I don't know where to start... I don't know whether to post this here or in the 'Suicide forum' or the 'Crisis forum'. Maybe it's best if I start here. I've lost the person I loved most in the world. She didn't love me back in the same way, but that's not really the issue here. She committed suicide in a very passive way. She wanted to die, because her little girl, her daughter died that same week, the 2th november. Amy, the daughter, had caught swine flu, and Ange, my friend, was rather relaxed with it all. She wouldn't die, her daughter, not she. It's always someone else who dies. My daughter had had the swine flu, a month ago, but she lived. Amy didn't. She died in front of my friends eyes, who had already seen her partner die. How her daughter reminded her of her partner. She couldn't cope. She couldn't move. She couldn't think. She couldn't eat. She couldn't drink. She just curled up in her bed, started sobbing, and faded away. Last week she died. I wasn't there. My friend lived in NY, Staten Island, while I live in Belgium. I couldn't catch a plane. I wasn't there to hold her hand. To kiss her, to tell her to stay alive. Another friend was there, and started skyping with me, sitting next to Ange, so I could be with her in a virtual way. But still she died. I've lost her. And now I find it so hard to start living again myself. I'm having a nervous breakdown myself, and the shrink set me home after I'd collapsed at work. I've been suicidal for as long as I can remember, and I've had my share of attempts. And now the feeling is back, stronger than it has been in months. I found myself searching for poison in the house, but I managed in stopping that action and started looking for a place where I can share my feelings, hoping for some sympathy. I feel so alone. The house feels so empty, and so does my life. I don't know where to go to. What to do. What to want. I feel like an idiot. I feel like a nuisance. I feel like I don't belong here anymore either.