Two Months

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by Erode, Dec 5, 2011.

  1. Erode

    Erode Active Member

    He sent me the letter at 1:00 pm. I didn't get it until 2:59 pm when I was leaving work. I think he was dead by then anyway.
    It still doesn't hurt any less.

    The last two months have been a blur. I can't really remember much. All I can remember is that ever since October 5 I've thought about taking my own life everyday so that I may join him.

    I've been told by his family that I deserve to rot in hell and that this is karma. It's nice to know that they feel it is completely my fault for his death. I know they're grieving though so I don't say anything.

    Two months--everyone expects me to get up and move on, but I can't. I still hear his voice, his eloquent use of vocabulary. I still look at my phone everyday expecting to see a message. I do the same with my email. And with my mailbox. I miss him so much. How do I go on? The only reason I'm still here right now is because I am heavily medicated so that I can just get out of bed.

    To say I miss him really doesn't describe how much I really do. He was part of my reason for living, the reason why I decided to make plans a couple of years down the road rather than just tomorrow. I loved him and I told him everyday that I did. I regret that we got in a stupid and petty argument weeks before his death. I lost about 5 days. 5 days where I could've told him how important he was and how much he had to live for.

    When I spoke to him on ichat the night before I made the biggest mistake: he told me he just felt so fucked up and I told him that he really wasn't and that I knew he could get past it. He told me I was so amazing but he wouldn't tell me why--he said he'd tell me later. Later never came. Luckily I told him I loved him that night but I never got the chance to the next day, Wednesday. Instead I told him I was busy and couldn't talk. I shut him off. Something I will never forgive myself for.

    T*** I'm sorry. I love you so much honey pie; you were my best friend. How am I supposed to go on without you? What about all of these plans we made?
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hun i am so sorry he left you his confusion his sadness it took him away hun You had nothing to do with his choice okay His family are striking out in pain and they are being very cruel. He would not want you to be unhappy sad hun I hope in time you can meet someone new to take away all that pain your in hugs
  3. Erode

    Erode Active Member

    Thank you total eclipse. ((hugs))

    I feel so lost. It's as if any meaning I had finally began to give my life was just taken away. I feel like I can't function. In fact, I really can't. I'm not sure if anyone can really ever take this pain away...

    I'm also not helping myself by pushing people away from me. I just can't open up.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hun i know i still have the pain inside me from my brothrs death It helps hun to get some therapy grief councilling It helps to talk to someone that understands that pain A professional can and will get you to open up hun they have the know how to do that. I do hope you reach out now hun to a professional okay to someone who can help you who can take aways some of the pain hugs
  5. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    Please accept my condolences on your loss.

    I think 2 months after my wife passed away, I was still walking around in a daze. Most of what you wrote applies to me, too. I'll share a few of the things people told me, or I read - we all grieve differently, and you can't assign a certain length of time for it to last. I've seen some generalized statements that the mourning can extend 2 years, and I've also heard 5 years, but we're all different and grief doesn't follow a schedule. Don't be surprised (or feel something's wrong) if it comes and goes, or takes longer than you expect. It's over a year and a half for me, and there are still days that it hits me so hard all I can do is cry.

    You've thought about taking your life to join him? That's the exact reason I made my suicide attempt. I think we're both in the right place, I think there's some healing to be found here, among a lot of caring people.

    Please stick around and keep posting. You're important, and I'm pretty sure you'll find more people who have had such a loss.
  6. Erode

    Erode Active Member

    I'd like to thank you both. I apologize for being gone for such a long time. I lost internet access for a bit.

    Since the loss I have managed to go to counseling once a week. It has definitely made a difference though I'm not sure if it necessarily helped.

    I agree with you Lefty that there is some healing to find in this place that we're in.

    Thank you so much. :)
  7. LittleOne

    LittleOne Member

    I agree. Two months is nothing- feel what you feel and go at your own pace. No one is experiencing this exact situation but you, so only you can determine how you feel and when you feel it.
    This is not your fault. My boyfriend committed suicide, and for the first few days, I kept blaming myself. We'd been together a long time and I started nagging at him to clean up after himself. I stopped wearing cute underwear. I gained ten pounds. I made less fancy dinners. But that's all crap. And what I kept coming back to was "But if I was so horrible to be with, he could have just broken up with me." After many sessions with my therapist, I've realized that obviously the situation was beyond me. Normal, healthy, functioning people can deal with problems and move on. If he was so unhappy, you would have just broken up. Suicide is an option of people unable to cope with normal problems. And you have nothing to do with his formation of coping skills. His family are jerks if they are blaming you. I clearly don't know anything about your relationship, but if it was that terrible, he could have just left. And he didn't. That is HIM, not YOU.
    And I agree, it is terrible to lose your other half. then you just feel like half a person. Sometimes less than that. But i've been told it gets better. I'm still waiting. Don't lose you. It is a cruel, unfair, hurtful choice... but don't let go of you. You are still there, under the layers of hurt and confusion and anger and everything else. Maybe it's not time yet to let it free, but make sure you don't let it disintegrate. This is your life and this was not your decision nor your doing. Keep going. "move on" seems like a stupid thing when people tell me that, and I prefer "keep going." You probably won't "move on" from this, and I probably won't either. So instead, lets just "keep going" and see what the world has in store next. If you'd like, we can do it together :)