be a creative person living in this world today.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hun you are not the only one to stray ok at college many many do this they get the feeling of freedom being away from parents eyes You make mistakes we all do and we learn from them You are still young yes you can go back and try again nothing stopping you ok Lots of great people of strayed from the their paths. Please keep talking to us ok and reach out to your parents hun sure they may be angry at first but they will help you get back on track again. No one judges you here so please stop being so hard on YOU

    If you need help you reach out for it now there is always away to change things around ok it may take work but you are worth it hugs
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