Two Year Anniversary

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by Kaish, Feb 26, 2013.

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  1. Kaish

    Kaish Well-Known Member

    Somewhat of a ramble, but I feel the need to express/reflect on these thoughts:

    I just noticed that yesterday was the two year anniversary of my suicide attempt. I remember everything and nothing about it. I remember how I was doing emotionally. I remember why I was so down, I remember the details of the overdose, and me sobbing as I took them. There was even a moment where I thought to myself to stop and get to the hospital, but I figured I have started and I need to finish. This is when my memory becomes fuzzy. I don't remember the time frame for the events that followed, but I overdosed on Friday. I woke up on what I believe was Saturday morning feeling perfectly fine. I have so little memory of the day, besides when I saw my dad later that night. I was attempting to operate the TV, but I couldn't. I told him it was in a different language and he gave me the strangest look and asked if I am okay. He said he thinks I took too much medication. I told him about the overdose and he took me back to his bedroom. I laid on his bed while he looked up the effects of the medication I took. I remember he put music on from my favorite artist. It was so loud. I did ask that he take me to the hospital, but he told me it was too late and I just have to wait.

    The next morning, I woke up feeling like I had woken up from a horrible dream. I had visions of me tripping over items in my room and knocking stuff over, but in my mind I was thankful it was just a dream, until I lifted my PJ bottoms and saw huge bruises on my legs. I can't even describe how I felt. What makes this story emotional is the fact that it was Sunday and the Oscars were on. My favorite music artist who had been on break for awhile was going to perform. I had been so looking forward to this and now I was going to miss it. I remember attempting to get online to chat with friends about the event, but I was unable to work my computer. At the time I thought was broken, but in reality I had unplugged all the USB cables. I then attempted to turn the TV on. I remember having difficulty with that, but I got it turned on. I had the Oscars set to record, so I was fast forwarding through the red carpet hoping my favorite musician would be there. I didn't see her. I think I fell asleep, because I don't have any memory of the actual award show.

    Whenever it was that I started to feel better, I logged onto the computer to read about the Oscars. It turned out that my favorite artist was on the red carpet, but in my altered state, I didn't recognize her. I watched the performance from the Oscars and she sang the song, Smile: "Smile though your heart is aching, smile even though it's breaking... smile and maybe tomorrow you'll see the sun come shining through for you." It was the perfect song for what I was going through, and it is wired to think about celebrating such a dark moment in my life, but when I look back, with all the pain I was feeling, and the altered state I was in, I was thinking of this musician. She is very inspirational to me and in the past, and even present time has stopped me from attempting. I don't know how to explain it, but even when I did attempt, she was there to give me comfort. I don't know what thoughts would have been racing through my mind had she not been on the Oscars. Yes. I would have gotten through it without her, but now when I look back at pictures of her from that night, it is a symbol of strength.

    I am in for an emotional night tonight, as I am seeing this musician in concert. I am considering seeing her again tomorrow, but because I am low on cash might have to go just one night. I honestly don't know if I will enjoy the concert. I have no idea how I will handle it emotionally and it's possible that I leave the venue in tears, but I think it is important I go and reflect on all the blessings I have had since that night two years ago.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    So glad you are with us...anniversaries do bring up so much (understatement???) but know that facing what you have and being willing to go to the concert and experience what you will shows how strong and brave you are...please let us know how it goes...sending you caring thoughts
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hugs to you hun
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