I have had social anxiety since my early teens. I have struggled with depression since my mid teens. I still do. Now I'm in my mid twenties. I have been struggling with my life. I find it hard to live a 'normal' life like many relatives of mine. I feel like the black sheep. But I'm cool with that. I know I have problems but I try to take it one day at a time. But lately, alot of relatives of similar age to me are becoming or have become 'successful' in their individual lives. My close family are taking notice of that. They are talking about me behind my back and are judging me in a harsh way. I feel negative emotional energy aimed towards my mother by other close relatives. My mother is just as bad as she constantly does not stop hinting messages through her comments. (Basically how much I suck at life). It's like being at work when you know your about to be fired. Except they can't fire me so I will get eternal mental abuse. The thing is that they don't say anything directly, but hint through saying something that you know is aimed at you. I think I pick up on mental emotional crap like that quite easily but I'm not sure. Basically I am getting very angry inside. Every comment someone of my family makes lights a fire inside me that makes me want to do something. The anger is slowly building inside me. I have posted about this before and I said I will ignore what other people do and live each day by doing the best and being the best that I can be. But I feel like I want to teach them a lesson. I want to loose it and go kill myself in a rage and say fuck you to all you who made my life a living hell every day. But that would be exactly what they want, except for my mother, who is not smart enough to understand her actions. Only when I'm dead then she will know. Well too late by then! So the option I have is to wait for a couple of more episodes of mental abuse and then loose it and go crazy and die through my chosen way out, or I can continue to ignore what they do and what they say and live my life everyday in peace. I still have depression. But I can handle it. But I can't handle emotional problems. That's why my rational thinking does not work, because my emotions are my weakness. I know logically that I should not be effected by comments made by others. But my emotions are more powerful. I am strong in thinking but weak with my emotions. You can use the analogy of kryptonite exposed to superman. The bottom line is that I think I know the answer already but my emotions won't have any of it.