there are two reasons i am still alive. 1. i am terrified of another attempt that goes wrong. i'm worried i'll only seriously hurt myself instead of dying, and if there's anything worse than how i am now, it's how i would be if i was stuck in a hospital. i am also scared of pain. i wouldn't want to do anything that would not be instantly lethal. this leaves few viable options. 2. i am unwilling to upset my family. i know that my suicide would have a devastating affect on those i leave behind, and i am full of guilt because of this. and that's it really.