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Two jokes

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Talking Peanuts

This guy walks into a bar, orders a drink and sits down. As he sits down he hears someone say, "That's a nice suit, sir". He looks around and there is no-one there. Then again he hears, "That's a nice suit, sir" and he looks down and it is one of the peanuts in the tray speaking to him.


Intrigued, he goes to the cigarette machine, puts in his money, when the machine says to him, "F*#@ off". The guy tries once more but again the machine tells him to f*#@ off!


The guy goes to the barman and says "Your bar is weird mate. The peanuts say how nice my suit is but the cigarette tells me to get lost! What sort of establishment are you running here?"


The barman replies "Oh no sir, it's not what you think.
The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order." :rolleyes:




Hard Tarmac


(N.B. A45 and M6 are major roads in Britain)


A piece of black tarmac walks into a bar and says, "Oi. barman, give me a beer, I'm a piece of tarmac and I'm hard. I come from the A45 and lorries and cars drive over me all day but I don't give a damn"!


Trembling, the barman pours him a pint and gives it to him.



Ten minutes later another piece of black tarmac walks in and shouts, "You, bartender, give me a beer, I'm a piece of tarmac and I'm as hard as rock. I come off the M6 and have thousands of cars, trailers, juggernauts and caravans riding over me all day, but I couldn't give a damn cos I'm so tough.


The barman nervously pours him a pint.


Ten minutes later a piece of red tarmac walks in, sits at the bar and orders an orange juice. The two black pieces of tarmac get up and looking mighty frightened run into the toilet. The barman follows them in and says, "What's going on, I thought you two was hard, why are you afraid of that little piece of red tarmac in there".


One of the pieces of black tarmac replies timidly, "Are you kidding, he's a Cyclepath". Hehe
 
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