It's interesting how some people grow up into the vacuum of going to school, getting a job and having a family without hardly any regard to anything else going on around them. They are not necessarily "happy", but they're living the so-called "American dream", and so I suppose all that seems right with them, so they have very few complaints. However, because they feel they have "made it", they feel they have certain privileges and are above certain common courtesy guidelines. Then there are people who have a harder time growing up -- for whatever reason. Because they wander off that path that society expects us to follow, they tend to see things with a little more understanding, empathy and concern. They may have to suffer a bit more, and work harder to keep up, but tend to me more objective and creative. Why am I writing this? I don't know, I thought it sounded good, whether you believe it or not. I guess you can tell that I feel I belong to the second group. I don't want to make it sound like I'm better than those who seem to live the American dream by the book -- believe me, I have my share of faults and indignities. I think the person I am is okay, but just doesn't have a place in this society. I have had a lot of positive things happen since my last post here over 1 1/2 years ago, and still I don't seem to let myself be happy over them. I have learned to make my goals more realistic and be less harsh on myself, but still I don't see anything down the horizon. I'm trying, I really am -- maybe not as hard as one can, but I am putting in some effort. But here I am again, falling prey to this feeling that I have nothing to do, nowhere to go and I sit and do nothing and -- just feel bad. Sometimes when I get this way, I don't want to talk to anybody -- I feel though it may make me feel better, it really would be a false sense of hope -- a temporary lift from the depression that is always there and which may be who I really am. I know you may think I'm whining, and perhaps I shhould just go out and have a good time or watch my favorite video or DVD -- but it's not that easy. I don't know how to have fun. I have to take everything seriously or else I might hurt someone. Having fun I might say or do something stupid that will either embarrass or hurt someone (this is how I think -- as I write it, I understand it doesn't sound logical.) Does anyone else just feel that impending sense of doom, and that there's nothing they can do about it, no matter how much they try? Does anyone else feel suicidal -- not desperately, but just because it seems the only logical choice, though still a tough one? Am I making sense...?