Two lives

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Ladybug19

Well-Known Member
#1
This isnt easy for me. It's like I should have things figured out or be able to.

I often say I have 2 lives. One is a front and appears put together by others. That front fights to keep my life together while the other does all it can to destroy. Suicide thoughts intrude incessantly. These thoughts have become so much a part of me I dont consider myself suicidal til I've completed a plan. As close as I have come to implementing a plan, there is something inside that fights to stop me from going through with it. I love my family and don't want them to go through the aftermath. I managed to keep my life going, but its changed.

For the past several months I've been recovering. For over 2 months I had a family member with me 24/7. After that I've tried to slowly get my life back. It's here that I'm struggling so. At first, it was manageable. My husabnd only left for a couple days a week. I worked part time. Now he needs to work full time as he does seasonal work. I'm trying to take on my responsibilities. It's all overwhelming and I feel like I'm going into a darker hole. Even though I've always dealt with suicidal thoughts I had them some how under control. Now it feels like I'm going to lose it. I cant handle them and get concern that I will take my own life. I dont seem to care anymore. I want life over.
 

Magalee

Hold on to hope
#2
Hi and welcome to the forum, in glad you found us.

Sorry to hear of your struggles. The most important thing is that you stay safe, so if you are in danger, please go to an emergency room or have a family member take you, or call an emergency hotline. SF is peer support only, we aren't professional counselors.

You don't say if you've seen a doctor or are taking antidepressants. Since you are suicidal, it best to see a doctor about it. I hope you will make an appointment asap. The negative, suicidal thoughts are because you're depressed, you need medical care to recover.

It's great that you have family who have stayed with you. Is there someone who can be with you when your husband leaves? Did anything happen that caused the thoughts to start?
 

Ladybug19

Well-Known Member
#3
[QUOTE="Magalee, post: 1556592, member: 37654"

Did something happen that caused the thoughts to start?[/QUOTE]

Hi Magalee,
Thanks for welcoming me here. I have found the members here kind.

The thoughts have always been there, but i learned to cope with them. Things shifted as i went off a drug for neuropathy and onto another drug which was an antidepressant but also used for neuropathy. At that point ihad every intention of commiting suicide. The withdrawls have been known to linger for months and possibly years. I havent figured out how to put back my life before this happened. But im a little leary of taking any medication because of this. I havent gone on any medication for the neuropathy either. Im trying to find alternative methods to deal with that pain.

Yes, I started seeing a counselor after the incident. We talk about day to day things. I know my past has a big part in my current situation. That something im trying to get back in control of.
 
#4
Sounds like you're doing all the right things @Ladybug19 , just make sure you're not too hard on yourself if things don't improve at the rate you want them to. These things take time, and will have there set backs, but you will get through this with the help and support that you do deserve, because you are worth it.

Take care
 

Magalee

Hold on to hope
#5
Trauma and/or abuse in childhood is very common among depressed, suicidal people. When we receive negative messages in our formative years, those messages become internalized, and then our abusers become that negative voice inside our heads. Self-compassion will help silence those voices, and owning our feelings of anger, sadness, etc. gives us control over our feelings regarding the abuse. It's work to undo all those years of conditioning! Here is a link to @Clair's home page, she has information on self compassion/overcoming negative thought patterns:

https://www.suicideforum.com/community/members/clair.38551/

I don't know enough about meds and alternative treatments, but that sounds like very serious problem and contributing factor to your issues.

I hope you will keep posting here, it is therapeutic to write about your struggles and the people here will support you as best they can. It's nice to meet you, and I hope you will start feeling better soon.
 

Ladybug19

Well-Known Member
#7
Trauma and/or abuse in childhood is very common among depressed, suicidal people. When we receive negative messages in our formative years, those messages become internalized, and then our abusers become that negative voice inside our heads. Self-compassion will help silence those voices, and owning our feelings of anger, sadness, etc. gives us control over our feelings regarding the abuse. It's work to undo all those years of conditioning! Here is a link to @Clair's home page, she has information on self compassion/overcoming negative thought patterns:

https://www.suicideforum.com/community/members/clair.38551/

I don't know enough about meds and alternative treatments, but that sounds like very serious problem and contributing factor to your issues.

I hope you will keep posting here, it is therapeutic to write about your struggles and the people here will support you as best they can. It's nice to meet you, and I hope you will start feeling better soon.
I was rereading this thread trying to find some answers and read your post again. I did go on to Clair's link after your wrote to me. I liked it. It's different thinking being compassionate to yourself, but I see compassion throughout SF. I'm working on it. I don't understand all the different therapies, but I do like my counselor. I want to say thank you. I've been wondering why talking to my counselor will help get over some things. But I am realizing that I haven't owned my feelings about this one particular person because I don't know how I feel. And that is because I don't talk about him. Rereading your post gave me that insight.
 

Magalee

Hold on to hope
#9
Hi @Ladybug19 - owning my feelings about past abuse helped me to to realize that I was allowing my abusers to continue to hurt me in the present. When I owned those feelings, they were then under my control rather than controlled by my abusers from the past.

I learned that my past abusers weren't hurting me anymore, I WAS HURTING MYSELF by continuing to be victimized by the feelings from the past. I applied self compassion to those feelings; my abusers had hurt me enough and I wasn't going to continue allowing them to hurt me by feeling those feelings over and over again.

I hope that's helpful, it was a difficult concept for me to grasp and @brightlight helped me understand it in a private conversation that I invited you into so you can read what was said. If you go directly to the middle of the second page of the conversation and read to the end, you will read the process I went through that helped me. (The conversation before that isn't about this topic.) I hope it helps you as much as it helped me. I tried to copy it to insert here but evidently the private conversations can't be copied except to reply in the conversation. I'm sure brightlight can also explain further.
 

Ladybug19

Well-Known Member
#10
I hope that's helpful, it was a difficult concept for me to grasp and @brightlight helped me understand it in a private conversation that I invited you into so you can read what was said.
I appreciate you allowing me to read the conversation. Its deep. It makes sense. I need time to process it more. Right now I'm feeling sad and afraid, but i think its time to deal with it all.
 

Magalee

Hold on to hope
#11
I appreciate you allowing me to read the conversation. Its deep. It makes sense. I need time to process it more. Right now I'm feeling sad and afraid, but i think its time to deal with it all.
You're allowed to have those feelings, just know that you aren't alone and if you need encouragement the members of sf are here for you.
 
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