This isnt easy for me. It's like I should have things figured out or be able to.
I often say I have 2 lives. One is a front and appears put together by others. That front fights to keep my life together while the other does all it can to destroy. Suicide thoughts intrude incessantly. These thoughts have become so much a part of me I dont consider myself suicidal til I've completed a plan. As close as I have come to implementing a plan, there is something inside that fights to stop me from going through with it. I love my family and don't want them to go through the aftermath. I managed to keep my life going, but its changed.
For the past several months I've been recovering. For over 2 months I had a family member with me 24/7. After that I've tried to slowly get my life back. It's here that I'm struggling so. At first, it was manageable. My husabnd only left for a couple days a week. I worked part time. Now he needs to work full time as he does seasonal work. I'm trying to take on my responsibilities. It's all overwhelming and I feel like I'm going into a darker hole. Even though I've always dealt with suicidal thoughts I had them some how under control. Now it feels like I'm going to lose it. I cant handle them and get concern that I will take my own life. I dont seem to care anymore. I want life over.
I often say I have 2 lives. One is a front and appears put together by others. That front fights to keep my life together while the other does all it can to destroy. Suicide thoughts intrude incessantly. These thoughts have become so much a part of me I dont consider myself suicidal til I've completed a plan. As close as I have come to implementing a plan, there is something inside that fights to stop me from going through with it. I love my family and don't want them to go through the aftermath. I managed to keep my life going, but its changed.
For the past several months I've been recovering. For over 2 months I had a family member with me 24/7. After that I've tried to slowly get my life back. It's here that I'm struggling so. At first, it was manageable. My husabnd only left for a couple days a week. I worked part time. Now he needs to work full time as he does seasonal work. I'm trying to take on my responsibilities. It's all overwhelming and I feel like I'm going into a darker hole. Even though I've always dealt with suicidal thoughts I had them some how under control. Now it feels like I'm going to lose it. I cant handle them and get concern that I will take my own life. I dont seem to care anymore. I want life over.