Hi my name is Maria oka fweeps. I have been hesitant to post a thread but I think it's time. I was diagnoised with depression, BP, and PTSD years ago but managed to push it aside until about 3 years ago. It all fell apart. I was hospitialized in a psych unit for 17 days and put on meds for the first time. I've been suicidal for a long time but it's at the forefront of my life rightnow. I feel like im in a strange position. I met my best friend Jeannie in the hospital that first time (I've been hospitalized 19 times). Her and I became close very quickly and she helped me understand my diagnoises and was always there for me. She committed suicide two months ago today. We had taken classes on depression and anxiety ad such and both of us knew the signals and signs of suicide. I feel like I missed those signs. What I mean about being in a strange position is I know how it feels to be in so much pain that suicide seems like the only option (ive attempted it too many times to count) and I now know how horrible it feels to be a survivor of someone who kills themselves. I first went to a survior of suicide site to share and they kinda told me not to post there because I myself am sometimes suicidal. Thats why I didnt want to post a thread. I dont want to be told to go away:sad: I went to therapy yesterday and it took most the session convincing my therapist not to put me back in the hospital; she told me she could lose her license for not 5150ing me for being suicidal and I promised her I'd stay alive at least until I see her again next week. I will try to keep my promise. Well I guess this is the way i've finally introduced myself. Thanks to all who took the time to read it. maria aka fweeps.